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female
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anonymous
writes: I am married but about to separate. My marriage breakup started before I met someone else at work, but this person at work has taken over my thoughts almost 100% of the time too soon really, but we cannot help these things. He is nothing like the sort of man I am usually attracted to, but it started with him talking to me about how he is still in love with his wife who is divorcing him and I have just got closer and closer.Over the period of a year I have got to know him more, but we have never met socially. He doesn't know how I feel, but he is giving out confusing messages that make me unable to pick up on what he feels. I know he likes me as a person, we see eye to eye on things at work, he supports me and I support him, but we do not always agree, but we disagree constructively and enjoy the argument and the evidence etc. When we brush against each other it is like an electric shock. Sometimes he seems to enjoy closeness, sometimes he deliberately avoids me as if he senses I really like him and he is discouraging me, or he is afraid of losing control too soon when we both have so much to sort out in our own lives.Once when he was really upset at the begining he asked me what time I finished work. This was odd because he is my manager and he knows I finish at the same time as him. He often makes comments to others about my looks and seems to find me attractive. I often find him looking at me, even in a crowded room. Several times we have just caught each others eye and we exchange a smile, and I am usually the one to look away. Trouble is, one minute he seems to really enjoy my company, then he cannot get away quick enough. He has commented on how much we have in common on a couple of occasions and we are very at ease with each other. To say he is my senior at work, we also have a very good professional working relationship and in many ways I feel he is above me intellectually. One minute he is missing his partner and the next he is up fromt in front of everyone saying how deperate he is for someone new whilst I am there and desperate to be with him. Sexually he is very open (we are both health professionals), and he will tell anyone how he misses sex, yet when we are together, he treats me with reserve (which I don't want!).When our eyes meet there is a kind of telepathy where we really do exchange weird understanding of all sorts of things, not even personal. We can be across a meeting and I or he just gets this 'understanding' on an issue in hand.I feel sick with need to be with him, yet I cannot tell him as it may blow everything. So why he sending out such confusing signals?He admits my intuition has been accurate on many of his feelings he has been going through, but I dare not trust my intuition on this.Any ideas, particularly from men who may have insight into this behaviour.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2005): No one can tell you what he is thinking, dear. You are getting a "whack" of mixed messages from this guy and I can understand your confusion over this. Men don't necessarily want to be the "aggressors" in the relationship all the time. Women expect them to be and many women will not approach men they are interested in. Instead, us gals get frustrated & confused when men don't read our minds and the very subtle signals we send out. It's a well-known fact, men communicate very differently from women. You've sent hints to him that you were interested but men don't read hints very well. In fact, many men don't read hints at all! You've got to be clear and specific in all your messages, or accept the fact that he may not get it or is going to misinterpret them. That isn't my rule-it's just the way it is.
Especially with this guy who seems "gun shy" because of his impending divorce, and now with you being "gun-shy" as to not appear aggressive, is it any wonder he doesn't make any substantive moves? If you are sending messages that aren't absolutely clear and specific either, you have no right to be confused or frustrated by his lack of response!
Why don't you just tell him-you are interested in going out for a coffee? The worst thing he could say is: No. Listen hun, you like the guy-I think from what you posted, he really likes you. So get on the bandwagon-start the ball rolling and go for it Don't let fears of possible rejection-hold you back. If he says no-accept it graciously and then you have a good idea of where you stand with him. You not asking him for anything more than coffee with a good friend. Cut to the chase here-I suggest you try it and see. Best wishes and take care
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2005): Pops and eyeswideopen, my question was about, if from his behaviour, does this man feel attracted to me?
Your answers imply you have religious beliefs on marriage which is contrary to my own. I am afraid 'marriage' means nothing to me, but moral obligation does. Hence if a relationship is finished, I do not see marriage as anything other than a commercial exploitation and since both our partners are permanently out of our lives, I would not risk losing someone special as I could go a lifetime regretting it. On the other hand, if I could snap my fingers and make him happy by making his ex-wife want him back, I would do it!
I just wanted to know, if from what I described og his actions, does it seem he feels the same about me?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 October 2005):
 I can't believe I'm saying this but...I agree 100% with Pops! Hands off, chickie. Married is married, single is single. You are in for a world of hurt if you take this any further.
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reader, pops +, writes (25 October 2005):
UNtil he divorces his wife, and is free to date, he has no right to be asking you out, or having any kind of relationship with you. The fact that you work for him complicates matters, and could get him sued for the rest of his money after the divorce. Wait until his divorce is over, if it ever occurs. Then, and only then, let him know your feelings, and interest. Before acting on them, I would suggest finding work with another boss, so he does not face that danger to his career, and fortune. YOu have to consider what might happen if you start something with him, but decide later that it just can't work for some reason. Now he has an ex girlfriend working for him. How is he going to treat you, compared to others on the staff, when it comes to promotions, raises, etc. If you believe you have been denied some future raise, or promotion because you broke up with him, you could sue him and charge him with sexualharrassment, or discrimination. It could get very ugly in a hurry. If you are not thinking this way, he has to. He's the boss. So leave well enough alone. If he leaves his wife, and wants to take you out, and you still are interested in him, then by all means accept his invitation. But let him finish this marriage first.
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