A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm married and my husband just doesn't seem to care about my feelings or needs. He is a little self absorbed and has entitlement issues. He is a blamer whenever I bring up an issue he turns it around and says I did that because you made me because you did this or you are that. It's pathetic he takes no responsibility for his actions. He also has a daughter and I have a daughter. His daughter is really insecure, jealous of my daughter, mean spirited and a manipulator. He refuses to see this and get her into counseling. Then there is the ex-wife boy is she a piece of work. My husband claims to hate her, but sleeps with her when he is single and cheated on previous gfs with her and she is worthless. I can't think of one redeeming quality she has. I had to force him to make boundaries with her..... there is just a lot of baggage here. I'm starting to get resentful towards my husband and his daughter. I don't know how to get a handle on this situation so that my husband realizes that co existing isn't good enough, I'm sick of taking responsibility for his daughter when he won't get a handle on her issues it has put a strain on the family. I'm sick of being in the middle of him and his ex wife trying to stab at each other through their daughter.... I'm trying to be positive but lately the only thing that puts me at peace and makes me truly happy is my daughter. Does anyone have any advice on how to make this situation better, workable...... bearable???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): I lived the role of your husband for a number of years with my ex. My two daughters were young then... my ex-wife seethed whenever she saw how happy I was with the new woman in my life. While I will not say that I was completely innocent, there were truthfully - and sadly, for my daughters and the woman I lived with at the time - many, many times when my ex would use my love for my 2 daughters as the hammer to hit me over the head with.My situation was a little different in that I lived with the new woman in my life, we were not married. And then, after nearly 6 years together, we got engaged. The new woman in my life wanted children of her own and at first I was committed to having children with her. And then I let my ex-wife get to me, leading me to say to my then fiance' that I did love her very much, but I just couldn't chance going through this again and so I would not have any more children. This destroyed what had been a beautiful love in about 3 months. It took me years to get over.I did go forward in life, though. When my girls were both in high school, my ex-wife and I had a couple of sit-downs and for the most part, we buried the hatchet for the sake of our daughters. We all got along well, my ex and I put our girls through excellent colleges and they are wonderful young ladies now, each of them. I have no contact with my ex anymore, but speak with my girls most every day. It worked out well in the end, but there was a great deal of blood, sweat, and tears spilled along the way. Doesn't have to be that way. I know my situation is different from yours, but perhaps I can offer this suggestion:Try placating his ex-wife and if it's not too distasteful, yes her to death on just about anything and everything relating to his daughter. Have your husband try this method - which should include his having the absolute bare-minimum interaction with his ex, and see what happens. Put yourselves on a limited time for this experiment, and try and identify both your ceiling/limits and your husbands ceiling/limits concerning any possible issues with his ex that you might be able to predict at one level or another.Your in a very tough situation. It seems like you and your husband love each other genuinely. I wish you the very best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Your husband still has a lot of issues with his ex wife. Using his daughter as a weapon is unforgivable. Its not surprising he isnt considering your feelings. He wont even considering his own childs! Please back off from his daughter. Being caught in the middle of warring parents is an awful position for her to be in. Dont punish her for the mess her parents are making of her life.
For anything to improve, your husband needs counselling. This will enable him to let go of the issues he has with his ex. He cant move on until hes addressed them and accepted you as the only woman in his life. Only then can he rebuild a happier life with you and cease hurting those around him. Until he can do that, im afraid you will all suffer.
My advice would be to make a stand and refuse to tolerate things any longer. Tell him unless he has counselling you will be forced to take a break from him and decide where you feel this relationship is heading, because his behaviour is damaging his daughter and your relationship.
He may have issues with this woman but its not your fault and certainly not his daughters fault. Until he can see that, you are wasting your time with him. You should be with someone who loves only you and can make you happy. If he is not prepared to try for you, then it is you that should be bold and move on. All the best.
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A
female
reader, LifeHurts1126 +, writes (9 March 2010):
I have parents like that and I absolutly can't STAND it! Lately I have been forced to take a solid stand and hurt them both with the truth; that I'm almost at the legal age and I'm not gonna take it anymore! I'm slowly but surely making them realize that even if they hate each other I won't let them use me anymore. It's been a hard road thats brought me to tears sometimes but its finally getting better. I get through the hard parts by keeping my focus on the bigger picture and looking forward(graduating high school and moving out). Maybe the same technique will work for you?
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