A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Ever since kindergarten, I've been going to school withthis girl named Karen*. Throughout elementary school, Ijust kind of had the whole little play-together-on-the-playground-from-time-to-time kind of relationship with her. She had her own little group of friends, and I hadmine. Her friends and my friends would hang out fromtime to time, but really, we kind of just kept to ourown groups.I'm not really sure of any really delicate way to saythis, but I'll try my best not to sound too completelyharsh. Karen is...well...she's a little..."slow". Sheisn't full-on retarded--she's just different. She'salways humming and singing to herself, and she can sitand stare at a certain point for hours on end. She doesnot hardly ever say anything, and when she does, it'susually not much.By the time we got to seventh grade, the girls in hergroup had kind of moved on from her. Noticing this, Ikind of took her under my wing. I started inviting herto sit with me and my group at lunch and hang out withus during break and in the mornings before the bellrang, and she started doing it. My friends and I arevery outgoing, and we're always messing around andhaving a good time. I hoped that this might rub off onher, but it never did. I've tried everything--I've taken her to parties with me, she's gone to the movies with me, we've gone shopping together--just about everything a pair of girl friends does. She even follows me around at school. Every single time she goes anywhere with me, she sits and stares off into space, singing to herself and making little to no conversation whatsoever. I'm a very talkative person, so this is pretty much torture to me. All the girls in my group have pretty much given up trying to have anything to do with her, as every single time they've tried before, she has made little to no response. On several occasions, I've sacrificed having a good time because I feel guilty...like I'm leaving her out. Since the seventh grade (we're juniors now), I have felt like a baby-sitter to her...not a friend. I know that it's going to sound incredibly horrible, but I'm honestly getting tired of it. There isn't that much time left of high school--just one more year. And I want that year to be a fun-filled year of carrying on actual conversations and having actual fun at parties...not baby-sitting Karen. I don't want to hurt her, but at the same time, I don't think I can put up with the way things are for much longer. What should I do?Signed,Torn Reply to this Question
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (26 February 2009):
 Dear Tom (a great big warm hug to you),
You are such a loving and caring friend. You have already stuck it out for several years already, I think you can "endure" another year with Karen under your wing.
She may not be "retarded" you know. It could very well be that she is autistic (and undiagnosed). Autistic people knows what is going on around them perfectly well, it is just that their ability to actualize their expression is somewhat impaired. If diagnosed early in their life, there are treatments (medication as well as diet). That is why it is important that you still need to explain to her what you plan to do at times - that may not include her. She probably loves being around you and your friends because she understood every single thing you and your friends do and say. She just could not express it the way you'd like to see.
Judging by your story, I believe that you have done everything right by her. Please do not think that she is a burden to you, even if you sometimes feel that you do at times.
If she does not live next door to you, you can still have fun times with your friends outside school. Just like with a baby sister, if you felt bad about not asking her to go along with your group of friends, you could perhaps tell her nicely that you may have plans later on in the afternoon with other people - from time to time - , but that you'll be back with her again the next day at school. As always.
You have done your best to be there for her through your school years. Has she been to school counsellors? Psychologists? Does her parents do anything to help her? If "yes" to all of the above, then guess what? I think her parents love you just like they do their daughter too!
Just be patient, sweetheart, please bear it out until end of high school. You may not realize it, but Karen also has given you a valuable lesson in life. Should you decide to be a psychologist, or psychiatrist, or a doctor, or an engineer, or even a business person, you will look back at these times and be thankful that she has helped you become a better person than the good person you obviously are already.
Good luck ... and stay sweet and caring as you are!
Cat
A
male
reader, Lunchbox +, writes (26 February 2009):
Get her drunk! lol j/k that may help though. Talk to her, ask her why she's always so quiet. Make her understand that it's ok to be silly when your with friends. I'm sure she wants to enjoy her senior year in high school too, so point it out to her. Don't give up on her quite yet she'll get there. Hope I helped. Good luck.
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