A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi all thank you for taking the time to read this. i have fallen in love with a man who is 25 yrs older than me and im having his baby. the problem is, is that his stupid ex wife will not get it through her head that i am with him now. i had to wait in the background seein him when i could. i vowed to keep my eye on my prize and that was him. she makes me sick, she is so pathetic, and gets on my nerves. IM PREGNANT with his child. she got the divorce from him, got a good settlement. so why does she still tells him that she loves him when he takes her the money? he tells me that she says it to him all the time. he says it back he says because he will always love her because of how long they were together. its bad enough that she gets money from him, i dont belive she deserves. when a marriage ends what gives these people rights to someones hard earned money? we have a nice house we just moved into, and the baby is due in 2 months. will she ever be out of the picture?she calls me a whore, and a slut when she talks to him. why is it all my fault that their marriage ended, if he was happy with the old hag than i would not have been able to get with him. just very tired of all the crap.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, money, moved in Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): anyone who cheats with you will cheat on you unfortunately
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): (orginal poster)he wont cheat on me because he does love me, and he is almost 50. like i have read here before when you get older you begin to slow down. NO he hasnt slowed down at this point. we go everywhere together, we just spent a awesome couple of days in west virgina at a casino, my first time ever :) he is creating memeories and firsts for me and with me. we enjoy each others company when hes not working. its not like they are spending a lot of time together he just takes her the alimony and he said when they go their seperate ways she says well take care of yourself and i love you, and he says that he says i love you too but its just a term of endearment. i dont understand why he dont mail it either because we live almost 2 hours away from her now. he says he is afraid it will get lost in the mail.... and dont want to get into trouble if she does not recieve it. i really dont think he is in love with her but i do understand that they were together for a very long time. but they have been divorced for almost 7 months, and seperated for longer, cause ive been with him for well over a year. so why is that feeling still there for her? especially after knowing that he didnt want to be with her anymore.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 May 2013):
 OP, you having a baby does not mean he will be with you 100% forever. DO NOT base your belief that he's "all yours" on the baby in your belly. I grew two babies with my first husband, I never thought I'd get a divorce.... guess what, people change. YOU will change over the next 5 years and you may find that YOU no longer want what he can offer.
I know you can't see it now, but I don't want you in a few years feeling like you can't come back here for support when you will need it.
I have to tell you that I have NO bad feelings about ex-husbands one or three (we won't discuss the second disaster) and YET I don't have ANY love for them (not even for the father of my children) and I do not want to see them or talk to them or express ANY sorts of positive feelings for them.
I send my first husband my child support payments (as a kindness not court ordered as the "child" is 29) via MY BANK so I do not have to see, hear or communicate with him. WE get along fine, but there is NO need to have contact.
When I have to have contact with my third husband, I always do it in public, and make sure that his wife is aware we are meeting and my husband is aware we are meeting. It's usually related to my dog that he has. OTHER than that there is no need to have any contact.
THE fact that your partner REFUSES to cease contact with his long term ex wife that he still loves would, for me be VERY disconcerting and very upsetting and very telling.
He is NOT ready to give her up. He is not willing to give her up. IF you mandate it, I am sure he will lie to you and sneak around to see her. Do not set that up. I would personally welcome her into my home, my life and everything else. What's the old saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" I think that will have to apply here.
I do NOT condone your behavior in "stealing" this man. I do not think you are seeing this clearly, I do not think the pregnancy is the reason you do not see this clearly either. I do not think you have EVER seen this clearly.
I hope for your sake you are one day not a wronged wife and do not have to walk in her shoes and call her and say "mea clupa I am so sorry". But I fear that 5 or 10 years down the road you will be a single mom, struggling to get child support from a man who is getting retirement income only and will still be either paying his former wife support money or will have returned to her.
NOTE that marriage (as he has indicated already) is no promise of fidelity.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2013):
 He will never cheat on you ?... Do you know that for a fact ? How ?
After all, that's exactly what he had promised his ex when he married her, and probably what she kept believing for many many years until... surprise surprise.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, but ...it does not seem that he is the type of guy to let something like a marriage stop him from pursuing something new that strikes his fancy.
