A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm sick of my mother being rude to my spouse. I've confronted her about this before but nothing has changed. My mom came to stay with my husband and I this last week. Everything was fine until the last night there. My mother wanted some take out. She asked my husband if he would go in and get it for her (Since she was in pajamas). My husband told her no as he was on his way up to bed. He was also coming down with a cold. I said I'd go in and get the food for her.My mom was very mad about this. Claiming my husband wasn't treating me right because he was making me go get the food instead of him. I tried to reason with her explaining that it wasn't expected for him to cater to my every wish. That I am a grown adult who can fend for myself. She wasn't having it. She went on to list all the reasons why she doesn't like him. I was very uncomfortable and told her to please stop bad mouthing my husband. She insisted that if I was unhappy I could leave him. I repeated I was happy. My mother is very passive aggressive. The next day was the day she left. So I get up and she bad mouths him to me again saying how rude it was he didn't get her food and how she was the guest and that I shouldn't have had to get it. Just making snide comments all morning. Finally we get into the car for the hour long drive to the airport. We all 3 sit in silence for awhile. I try to make conversation and ask her why she's so quiet. She replies "I have nothing to say" for over an hour she refused to speak only saying "I have nothing to say" when I'd try to talk to her. Finally we get to the airport and my husband pulls her bags out of the trunk and is telling her goodbye and says "Can I have a hug?" to which my mother replies "I don't think so." So ended her trip. I said my goodbyes. I had planned to go into the airport with her but after the way she treated my husband I decided to just leave it there.I'm sick of her doing this. I've been with my husband for six years (Dating 5 and married 1). I feel under a constant strain when my husband and I are both around her. There have been many instances in the past where she's treated him badly. He's uncomfortable around her at this point. I was hoping the relationship was getting better this past year but this visit has set it back again. I don't want to hear someone bad mouth my husband. What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2014): Thank you for all the advice. To answer a few questions. Yes my mother is divorced. She's been a single parent since I was two. She had a problem with jealousy when I became engaged. I only found this out recently when she was telling a friend about it while I was in the room.
My mother still hasn't called or texted me. I'm trying to restrain myself from contacting her until she makes the first move. Is this the right thing to do? Usually when she gets upset I'll apologize (even if I'm not in the wrong) but I'm trying to hold back this time. My husband thinks this might be some type of power play on my mom's part? What are your opinions on this? It's only been 2 days now without hearing from her.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 This is YOUR marriage & YOUR husband & if your mother doesn't accept your husband, for whatever reason, then i am sorry to say, but that is your mothers loss, period!!
You are both adults, who fell in love & chose to spend your lives together, so your mother should be more mindful & take this into consideration.
As for your mother spending time @ your home & making rude remarks about your husband, simply because he was unable to pick up take out for your mother, well, she should have taken note of the fact that he was going to bed, although she may not have known @ the time, that he was off colour, coming down with something.
Your husband, i am sure, would have been a gentleman & gone to get the take out, if he had still been dressed & was feeling fine.
Your mother is not acting very reasonable in my personal view.
She is your husbands mother-in-law & she should behave appropriately, when she is around him &/or the two of you.
I would advise you to have a serious 1 on 1, with your mum & ask her what the issue is regarding your husband.
Has your mum any reason to be jealous of your marriage or your obvious happiness together??
Seriously, i wouldn't put it past some parents, because as a P/T counsellor myself, i have heard of these stories, time & time again.
Continue to love, respect your mother, but make it clear to her that you & your husband are very happy together & very much in love & i can almost guarantee, that eventually, if not now, your mother will come around & learn to accept, if not tolerate the situation all round.
The key here, is to be upfront & honest abt your feelings with your mum, bec if you are not, thsi pattern of behaviour will be sure to continue unfortunately.
Worst case scenario, as another reader mentioned, is that you may have to cut some major ties, with the source of the problem here. Your mother!
If you & your husband, after chatting about the situation together, decide to cut ties with your mother, do let your mum know what is going on & why you must do this.
Check out her reaction.
When your mum can tell you forthrightly, that she will curb or change her ways, then & only then, should you have a closer bond/connection with her once again.
If she is adament that she is right & not the source of all issues, then you have your answer, plain & simple.
By the way, you did not mention whether or not your dad is still alive, or with your mother?
I ask this question, because many men & women primarily, after losing a spouse, for whatever reason, become quite possessive & clingy or even jealous of other very close unions, because they no longer have that, hence her wishing to gain some sort of attention from your husband.
I wish you & your husband good luck!
Let us know how you go.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2014):
 I agree with Sage. Talk to your husband, and then inform your mom that you had enough of her attitude and that you really don't understand why she acts that way around your husband.
Is your mom single (divorced?) maybe part of her gripe is that she is just plain jealous. Or did you and your husband have a period where things were not so great and you talked to your mom about it? And she is still resenting him for past behavior?
She IS very passive aggressive.
And I would suggest every time she talk about your husband(like over the phone/text) you change the subject with a I refuse to hear you talk smack about my spouse. DO not ENGAGE her in her "discussion" of your husband.
Tell her you have every right to not like my husband, then WHY did you come visit? CONFRONTING a P-A person sometimes makes them unsure of their next "plan of attack".
Last but not least, stop catering to her. It's like when a 5 year throws a fit, you point it OUT and then IGNORE it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Do you have any reason to understand why your Mother has a gripe about Hubby? Is she like this with other people, also? (i.e. Is it "just the way she is?").
From the info you've given, it sounds like this is one of those festering sores-of-life that can only be "treated" by staying away from the source of the sore (your Mom).
Sit and talk with Hubby about HIS take on your Mother's behaviour, and decide how THE TWO OF YOU will address it.
Separately, you can speak to your Mother about how you perceive her behaviour around your Hubby... and learn how she justifies it. It may give you some hints as to how to react to it....
It could come down to keeping Mom and Hubby apart....
Her loss, that she doesn't have a warm and/or close relationship with her son-in-law. But, better that than that she can cause angst between YOU and Hubby.
Remember, you are expected to live with Hubby much more closely - and for a longer time - than with Mommy....
Good luck...
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