A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a little confused and would love a little help understanding something. I've posted a few questions on this site and have reviewed quite a few other questions and answers posted by others on this subject and I'm pretty confused as to how people come to the conclusions that they do. Since when does someone admitting that they are single, have never had a relationship with a woman, and are feeling lonely mean that that person:• Is unconfident• Has low self esteem• Never gets out• Is not satisfied with themselves• Is desperate• Is not interesting• Has no hobbies• Has no Friends• Is looking for someone to affirm themselvesI'm definitely confident in many aspects of my life. I recognize that my confidence with women could use a little work though. I may wonder why I can't seem to find a girlfriend, but my self-worth never comes into question. I get out pretty frequently with friends in all sorts of settings. Overall I'm satisfied with who I am. I'm satisfied with my looks and overall personality. Sure there are a few things about myself I would like to improve upon, but I would never even think about changing who I am completely. I may feel lonely, but I'm far from the point of desperation. I think I'm pretty interesting. Having spent four years in the Air Force I've been all round the world; from the US to Europe to the middle east and back again. I actually have quite a few hobbies. From outdoor activities like canoeing, camping, sailing, fishing, biking and snowboarding, to indoor ones like homebrewing and woodworking. I even have a good group of friends. And no, I'm not looking for someone to "complete" myself, affirm myself or my way of life.Why are the singles who post on this site so often accused of being this horrible type of person when this clearly doesn't fit the description of singles that I know. It most certainly doesn't describe me. Is it so bad to be lonely for someone who you can be emotionally and physically close with. Someone to talk to. Someone to listen to. Someone to share your time and interests with. A warm body next to you in bed. I'm a guy, so I'd also welcome the idea of sex too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Anyone can get a girlfriend. Unfortunately, most times if you head out with that terrible "desperate and lonely" vibe, you'll attract what are colourfully referred to as 'Last Drink Girls'. They're the nasty sort, definitely quantity rather than quality, and I don't just refer to the crabs crawling around in their underwear. Those are the sort of girls who sleep with anyone. Literally anyone. Definitely for the unambitious men in the world, those who don't mind reaching for the low hanging fruit or sipping on proverbial cheap "house blend" wine... from a cask.You say that you like yourself, that you aren't hideously deformed and don't wear bike shorts on dates (I assume), so why are you so panicked about being single? I'm single. I love it. The whole damn world is my playground. I don't bother with proverbial cheap house wine. I'm happy to wait to get to a decent bar and have a nice glass of port or some good Remy; that is, bide my time until Mr Right comes along, as opposed to Mr Right Now. If you have looks, you make the rules in this world - tell people that you don't care that you're single, really MEAN IT, get out there and have some fun. You'll probably find that not only will all those around you suddenly start declaring that it's great to be single, but the newfound charm and confidence will likely land you a woman of quality - some proverbial Remy.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (15 January 2011):
 Part of it is just that the dating market is fundamentally screwed up these days, in more ways than I care to list.
Working on the traits you listed, plus a few others (most people are too polite to say, "Maybe you're just ugly as sin"), is pretty much the best ways to maximize your chances. But they remain just that, chances.
Besides, lacking in one or a few of those traits doesn't make you a horrible person, or a loser, it just makes it tough to find someone.
It looks like you've done a lot to make yourself attractive. The only two things I can think of are 1) Your group of friends may consist of people who are decreasing your chances with women by association (rule of thumb: if they're good at math, and aren't using that skill to reap millions in the stock market, being near them makes it tougher to find a girl), or 2) You're not out approaching women and trying to meet new ones. Going out alone is not enough; women rarely take the initiative to do more than make eye contact with guys they like (sometimes not even that).
I don't see "go out and approach women" on your list. Honestly, that's tied with confidence in importance - which puts it far above the other items. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a girlfriend. But you have to meet a lot of random girls before you find one worth dating.
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