A
female
age
30-35,
*en1689
writes:Let's see where this gets me, if anywhere...I've written here in the past quite a few times, always inquiring about the same thing, only now the situation has changed drastically, but my feelings still haunt me.My fiance is 23, and I am 21. We I have been dating for a year and ten months, and have been engaged for three months. I lost my virginity to him when we first began dating when I was 20, so needless to say, I'm very attached to him. We just recently moved down to Florida together to try and start a new life. However, things down here aren't working out for us, so we're having to return back to where we came from (Washington State). This has been quite an experience for both of us, but we've remained very strong and close as a couple. We leave in a week to return up north.When he and I first got together, I heard a lot about his ex girlfriend. And I mean, A LOT. He would often compare me to her (in a good way), saying how much better I was than he and how much more suited I was for him. However, she would get brought up CONSTANTLY. When we were watching a movie, or shopping, or driving down the road, she would get pulled into conversation without warning. They were often stories that he could tell to relate to our current situation. None of the things I heard about her were good in the slightest. He would just tell me horror stories of how horrible of a girlfriend/person she was. Stories about how she cheated on him and manipulated him for so long. They were together for about a year and a half, on-and-off. He was a senior (17 or 18) and she was a freshman (14 or 15) when they met.Let me give you a little information about what he's told me: She was heavy into alcohol and drugs. She dropped out of school in tenth grade. She cheated on him multiple times (once with his old best friend, and once with a girl). They fought constantly (and I mean constantly). They broke up multiple times, and would oftentimes not even date for two or three months between "being exclusive". She claims to have lost her virginity to him, but then would go and have sex with other guys whenever they were on any kind of a break.He claims that he hated her. He's told me that he never loved her, but thought that the constant hot and cold and good and bad was what a relationship was supposed to be like. His parents were big drinkers and fought constantly when he was growing up, and his sister was in and out of bad relationships and had trouble with drugs and alcohol as well. He said it was all he knew, so he clung to the familiarity.He said that he liked the idea that, while she was psychotic, she was very pretty, and he liked knowing that he could get her. She was apparently what all the guys thought was hot, so he thought she was too. She was also very into sex, and he liked knowing that at any time, if he called her, she would come back to him without hesitation. His mother has also told me that she was very manipulative when it came to sex, and would oftentimes use it as a way of stopping fights or keeping him from breaking up with her. She would refuse to wear condoms, claiming that they "irritated her skin", and then would lie to him about using the Nuva Ring. He finally refused to have sex with her, which made her freak out and cheat on him again.He's also told me that she lied to him constantly. He was very against drinking and drugs when he was in highschool, and even for a couple years afterward, and so he would always try to get her clean. She would pretend to get clean for a bit, but then turn around and go behind his back to do them. When he'd find out about it, she'd twist the story around into making him think it was his friends' fault and that she was forced to behave that way. He broke a few close friendships over this.He's told me that whenever he'd try to end things for good, she'd threaten suicide or self-harm. Seeing as he didn't want the blood of another on his hands, he'd refrain from breaking things off. When he finally decided to end it in May of 2008, she sliced her wrist open with a kitchen knife while holding onto a Build-a-Bear that he had gotten her. He found her, got her help, but then broke all contact with her. Not even two weeks after that incident, she began sleeping with another guy. Three months later, she was pregnant. She tried to make my fiance think that it was his child (even though it was physically impossible), so that was weighing on his mind for the first month or so that we dated.Since then, she's contacted him once. She sent him a message on MySpace back in December of 2009 that said "I hate you." He read it, deleted it, and blocked her. She's also tried to add him on Facebook numerous times, but he's blocked on there as well. She's been dumped by her baby's daddy (twice, and for good). She's since been out with two guys, one who's dumped her numerous times.Needless to say, it was almost all I could do to try NOT to think about this girl. After he stopped bringing her up so much, she would just automatically pop into my head because I would think it's what he was thinking but not saying. So I would bring her up and ask about her. I wanted to know more. I HATED her, but I wanted to know all about her.The big kick: I'm now friends with her. For over a year I've been OBSESSED with this girl. I've found every single photo online that anyone could find of her. I found her phone number, address, e-mail, etc. I found baby registries and gift registries for birthdays and holidays. I stalked her Facebook and MySpace daily for months. She seemed so much like me, and yet we seemed like polar opposites. Until one day she added me on Facebook. I messaged her and asked her if I could get to know her. She said she'd love to. We've since been chatting and are planning on meeting up once I get back up to Washington. We're pretty much friends as this point. My fiance knows about this and has told me that he wants nothing to do with her, which I understand and stand behind. I can see that she's a girl who's like me. A girl who's in pain and insecure and handles it in very different ways. She's nice. We get along.But the memories of everything he's ever said about her. The memories of every time he's ever mentioned her. The memories that aren't even mine about their relationship. I just don't understand how he could deal with her ways for so long if he never truly loved her. And I feel like I can't compete. She's gorgeous, and I feel like even a relationship with so much hatred contained so much passion, which is something that love itself just doesn't seem to capture. It's what every song out there is made of. It's what makes reality shows popular. It won't go away. I've done therapy. I've done yoga. I've talked to every friend and family member I can think of, as well as my fiance. I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely lost...
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a break, best friend, broke up, condom, drugs, engaged, ex girlfriend, facebook, fiance, his ex, insecure, lost my virginity, myspace, stalking Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (18 November 2010):
Jen1689 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I honestly don't know what else to do... I have breakdowns over this. I've contemplated breaking things off with my fiance. I've contemplated worse... My mind just won't rid itself of her. So I'm hoping that with meeting her, my mind will finally have something tangible to grasp instead of all these images and scenarios I've built up due to insecurity and jealousy. I'm hoping that I'll see just what a horrid person she is, and that I won't feel like I need to compete with her. I'm hoping that I might understand her more so that I can build my own opinion of her instead of relying on what my fiance and his friends and family have told me.
I'm not going to allow her to come to where we're living. I'm going to be living with him and a girl that hates her and who she hates, so I don't think she'll even want to come over. I don't know what it's going to take.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Stop being her friend I have experience in this feild sadly. But she would meet me at our place and we would go out and this caused me and my boyfriend to brake up not cause he wanted her but cause he hated her. So were just friends now because I was stupid and wanted to kno this crazy phyco women. Trust me this won't help u feel better about their past it could only make u feel worse and its not good for anyone but her!
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Gorgeous vs substance? You can't have both. She sounds like my younger brother's ex girlfriend, whom I completely loathe, I hate that girl on a cellular level. I hate her parents for bringing her into this world.
I couldn't be friends with my boyfriends ex. Any of them. I don't understand why you are her friend? YOU are giving her a way back into your boyfriends life. What are you going to say when she wants to come to your place to hang out? Tell her no?
He probably talked about her so much because his relationship with her was horrid and when he got with you he was more appreciative of the awesome person that you are.
People can seem alike and be completely opposite. I'm sure you are beautiful ( i like that word better than gorgeous) "hot" women are usually whores and shallow because they know they are "hot" and use that to every advantage that they possibly can.
You need to seriously think about what you are doing with this girl, she is what 19 or 20? Ugh. the immaturity.
Good luck. You are really brave for starting a friendship with your guy's ex, I def couldn't do that.
I would stop being her friend.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 You're playing with fire here...
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