Now you have to pray that nothing newer and fancier ever shows up , and that if they do they are less aggressively determined to win their prize than you were...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): "the problem is, is that his stupid ex wife will not get it through her head that i am with him now."that's not the problem. The problem is that this stupid guy you're with, whose baby you're carrying, will not get it through his head that he is with you now. He's still wanting and fully intending to keep her in his life. 'she makes me sick, she is so pathetic, and gets on my nerves."She probably feels the exact same way about you, and probably worse seeing as how you were the mistress when she was married to him. I'm sorry but here YOU are the "bad guy" for how you went about starting up this relationship in an immoral way."when a marriage ends what gives these people rights to someones hard earned money?"I doubt you'll be singing this tune when, in a few years' time, he leaves you too and then you'll be the ex-wife demanding more money from him in alimony. But the answer to this question is: during a marriage, the lower-earning spouse (often the wife) did a lot of things that made the higher earning spouse (husband)'s life easier. Such as doing the cooking and cleaning so he could concentrate on just earning money. If he had to do all the cooking and cleaning himself like if he was single, his life would be much harder. That's why when the marriage ends, he owes her money because she essentially helped make it so that he could hold down his job and earn that money to begin with.Furthermore, she was with him for many years more than you have been. Therefore what gives YOU the right to his hard-earned money over her? "will she ever be out of the picture?"No, because he wants to keep her in his life. "she calls me a whore, and a slut when she talks to him."Well, seeing as how she was married to him when you were sleeping with him, isn't that true? If you didn't want to be called these things, then maybe you shouldn't have behaved as if you were.'why is it all my fault that their marriage ended, if he was happy with the old hag than i would not have been able to get with him."it's not ALL your fault, it's also his fault that their marriage ended. However, what IS your fault is that you didn't mind your own business and stay out of other people's marriage and only get involved after the marriage has ended. If you hadn't played your role in getting with him, maybe he would have stayed married to her and worked out their problems. Or maybe not and he would have left her anyway but would have then had different motivations for doing so. Clearly he wasn't completely ready to let her go, probably your presence pushed him to make a decision he wasn't fully ready to, or he wouldn't now be having regrets that he left her and trying to work out a way to keep her in his life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): She won't ever be out of the picture because he doesn't want her out of the picture.You think that just because you're pregnant with his kid that this overrides everything? He may not have kids with her, but they have how many years of marriage and memories behind them? The best years of his life were spent with her. He's already past his prime now, with you. You're ready to embark on a new life because you're still young. He's got years of memories with her that don't just go away just like that. He told you plainly that he still loves her (which makes him a scum for having cheated on her with you) therefore she'll never be out of the picture because he doesn't want her to be.the problem is that you picked the wrong guy to fall in love with and get pregnant by. Look at his track record: he cheated on his marriage and got a younger woman pregnant. Don't think for a second that he wont' do the same to you in the future. And then even after that, he still has the nerve to claim he still loves his wife rather than trying to get over her. he is clearly an extremely self-centered and selfish person, who just wants to not let anything or anyone go, he wants to have everything whereas you want him all to yourself which is not going to happen because he doesn't want to be restricted to just you (or her). All I'm saying is, he clearly treated his wife like dirt so is it such a surprise that he is doing the same to you? that's just who he is, why did you expect him to be different with you? The saying goes: the best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. learn your lesson - what goes around comes around. This could be your karma for having gotten involved with a married man (which you knew was wrong to do yet you did anyway). Don't be surprised that there's no fairy tale ending.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): (i am the orginal poster)thanks for the comments. i dont really think i deserved them. i am homromonal i guess. he will never cheat on me, and although i did get pregnant by him before marriage we are planning a wedding in august. he asked her for the divorce she didnt want to give it to him but gave him one anyway. thats what he told me. and eyeswideopen what is a troll? im not a troll. im not a whore, and im not a slut. life is hard, and the only person that can make me happy is me, and he is the one who shows me that i am special and loved. and he takes real good care of me. im not after his money, or house just his love and compasion. like the old saying says you cant steal something that is ready to be taken. i want to call her and give her a mouth full and i have told him i wanted to. he said the love i have for her is not the same love i have for you. its just memories. and i dont want her to hate me for what i have done, he wants to still be friends with her????? whatever i got him, and his baby growing inside of me, thats all that matters. we were meant to be together oh and no he does not have children by her. :)
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 May 2013):
 Ha ha Please say you are a troll trying to wind up the aunts/uncles. Please? For the sake of all humanity?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2013):
Let me go line by line young lady,
1. You say “his stupid ex-wife” Calling others names because you do not like their behavior is childish and immature and indicates that you do NOT feel secure in your standing.
2. Just because you had to wait in the background does not mean others have to follow your lead.
3. Not sure why you think that someone else’s husband who is willing to cheat on you and impregnate you without the benefit of marriage is such a prize but then no one can see why my husband is such a prize to me.
