A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Its 7 weeks to our wedding day, the nearer it gets the more we are arguing, I have never been married before, never lived with anyone and I have brought up two daughters on my own, always worked.My daughters are mothers, but with their partners but they have never worked. They are 35 and 20. Which has always been a bone of contention with my partner.(they are a drain on society) my youngest grandaughter has just found out she is pregnant(aged 17) and only has 2 weeks to go.Massive shock. My partner does not want her coming to our home because he has his views, she should never have got pregnant and she is going to be yet another drain. To him they have all followed in my footsteps. But they havent, I chose to be a single parent. Now because I have told him my children will always come first, the wedding is off. Its been off so many times in the last few months. He is out of work at the moment but he has a little bit of money so he is not overly worried. You know we have such a long history together i can never tell you the full story. I know he loves me, but he wants me to put him before my family. And I cant do that. Help me
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): Weddings always bring stress and problems float to the top. Your partner seems to believe women should work, even if they have kids, and he is judging you and your family, as he feels your morals are different to his. He is right to call of the wedding, you can't get married if he feels like that. You say you know he loves you, well he probably does. I think he's worried that he will be expected to provide for you daughters and your grandchild when they need money and support. You don't say if he has any children, but he's unemployed and therefore money may be tight. His savings won't go far, and maybe the wedding has him worried about his finances.
Don't make this thing personal. Your daughter and grandchildren have their lives and that is none of his concern, or yours. Sit down with him and talk about money, draft up a budget together to see how your going to finance married life. Maybe if you show him that you can afford to look after your girls, and give them little gifts sometimes, he will realise your serious about money, and this might make him relax. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Hello
I am with the Dr on this one. I dont think this guy has shown any respect for you, I mean why would he say your grandchild has taken after you? what is that suppose to mean? I wouldnt appreciate such use of language from a partner who is supposed to help me and love me through thick and thin.
We can only guide our children to follow the right path but we can not walk it for them, your children ended up where they are not because you were a bad mother or granny, all of us make choices for ourselves and they have chosen their own paths.
Your partner shouldnt be judging you and humiliate you every chance he gets, calling the wedding on/off as he pleases you have the right to say how you feel and he should start showing some respect if he cant then keep it off. good luck
Jovial
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (30 July 2008):
 It is better you discovered all this now, rather than after the wedding. It is possible to work on differences in opinion but if his views are that strong then I don't see a middle ground between you pair. You cannot help how your children have turned out and he shouldn't expect you to choose between him and them. Basically if he is that manipulative and controlling, why marry him? Marriage is definitely about compromise and it is right to put that on hold until you know where you stand. With your partner not working, wouldn't it be better to wait until the financial situation is more secure. It is entirely possible that he will realise his mistake in time and may come back to the relationship with a more flexible perspective...if he doesn't then there is no basis for your relationship with him.
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