A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When I was in college, I studied abroad in Mexico and became friends with a guy down there at school (I'll call him Fulano). I fell in love with him, and thought he really liked me. To make a long story short, he's still down there, and he has a girlfriend that he seems completely in love with. He's told me that he loves her too much ever to leave her. This happened some time ago, and it broke my heart. I eventually moved on with my life, but last night, I had a dream about Fulano. This dream was disturbing to me because it revealed to me that part of me still loves him, and that I'll never get over him. All my feelings for him, the way he made me feel, everything about him that made me love him- it's all coming back to me. I believe in that song Bonnie Rait sings, "I Can't Make You Love Me." You can love someone with your whole heart, but there's no magic spell or potion to change the way someone feels about you, nor can you control your love for someone else. Love comes from within, and it can't be forced. I can't make Fulano love me, but I don't want anyone else, and I know that I can't EVER love anyone else! I know that I can't love anyone else because I'm not interested in American guys; Fulano is a handsome Mexican guy and I've always had my heart set on a handsome Latino guy. I'm not trying to be mean but I don't want an American guy; I have always had my heart set on a handsome, Latino guy. I mean no offense to American guys but I'm just not attracted to them. Fulano is Mexican, and handsome, and he always loved and praised my guitar playing. Nobody believes me, but I KNOW in my heart that I'll never love an American, Anglo Saxon guy. I only want a handsome Latin guy. I want someone I'll love, and I'll never love an American man. I'm so sick of being told, "You just haven't found the right American man." I know my own heart and American guys just don't get me or understand me. I have always dreamed of someone with beautiful black hair and dark skin who will love my guitar playing and take me dancing and talk to me in Spanish. Someone athletic, who knows how to swim and who I can watch play soccer. Fulano is everything I ever dreamed of. It frustrates me when people tell me that it's natural that Fulano fell for a girl from his own culture and that it's understandable he would prefer someone from his own culture over me. I'm from USA but I've studied abroad in Mexico, and Spain. I have nothing against USA but I don't identify with the culture at all and i always felt like I didn't belong. When I was in Spain, I felt accepted, and a sense of belonging for the first time in my life. I fell in love with Mexican culture too, even though I love Spain more. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and like I'm an outsider wherever I go. People want to marry someone from a similar cultural background, and so latin guys tend to gravitate toward Latin girls. I'm not attracted to American guys at all because I don't identify with American culture and I feel a sense of belonging in Latin culture. I'm so scared I'll always be looked upon as an outsider in Latin culture... like I'm welcome to partake of the culture, speak the language, visit the country. But I want more. I would like to be part of that world and I wish and wish I could live in a Latin country for good and marry a Latin guy. At the end of the day people expect me to fall in love with North Carolina as my home (I live here and HATE it!!) and marry an American guy. American guys just don't understand me and I'm not attracted to them. I've never met an American guy that supported my guitar playing; before I met Fulano, I dated a series of American guys who tried to keep me away from my guitar playing... I don't wanna be with someone who crushes my soul.I'm 30 years old, and I still have never known the joy of loving someone who returned my feelings. It seems like the fireworks have popped for everyone else, and I'm losing heart and feel so sad because time is running out for me. In my heart of hearts, I feel that you need to be physically present with each other in order for a relationship to work. My life isn't conducive to a relationship because of some stuff going on in it right now. I'm an EFL teacher and I made the decision to get a Tefl certificate and go overseas. I haven't left the USA yet, but I will very soon. In spite of the fact that this guy broke my heart, it didn't change the fact that I've always dreamed of traveling the world. There's so much I haven't done yet, and I'm not ready to settle down and have an ordinary life. I don't see how I could have a real relationship when I'm off in Korea or Spain teaching English, and expect him to stay in Mexico and wait for me. The logical part of my brain realizes this, but my heart is screaming for this void to be filled, like a hungry, starving child who only knows hunger. I've tried to move on with my life, and I thought that I had, but part of my still loves this man and I have struggled to get over him, and can't. I'm not trying to be mean and I mean no offense to anyone, but repeat: I'm not attracted to American guys! I have my heart set on a handsome latino. I know there's no magic spell or potion that could make him return my love, or honestly, I would use it. I'm aware that there are some people (in the US and in Mexico) who believe that you can win someone back with the help of voodoo or witch doctors, but I don't believe those things exist. Magic spells and all that stuff just exist in stories... but I wish they were real. I know this sounds selfish, but I've NEVER known the joy of being in a loving relationship. I would do anything to know what it feels like... just for one day. People weren't meant to be alone like this. I want so badly to share my life. I have so much love to give that my heart could just explode from it. I'm so frustrated... there are over six billion humans in the world, and you'd think that there would have been just ONE, that one perfect one that would have loved me back by now. I understand that not every man I love is going to reciprocate my feelings. I GET that. It's just that I've NEVER had a special person. Every single time I've loved someone, my heart has been broken. I would do anything to know what it feels like to experience love, mutual love, even for a day. I don't see how Fulano and I can ever be together and I've tried to move on with my life but I can't make my heart stop feeling what it's going to feel. I'm so lonely, and I want so badly to share my life. I'm sick of being heartbroken and scared I'm never gonna be happy.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): You know I have always been told that before I can work on making anyone else happy, I need to try and make myself happy first. What I mean is that even though I wanted love more than anything, there were too many other things about my life that needed help first. I wasn't happy with my job or where I was living or with my plans for the future. Once I started focusing on those things more, I noticed that because I felt bettter about myself I started getting more attention from people who noticed. I am 35 and am now getting married. Because of what you wrote I think maybe you should concentrate more on other aspects of your life and try to improve them. I think you will end up being noticed by the right people too. As far as being scared, trust me I understand. But maybe give someone a chance every now and then that you normally wouldn't just to see how it goes. Keep an open mind and you could be surprised.
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