4. You ask WHY does she still tell him that she loves him? BECAUSE she does.
Your bigger concern needs to be that
a. he TAKES her the money which is just an excuse to see her. He does not have to take her the money; he could mail it, or have a direct debit done from his bank and have the bank mail it for him (I do that with my ex-husband and the only clue I have that he’s gotten the checks is the notice I get when he cashes them) and
b. he still loves her and TELLS her he loves her. SHE GOT a divorce from him? DID HE start the divorce proceedings or did she? (that will tell you A LOT)
You say “it’s bad enough that she gets money from him, I don’t’ believe she deserves” REALLY… well clearly the courts or THEY felt she did. Long term marriages often involved women being supported by their husbands and when the husband leaves them high and dry with no work skills or income, he needs to be the responsible party to ensure that his wife of many years is still living the lifestyle she had with him. Just because he cheated and lied and impregnated another women does not mean SHE has to suffer any more pain than is already occurring.
IF your “prize” has children with this woman, she will NEVER be out of the picture. They will share all their kids’ joys and sorrows as well as their grandchildren. In addition, his actions clearly state that he DOES NOT WANT her out of his picture.
She calls you a whore and a slut and to be honest she’s right you are. YOU went after a married man with the intent to “uncleave” him from her. Your intent was nefarious and sleazy from day one.
While it’s not YOUR fault that their marriage ended… you were the catalyst. YOU were the driving force behind the marriage ending. IF he cheated on her with you, then yes he’s as sleazy and culpable as you are. What do you think you will call the next woman he cheats with? Sometimes folks that are not happy in long term marriages are willing to “go with the flow” and while the passion may have died, the love and comfort is enough to sustain them until some tramp comes along and spreads her legs to entice an older guy to feel like a young thing again.
Next time (and there will be a next time when this relationship you have ends) set your eyes on a prize that is yours to have.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): I remember you posted 2 questions before. she will not just get over this in the space of weeks or even months, you muscled in on their marriage (and yes he was more than willing to cheat too) and she probably feels her life has been ruined.
from what I remember you saying, you already have a child from someone else to think about, not just this baby so I hope you 2 are concentrating on making a stable relationship for these kids.
also you wont want to hear this but a man who cheats with you will cheat on you. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 May 2013):
 One minute you say you kept your eye on your prize (another woman's husband) and then you ask why is it your fault their marriage ended.
He tells you he will always love her, well hey, hey, hey, I suppose it depends on what you thought the prize was that you were keeping your eye on.
You may have the man, and the baby in the belly, but that woman has his never ending love.
Ask yourself now, who has the prize?
A major attitude change is required here, but I doubt it will happen.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): yes i also agree. never mess about with someone elses husband as what goes around comes around. why didnt you find yourself a single man?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): "so why does she still tells him that she loves him when he takes her the money?"Why is he giving her the opportunity to tell him she still loves him by delivering her money in person? Apparently he's stringing her along so she'll be available as a fallback Plan B should he get tired of you."he tells me that she says it to him all the time. he says it back he says because he will always love her because of how long they were together."And what he is telling her about you? Probably that he doesn't really love you and is only staying with you because you're knocked up with his kid and he doesn't want to pay child support. "its bad enough that she gets money from him, i dont belive she deserves. when a marriage ends what gives these people rights to someones hard earned money?"The concept of marital property as joint property, and the expectation that a non-working spouse who made a home should be compensated for her contributions to the marriage while continuing to enjoy the same standard of living after the divorce are what gives "these people" those rights.You'll appreciate the benefits of marriage more in a few years if you're still shacking up by the time he trades you in for a younger model; that's when you'll discover what's his is his (his assets) and what's yours is yours (a kid that you won't be able to support on your own). "we have a nice house we just moved into, and the baby is due in 2 months. will she ever be out of the picture?"More likely that HE has a nice house you just moved into, and she won't be out of the picture as long as HE keeps telling her he loves her when hand-delivering support money to her."why is it all my fault that their marriage ended"Gee, maybe she suspects her husband was sleeping with a much younger woman behind her back, and given that you are now knocked up by and shacking up with him, I'd say her suspicions are well-founded. But I'll concede her anger is misplaced as HE is more culpable than you as you didn't get out of her bed and hop into yours, HE did.Very difficult to have any sympathy for you. Unlike his ex, you know in advance that he's capable of cheating on his wife while making her the bad guy, and if a male is capable of cheating on his wife of many years, then he's certainly capable of cheating on his mistress especially once she becomes a hell of a lot less attractive as his shrewish harpy baby mama.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): If he left you for a hot skinny 18 year old who didn't have a giant pregnant belly, would you instantly forget you were ever with him? There's your answer. Sounds like they were together for a long time, and her feelings for the man she married long before you were in the picture aren't something she can just turn off. Grow up and get ready to raise your child instead of acting like one.
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