A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm 19 years old (nearly 20) and have been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 6 months now. only, I still haven’t moved past 1st base with her yet (we've only kissed)It seems to be the only thing that’s bothering me about the whole relationship. Not that I don’t think she's great (I think I love her, but that's a whole different issue, or not that I don't mind waiting (she‘s worth it), only I’m so sexually frustrated right now.Should I talk to her about the whole matter? Only I don't want to seem pushy and have a lot of respect for her so I don't want to rush her into anything she doesn't want to. Should I start dropping big hints about it? I don’t mind waiting but do mind at the same time, if you catch my drift. Maybe I could talk to one of her friends about it, but it’s not exactly the sort of thing you talk to her mates about I think. Or could it be to do with her self esteem? I know she's not exactly confident about her body, if I help her feel more confident do you think this will help?Please understand, we are two teenagers from the north west of England, and just about every single teenage couple is having sex. My friends who have girl friends tell me all about it, my friends who don't have girlfriends tell me about it, so do my female friends, so I think it's commendable on my part to have waited so long. Please help methank you
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female
reader, lolli-pop +, writes (3 January 2010):
i have to say well done for not being pushy i think that is great and im sure she apprieciates it deeply.
i think u need to talk to her about how you're feeling she may feel the same but be too shy to talk to u about it or make the moves. handle it sensitivly and see wat she says
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 January 2010):
 I think what Lonely Two said was a bit harsh so try not to take it to heart, not everyone has some crazy repressed Freudian issues from their childhood so try not to worry about what he said!
As for your problem - I think you should talk to her. You clearly love her and respect her, it is obvious you dont want to rush her but how you are feeling is totally normal for a teenage boy (or most guys!) and it is just because you are attracted to her and want to express your feelings for her in a sexual way.
Now talking about sex is the hardest thing to talk about in a relationship, even for couples that have been married for years! So try not to get too worked up about it, and just try and say how you feel without thinking about it too much.
Now I am wondering, is she a virgin? Are you are virgin? That could have an influence on the situation, so it would be good to know so I can help further!
Dont talk to her friends about it, that will just embarrass her and she will more than likely leave you for doing something like that. Also, dropping hints wont really help either as she will just feel like you are putting pressure on her and she will just ignore them, so you will end up even more frustrated.
So have a chat with her one day when you are alone. Start by telling her how you feel about her (love spending time with her, think she is amazing, how beautiful she is etc). Then go on to tell her that you feel only one thing is lacking slightly (make sure you play down the importance of sex by using words like "slightly" as it shows that is not all you are wanting from her!) and that one thing is being more sexually active together. Say something like "you are so gorgeous I am having trouble keeping my hands off you!" which should (hopefully) make her smile. Explain that you dont want to rush her and you are more than happy to take things slow, but you would just like to know how she feels about the situation and what she wants/needs sexually. If you make it sound like you are just asking her how she feels about sex, rather than saying "I am really horny and want sex!", she will feel like you are paying attention to her and are concerned about her - rather than it all being about you.
As long as you tell her she is worth the wait and you respect whatever she feels about the situation, she should be comfortable enough to talk to you about it. After all, communication is the most important thing in a relationship and you both need to know where you stand on this issue. I bet she often wonders whether you are wanting to have sex or take things further (girls often get worried that if you are not having sex yet then the guy will get bored and want to go off with some other girl) so if you talk to her about the situation then I bet you will be actually putting her mind at ease when she hears that you will wait for her to be ready and she can take as long as she needs.
Be brave and try talking about it - it will be a difficult conversation but as long as you reassure her that while you would like to take things further with your relationship at some point, you are happy to wait and you respect her wishes, then I am sure the conversation will be a successful one and have a good outcome for you both.
One other thing - ignore your friends who are talking about sex, you really shouldnt care about other people and what they are (or are not) getting up to. And please please dont mention to your girlfriend anything about "all our friends are having sex" -this is just a form of peer pressure and she will resent you for being pushy! So steer clear of mentioning anything about your friends having sex, and make it seem like you only care about her and how she feels.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010): I think its time for you two to have a conversation about sex. Make sure she doesn't feel pressured. Don't let her sense your frustration. There is nothing wrong with being curious about her reasons for not wanting to take it to the next level. Maybe she is one of those girls who are saving themselves for marriage. Maybe she is simply not ready yet. Maybe she isn't sure she wants you to be her first. Have you made a move and she stopped you? If not, maybe she is waiting for you to make a move.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010): Just because all your friends are in a sexual relationship ...does not make it right for you .Yes , it has been six months ...but your girlfriend is not ready for more yet .
You can approach the subject , and see what your girlfriend's reaction is . If you are both in agreement to take things further then make sure you sort out contraception first . An unplanned pregnancy might be your girlfriends fear .
Be honest . Say how you feel . Good Luck .
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