A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Several months ago my wife told me that she had been having an affair with a man she works with. I am devastated and really want our marriage to work. She tells me that she's been miserable for a long time and fell in love with this other man. She only told me to ensure it stopped as he's married and didn't want to leave his wife.We've taken time out together to try and work things out and we were ok until this man decided that he did want to leave his wife and be with mine. Since then things have been really tense and I don't know what to do. I know they're not in contact anymore but I'm so worried she's going to leave me - I really don't want her to leave. I love her and don't know how I can make her stay. I've been honest and have tried so hard to make her happy since she told me - I feel like such a failure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): I'm sorry that you are in pain right now and are feeling like a failure. You are not a failure. Every marriage goes through difficult times, and can even feel like your not in love anymore. My advice is that you seek marriage counseling. A counselor will help both of you repair the damage and rebuild your marriage. I have had marriage counseling before and it saved our marriage. I have many friends who say the same thing. I also recommend both of you reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It will help each of you to learn how to love your spouse in their love language. This book also helped our marriage. I hope everything works out for you.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 You are NOT a failure. It takes two for any relationship to work or fail.
First, see a family lawyer. Know what your rights are so that you will be ready for the worst. It may be the wake up call you need.
Next, you are trying to make her happy and that is not enough for some women. You need to address all of her emotional needs. Does she need a range of emotions (not just happy)? Does the little girl in her get catered to? Is there an element of her sexuality that she is unable to express in your marriage? Those were some examples.
MOST IMPORTANT!!: Does she fell like your MOTHER instead of you LOVER? This is a huge deal for women who have been in long term relationships where she starts to feel like a mother to her husband instead of her husband lover. This will kill the best loved relationships.
The best way to make her feel like your lover is to treat her like a lover and halt any mothering instinct she tries to do to you.
-Frank B Kermit
author of Everything Out Of Her Mouth Is A Test: A Man's Guide to the Emotional Needs of Women.
Link: http://www.lulu.com/content/462134
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): I understand how you feel. I experienced it before.
You have done everything you could. You should trust your wife. Feeling miserable alone won't make things better.
I would suggest you to act as normal. It gives your wife a sense you trust her. If she decided to divorce, well, a husband/wife can leave their partner for other, they are not faithful. There is no reason to keep them.
You deserve a wife who loves you. I wish you good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): Communication is key here. You need to sit down with your wife and lay it all out for her. All the things you just told us.
And then get her to do the same... people do not have affairs without a reason, whether they not be nice people or something has pushed them into it is never certain at first.
Find out WHY she fell out of love with you, whether it was simply that you had been togther toomloong and things had begun to get stale and this new guy offered what haws been missing for some time now and she let emotion and desire overtake her.
Let me add that have been a good man to give her the mercy that yu have. There are not many that would have done so and would have been even more angry in the face of you current fears. You have not strive to control her movements, at least I hope you haven't, and you gave her a second chance, which she has lived up to for now.
So again, don't talk to us, talk to her and find out how she feels support her if she needs it, agree to work upon the relationship where it needs improvement.
If it still fails with all of this, then it was never going to work in the first place... and it would be better to sever ties and both get on with your lives then try to pump life into a marriage that died a long time ago.
I hop it all works out for you though, because not many people understand how affairs can hurt a guy.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, muffy +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Okay,Don't think your a failure.You should talk to her about how you feel.If she leaves you for this other man,then she obviously isn't worth it.You can't make her stay.If she wants to leave you,then that's how it needs to be.Love doesn't last forever,only for a long time.I know it'll hurt you if she leaves but life will carry on and so will you.You can't think of yourself as a failure just beacause this relationship didn't work.I'm sorry you have to go through this.
I hope I've helped
Love always,Muffy
P.S.-If you have any questions,just ask3
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