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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: My husband makes me so angry,that all I can think of is to revenge him. He is such a passive aggressive guy.Totally abounding me and his kids at the last ten years,what was causing the collapse of my self esteem,and many other character problem with now grown kids.But what I hate the most,is that he is telling me that he loves me,so it is not setting me free. He is working 14 hours a day 7 days a week. I know he is great,that way,but it means 0 contribution in life.So now all I can think of at the last 5 years,that I must get out of here,and he is more and more difficult FOR ME to stand.I really wanted to commit to this marriage,but it looks like I can't,as I just destroy myself.I wish ,if I could focus on something else, not only on my dysfunctional marriage and family.But all I can think of how to fix things,yet nothing gets fixed ever. I try to do positive things,like lots of self care, walking exercising,intellectual stuff, but I always feel miserable.I wondering if anybody went threw on that,and if there is any good tip for me to survive/? THANKS.
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revenge, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntieEu  +, writes (24 October 2012):
With your children grown and the PA is working so much, you may now afford a housekeeper. Be sure to stash some money away for yourself and take a nice trip with some girlfriends...like an Alaskan cruise! Upon your return, and if he happens to notice you were gone and ask where you were, nonchalantly reply, "Isn't that why you work so much so I may reap the benefits of all the money you're making?" And, quickly change the subject to "...so where are we going for dinner tonight?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): marriedlady
Can you describe a strong woman ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): do you have any family or friends that would help? i really thing you need to get out of the situation and give yourself some space to be objective...to see what you want. but there are times when there just isnt anywhere to go. find something to do...get a job, make some money...do some things on your own. you have a good mind sweetheart, use it. go back to school...sit down and list what you want in life. if he loves you and wants you happy he will be glad to see you finding fulfillment. if he doesnt and it cant be fixed, then ride it out while you build yourself. one day you will reach that point where you look inside and see that you are strong enough. but it will take getting outside of the box you are in. start small, but you have to make it happen. i would suggest a job or classes. honey you can do it...you are stronger than you think. just reaching out to us here is a step. we are here for you. mal
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 I called in marriedlady.... she put into words what I was thinking but didn't know how to say. I hate divorce especially when there is nothing really wrong.. but a lifetime of "is this it" or "I'm lonely"... well that's no fun, what's the point of doing that...
I think you've tried and tried hard, and I'm guessing that he just pushes everything aside because he dosen't see the problem.. Therefore nothing will change, it's always going to be like this and you are going to get more angry and insane with bitterness as the years go floating by..
I'd tell you to take a lover, but that won't help, it might make you smile, but it will just create more problems than it actually solves...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): , Dear marriedlady t. ''im sorry sweetheart, but its time to walk out the door. it could shake him awake...or not. i dont know but to keep your own sanity and self respect, you have to reclaim your life. best of luck honey, ''
I think you are so right. And this is totally what is going on that ,I dont have the strength to do that, like I'm waiting for the miracle, and getting more and more powerless.
How do you think I can try to be a ''strong woman''in such a dysfunctional environment? I get depressed ,and it sucks the life out of me. Power struggles..Like I sart getting better, but than something goes terribly wrong ,and than I down for days like an injured goldfish in the fish tank. You need somehow extra energy for self care. So I wish if I could save this marriage, but its been a long time now, that all good things are gone.. Do you have any good trick how to stay normal and creative in a place like that? Thanks so much for everybody, love you all!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): thats exactly what worked for us. but it takes both parties to be willing...and not making the other person totally responsible for our happiness. no one can do it. theres not a human alive male or female that can carry that weight for long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): hey there q! i understood that she had spent the last 5 years doing that...if she hasnt then i agree with you 100%. mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): me again...also sweetheart there is not a man alive that can be enough to fulfill you. if you are clingy and needy, it drives men away. the more you cling the more withdrawn he will become. i dont know your particular case but i know middle aged women...seeing that i am one. work on being a strong woman, one that YOU like. thats the very first step. im not suggesting you give up on your marriage, but i do suggest that you spend time making yourself strong. i strongly suggest a separation period. and dont whine and make threats...just do it calmly. hugs honey, mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): arent satisfied being roommates...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): and q, that was a different time. i know where you are coming from...but todays woman wants to feel valued...loved...desired and intelligent. its our job to keep ourselves up, be kind and sweet, etc....make our men feel loved and wanted. its up to us to make a house a home. but we are satified with a roommate. if she has done her part with no love or respect then i say its time to walk away. Op...there isnt an easy solution...no magic words to fix it...there are times in life that we make hard stands, that we go against everything we've been taught to be who we ache to be. its not easy...in fact it can be hell...but oh so rewarding when you look in the mirror and like the person looking back at you. in the end its you that you have to be true too. i have walked this road, and we are making it work. it hasnt been easy...but the day came that i was willing to go it alone to find myself. i didnt have to but i would have. because i could not be what everyone else expected and demanded. i found that when i respected myself i gained the respect of others. mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): as a woman married for 27 years with lots of ups and downs...i always encourage women to work on it. make it work if possible...but a woman cannot make a marriage work alone. If he truly isnt anything more than a paycheck...then he isnt part of the team. and now that the kids are grown you have nothing left. im sorry sweetheart, but its time to walk out the door. it could shake him awake...or not. i dont know but to keep your own sanity and self respect, you have to reclaim your life. best of luck honey, mal
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
yep, got it... sounds like you have time on your hands.. Your kids are grown up.. how about getting a full time job. (that's if you don't have one already) Helps you not miss men, cause you get busy with other things instead.
Also will change the way he sees you as your no longer there to keep the home nice and sweet.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
Cause we love you guys and we want to spend time with you, and we want you to play nicely and want to be around us...
It hurts when you don't want that too.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
Bet he won't do couples counselling
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
Really hope some other aunts come along and answer this question, because your situation is hard, almost hopeless in a way.. I'm thinking... sorry babes
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): I stay ,because we have children together, also it is totally heartbreaking to live with someone that long and than just leave it all behind. But really, I think it is my self-esteem, that Im afraid, that I can't make it on my own. So instead of I would go I have this lingering anger inside, and feel actually totally unloved.Because I can't deal with the anger no matter what I do , Im never able to forget what I live in. So , I wonder what could help on that,
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
You love him, and your lonely..
Revenge won't give you what you want.
Can you book a holiday, and get him to go away with you for a short second honeymoon.
He's a workaholic, that's something that is impossible to change, and you are at the end of your wits...
Unfortunately your choices seem unhappiness and loneliness or divorce.. :( sorry... what's great about this guy, why do you love him and why do you stay?
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