A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thanks alot So my bf can be very abusive. Verbally abusive. Resorts to name calling at the slightest things. He wasn't like that in the beginning at first he was calm and sweet then he changed alot. Maybe the true colors appeared. When were together it's usually with a group of his buddies they smoke weed while I try to talk to him and he seems annoyed I'm making conversation. Over text he will ask a question then disappear for hours then when I ask why he does that he gets mad and and asks why I cry for attention. Well the thing is he doesn't give attention so I'm not even sure why he stated that and if he does its negative attention. I'm sick and tired of his treatment towards me. It's always about his friends and weed. Any advice please because apparently I am overreacting according to him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2021): Seriously? do u wait until ure in your 50`s he wont CHANGE
Girl QUIT,dont you deserve better? c`mmon.lots are out there
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2021): Some of you are so critical, (ann) she isn't moaning shes seeking advice and hes obviously abusing her and your also being not so supportive here.
Also, wiseowle sometimes your not so wise.
My advice is he is not who he was, he doesn't value you or appreciate you. Have a good talk with your family and friends. Tell them your situation.
Be well
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2021): Typo corrections:
"Now you probably have to beg for [a] kiss!"
"When married, you are registered on public-record; and legally-bonded on paper."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2021): You are still with this waste of space because you do not want to be single and you cannot see that being with a waste of space is worse than being single. You want to complain and moan and groan about him and you want someone to wave a magic wand over him so that he grows up and becomes much nicer. Surely you know this cannot and will never happen.
Now tell me something... if your boiler broke down and you were sitting in a freezing cold place, teeth chattering, having to wrap yourself in loads of clothes and blankets, would you come online and complain for hours or would you call a plumber in to fix it?
You are your own plumber. You fix this by ending this ridiculous farce of a relationship... or you stop moaning and get on with it and make the most of the few crumbs he tosses you now and then when it suits him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2021): Girl, you came here to ask how to change him. You want some secret magic formula that will make him new and improved; so you don't have to dump him, and be thrust out there into the dating world. You're in your 30's, and you've got to find a way you can fix or repair the hot mess you've got. You don't want to have to go through all the trouble of finding a new boyfriend! Not while in your 30's!!! All based on the premise of "what he used to be!" Nobody has invented a time-machine to go-back in time. When he was all that, and a bag of chips! Truth is, he never really was...but fresh new-love made him look better, like the sky looks better through your sun-glasses. Maybe he was better, but now you're here at DC. Meaning he ain't anymore!
Reality-check! You can't change or fix anybody. You can go to medical school; become a doctor, surgeon, or psychiatrist. Diagnose to find-out what's wrong with people. You'll still find, bad-boyfriends have got to go! It's hard enough doing self-improvements, and dealing with your own faults and imperfections. There are no magic potions, secret formulas, or transformative cures for broken mucked-up boyfriends. You have to list and assess your pros and cons; and gather the courage (and common sense) to let him go. You catapult his sorry @$$ to the curb! If you're worried some other female will grab him up; she'll have to fix him first. He'll be like a stinky old couch left on the curb, with weird stains! Good luck with that! Someday he might change, but not for you. He'll change when he finds somebody he wants bad enough to do it. If you've had him for years, and he just keeps getting worse? Well, girlfriend, figure it out!!! How bad does he have to get?
The thing about boyfriends and girlfriends is that they are disposable and replaceable. These days, married-people will get a divorce at the drop of a hat; in spite of the expense, emotional-drain, and stress it imposes. Yet, it seems so hard to kick a jerk of a boyfriend to the curb. Why???
Okay, at first he was sweet; and he used to do all kinds of lovely things. Sex was phenomenal, and you almost had to fight him off. Now you probably have to beg for kiss! Now he's verbally-abusive, a pothead, and a tool. You've got options, but you're scared to explore them.
Here's the thing. He has now passed his expiration-date; and he's gone bad in his container. Do you leave bad eggs in the fridge? Do you eat cheese with strange fuzzy-mold? Do you keep spoiled milk, because it used to be fresh??? No, you don't!
A husband has made vows to do this, that, and other things to commit for a lifelong relationship; and death is the only thing that is supposed to separate you...with out-of-town business-trips being the only exception. When married, you are registered on public-record; and on legally-bonded on paper. All that's his is yours, and all that's yours is his. You can't just walk, you've gotta getta lawyer!
Now boyfriends? That's a whole different ballgame, girlfriend! They are under a limited-warranty; and are exchangeable at any given time. When they get neglectful, have bad hygiene, keep in-touch with all their exes, come home late with questionable-explanations; or they're too chummy or flirty with your sister or your girlfriends. These are serious factory-defects; and you have to submit him for a refund or replacement. Don't get extended-warranties on boyfriends. You have to rid yourself of tools and fools; you don't keep them just for the sake of drama, or old-times sake. You push the handle and flush them, when they stink!
If you've clearly seen obvious signs of incompatibility and dysfunction. That's your cue to jet! You cut ties and run for your life!
Go right-ahead! Stick around and see how much more you can take. The thought and decision of leaving will get easier. You can do bad all by yourself. Changing him or fixing him is not an option.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (27 October 2021):
Any advice? It seems obvious that you guys aren't a good match. If you continue to stay with him you'll continue to be unhappy unfortunately.
Someone out there will share many of his good qualities without making you feel like crap. Look for that person.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 October 2021):
 Like Honeypie, I have to wonder what you are getting out of this ersatz relationship and why you stay. Do you think you would feel any more "alone" if you got rid of him? He is verbally abusive. He refuses you any attention or affection. WHAT do you get from him?
You have two choices as I see it: dump him or make a life away from him so that he can carry on spending time smoking with his friends while you do your own thing. Don't wait for him to change. It won't happen.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2021):
 So why are you still with him?
That was my first thought when I read your post.
You say he is abusive - verbally abusive. You say all he wants to do is hang out with friends, smoke pot, and ignore you.
Now if you were a teenager (and he was one too) maybe I can see this as some cringy teen relationship where the girl just wants a BF. but you are a WHOLE adult. You don't HAVE to date this man! You can do better.
What are you even getting out of this relationship?
And IF you stay with him do you really think that this will change? That he won't be the same dude in 5 years or 10, always wanting to hang out with other loser friends smoking pot?
You know what you ought to do.
I don't think you need my advice or permission.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2021): Dump him. He won't change and he does not love you. End of.
Dump him or put up with it - those are you two choices. Nobody can help you other than you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2021): Girl you know in your heart what you must do.Time to make him a ex. He treats you terribly and you take it.Why?Him saying you are over reacting to this is called gaslighting....and you are falling for it hook line and sinker.You know that is a form of abuse.You can do so much better than this.You deserve a man who loves you and respects you which clearly he does not.Dump him as he is no good to you. What would you tell your best friend if she came to you with this same situation?? You know you would tell her to dump him.Dump him and get someone who really loves you....He clearly only loves himself.
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