A
female
age
51-59,
*o silver lining
writes:My husband went down the path of leaving me Monday night because he has feelings for his co-worker who is married with 2 young children. We have been having a hard time since January with a fight that went too far and he then realized that it's been a while since he's been feeling happy in our marriage. From what I understand from everyone who has been responding to me and the things my husband has been saying in small inconspicuous ways is that he hasn't really been feeling loved back for a long time, I guess. He told me he wanted to be free and wanted a divorce too that night but today he called and told me that he was sorry for what he did to me and that he cares about me and that he wants me to be o.k. and he still cries everyday just like before he left me and that he still doesn't know what he wants. I told him to dig deep down into his heart because the heart knows what it truly wants and it's in his soul. My question is: Did he decide to tell his co-worker about his feelings to see if they had a chance at something because it was coming from his heart or is it coming from his head? I don't know if I should have told him to search his heart because is his feelings for her coming from his heart or is that coming from his head? Was I wrong?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 No, you don't really have much choice, he has to work out his feelings on his own. All you can do is try and convince him his perception of the marriage is wrong and hope he realizes that grass on the other side isn't green at all.
It won't be easy. If talking is hard try to write a letter, explain what he means to you, from being a provider for the family, to love, to sex. Don't be too flowery/girly, you want to reach him and show him that the perception of being unloved over 22 years is wrong but in ways that he can understand. Explain also how this is affecting you, that a marriage you thought was perfect suddenly has been destroyed, that all your displays of love and affection for 22 years went unnoticed. You too are hurting and wondering, what were you to your husband all these years if he can just walk out, nothing more then a cleaning lady?
Then give him space, not to much, you can tell him that there are limits, a trial seperation is one thing, having an affair is another. Part of showing him you do love him after all is by making clear that all this is hurting you too and not because the "paycheck" is walking out the door but because your heart is being torn apart because the man you love is going away.
Hopefully he will realize what he has and that the greenest grass grows on well maintained land, not in the wild.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): He wants both. Just leave him be and get on with your domestic chores, work etc. He will either clear off or stay.
If your not happy to do that just dump him. Your being way too over considerate.
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