A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm sick of being friendzoned by girls I like. I know there's a difference between friendship and friendzone too.Friendzoned is when you go out of your way to show someone you'd make a great boyfriend/girlfriend, they soak it all up and then say, "Awww, thanks but I just want to be friends/let's keep things the way they are" ... you mean when I was pursuing you for no reason? I'm supposed to keep pursuing you while fully knowing that all we get out of it is... me pursuing you? No thank you!A friend is an equal, someone you respect. Someone you're honest with. It's not just about the part where we're not ever having sex. It's not that I'm being "a good boyfriend" and expecting sex as an award or entitlement. I try to be a good person regardless. I am, however, showing what I have to offer in hopes that she IS interested. If I just wanted friendship, I'd approach her as a friend and an equal and a sister. Problem is, even though I'm hurt (duh) by a rejection I'll still try to be a friend to her- it's not her fault she can't magic herself attracted to me and that doesn't make her a bad person or friend. Sometimes being around her (at least at first) is too painful, so I pull backYes, I treat her differently- I stop pursuing her. I treat her as a friend, an equal, a sister, one of the guys. Thought that's what she wanted but every.single.time. she tells me "Now you're being an asshole! Why can't things be like they were?"...?"You just want sex,"Actually... no. I want more than that. If I just wanted sex I'd hire a hooker. I don't have it in me to treat a girl well, flirt with her, gain her trust and then string her along just for sex. Lots of guys do that. I saw those FWB posts and I promise: if a guy wants fwb it's bc he wants sex with no work and thinks he's above paying a hooker. Almost always.It's not the rejection of being my girlfriend. It's the ENTITLEMENT of wanting girlfriend privileges without the sex attraction. It's where I'm treated like a girl friend with a penis or a boyfriend whose supposed to be asexual. No.If I'm "emotionally bonding" with a girl or girls all the time and they all tell me what a great boyfriend I'd make (for someone else) I've discovered any new girl sees me as friendship material or surrogate brother. Any new girlfriend IS going to see them as threats, be jealous of the closeness we have that she hasn't got yet, and want them to go away. Meet a new girl who says she just wants friendship? Maybe she's telling the truth but my gf never is OK with that bc that's an emotional affair. And she'll be right. All this is true for both genders in any gender preference situation. I can only imagine bisexual problems! (I can't put myself in your shoes bisexual people but I sure feel for you.)I guess I wanted to rant but why don't people ever seem to see it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2023): I'm sorry to hear about your suffering!You're not the first person I heard this from. Some of my friends 2 men and 3 women could have written this question.DO you know what they ALL have in common? They keep going after poeple who ARE NOT interessted in them! And they know it (deep down, very VERY deep down), but they still keep pushing, keeping their "friends" feel special and these "friends" more often than not (ab)use this, (ab)use them. And they keep pushing even more hoping that soon their "friends" will show how special they are to them too. It NEVER happens, because they were not interessted in them from the get go. They were, however, very much interessted in what they can do for them.I'll go a step further, do you know what else ALL FIVE of them have in common? They have this image of an ideal partner (and I'm certain that at least 2 of them are not even aware of that). So when they meet this potential ideal partner they are ready to bend themselves backwards hoping to "win the lottery". Again, NEVER happens.You get them used to "privileges" and once you openly ask for some of your own, they say no, because it's their right and you feel let down. Why? Because you were not being generous, you wanted somethuing in return, knowing that they do not feel the same way, you just hoped that at some point they might.Now, I don't know what's your "ideal partner", but for three of my friends is a man successfull at his job, preferebly something artistic or unussual, who earns a lot. Two of them want him to be extremly good looking. One of them wants him to be even famous. I don't even know the number of guys who used them, never wanting even to have sex with them, because they are not attracted to them, but sure want to have friends who are always there for them, help them out and are looking at them with adoration. They also like to pick men who are unavailable to them (daddy issues and all that).Now, let's talk about the guys I mentionned. My best childhood friend always tried to wins the hearts of women who are far more educated than he is and to whom this difference was extremly important. He was boring them! But, he happens to be extremly handy (elecytrician, plumber...). So he hoped that that was enough, just being useful to them. And he would get really disappointed when they acted surprised suddenly realizing that he had feelings for them.Teh last men I mentionned is gay and is always looking for an Apollo and he's ready to accept a huge amount of BS for even a hint of a possibility to realize this fixation. He's fully aware that these poeple sometimes use him for sex, without giving him anything in return. And yet he keeps repeating the pattern of accepting to be FWB untill they get a real bf.I mean you get the picture. You are the one who's doing everything, they are just accepting a free ride untill you become demanding. See poeple for who they trully are and don't think that by doing stuff for them you can manipulate them into being with you. When you are honest thes efake poeple have nothing to connect to and you stop wasting time on them. And btw, this is how you create an opportunity to meet someone who may actually like you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2023):
 I can only imagine the frustration here, OP
However, if this has happened several times maybe you need to change how you approach women (not girls, I hope).
Be upfront that you are looking to find a partner, not another friend from the beginning. You "get to know" someone while dating. Starting out as friends with the hopes that SHE realizes that YOU would make a great BF seems to backfire.
If a woman says she isn't looking for a BF, just a good friend, SHE isn't the one you are looking for. Skip her.
And I would not stay friends with someone who expects me to be their friend but treat them as a GF. I'd cut them off, they are just using you.
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