A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. But I have some problems. He was my first everything. And Im the fourth girl hes had sex with. It bothers me a lot, I argue over it, I cry at night, I can't sleep, I call him names, I jus completely get out of control. I hate those girls, I hate seeing them I jus hate them so much. I break up with him so often because of it, but he doesn't let me go. I know he loves me hes never yelled back at me or anything. But idk what to do. I'm so lost. I'm hurt. What's wrong with me;????? and what should I do????
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female
reader, turquoise88 +, writes (15 November 2012):
I am like you. I was a 22 YO virgin when I started dating my current boyfriend the "use to be manwhore". At first I was like whatever it doesn't bother me, I knew about his past. Then we got closer & eventually had sex several months into the relationship, THENN I started to get that annoying insecurity/retroactive jealousy! I felt like I was just another number/notch on his belt, I felt like nothing we did in the bedroom was special for him bc he had done it all before with many other girls! It really saddens me to think that, but I knew it was true. Anything I experienced for the first time was his 13th time, nothing memorable for him :/ HOWEVER I never acted like you treating my bf like dirt/yelling at him/breaking up w/ him bc of it. I told him about my feelings of feeling like a number nothing special despite him telling me he loved me. I also felt like we viewed sex differently like i saved myself till i was 22 YO i wanted to be in love & in a serious relationship before having sex bc it was special to me whereas he view sex as a physical release nothing special w/ one night stands & FWB. He tried to comfort me by saying that I am special & I'm not number, he even said if he could go back in time he would of saved himself for me (I'm not gonna lie that made me feel better about what I mean to him the relationship) but I know it's not possible. I realized that This problem that I have w/ his past is something that is not going to go away, I had to make a choice either dump him & find someone w/ a similar sexual past like me or stay w/ my bf & deal w/ it. I choose to stay w/ him bc he is a good man/person, he is faithful to me, will do anything for me, makes me laugh, will help me out in any way, & he loves me & I love him & I didn't want to lose that over something out of our control. I'll admit these feelings towards his past will probably never go away, writing this makes me feel a little insecure & jealous about his past, BUT I know nothing can be done about it & I just gotta change the subject in my head lol OR ask him to tell me how much he loves me bc I need a reminder ha. Anywayz take a look at your relationship do you love this guy? Does he love you? Do you want to spend your life w/ him? If you answer yes to these then you need to learn to cope w/ this problem & finds ways to stop thinking negatively. It isn't easy & it won't be but you just gotta deal w/ it & learn to think about other things if you truly love this guy! Good luck.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 November 2012):
 Unfortunately what you are suffering from is retroactive jealousy. Look up "Yos" on this site and search for terms, you will find tons tons and tons of great resources. Look through Yos' answers below, a lot of his answered questions are on this topic.
http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos (he's the expert on this topic)
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (15 November 2012):
 There isn't a quick answer here, except acceptance. What your boyfriend did in the past is beyond his control now and there is nothing you or he can do to change it.
Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine that you and your boyfriend don't work out and sometime down the road you meet another fantastic guy. It is his first "real" relationship. Imagine now how you would feel if he yelled and came unglued anytime he thought of you being with your ex. Take a moment and really think about it... put the same words you use on your boyfriend in this imaginary man's mouth and really think about it.
Sadly, you'll destroy your relationship if you continue to feel this way.
Next time you feel like you need to berate your boyfriend's past, remind yourself that you NOW have a past and you'll have to hold yourself to the same impossible standard that you are holding your boyfriend to with any future suitor.
I also hope you take some to reflect why you feel the way you do. Does he still have contact with the other women? What provokes these arguments and thoughts? There may very well be a rational explanation for the way you feel and I hope you take some time to explore it instead of reacting to it.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): What makes you feel such extreme emotions? is it just the thought of him having been with other girls in the past, or is it because he still is in touch with the exes? do you also feel that your relationship with him is stable: he tells you he loves you, wants to build a future with you etc?you need to accept that your partner has had a past before you, because otherwise it will only drive you nuts. What matters is what is going on now. Focus on the present and future! be happy to have him in your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): you're lucky he hasn't left you. you're behavior is way out of line. you don't have the right to yell at him and act like that because of girls in the past. i wouldn't put up with that for a second. four girls is nothing. it's one thing to act like an adult and talk to him calmly and rationally about how it makes you feel. it's another to go crazy.who he has had sex with in the past is his business. and if you can't deal with his number, you need to break this off now and find yourself a virgin. you had to have known this about him when you first got together?what is it about this that kills you so much? most people at your age range have had multiple sex partners by now. it doesn't mean he loves you any less. and it certainly doesn't take away from the fact that your sex is special to him. i think you owe him some apologies and get a grip on your emotions.as i said, if it bothers you that much, TALK ABOUT IT. don't act crazy.
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