A
male
age
36-40,
*cNasty
writes:I was with this girl for about a year, in a long distance relationship. I was up at school, she was back in my hometown. She was so, so good to me. However, I was going through a really tough bout of depression during our time together. I hated my life, I hated myself, and I couldn't bring myself to love her like she deserved. Depression makes you very selfish and very self-absorbed. I was really scared about her finding out about it for some reason, so I made up all these excuses to keep her sort of at arm's length so she wouldn't be hurt if I couldn't get out of the rut I was in. I honestly just wanted to wait until I got better. However, since she was oblivious to how much I was suffering, she took it that I didn't really care about her and saw her as a friend with benefits or something.She dumped me after a nasty fight (I was still trying to cover up my depression, I have no idea why). My fake excuses hurt her a lot, and even though I begged her to reconsider, she wasn't having it. We ended up in this weird gray area where I wasn't quite sure where we stood. I thought we were on a break, or trying to recapture the love, or something like that. She saw it as completely over. She was still doing things like sending me mixed signals, having me sleep over (but no sex), and when I went to kiss her, we ended up making out for a while. It all seemed really temporary to me.Anyways, after some talks the situation became clear to me. I was heartbroken but she wouldn't take me back. She acted like I needed to prove my worth to her, which I would've done, but then one week later she gets a new boyfriend. It was some kid who was trying to get with her for like a year while I was with her, and even tried kissing her a few times while she was still with me. She warned him at the start that she still had feelings for me but I don't think that matters anymore. Maybe I saw real things but maybe I was just searching for clues. But regardless, I felt she was still mine to win, and I told her we could be friends, that our old relationship didn't work, and we could have a fresh start. She remained receptive if not completely open to the idea of dating again someday, and I need to point out that she has said that we would date when the timing was right, and that she never closed the door on a future relationship even though she doesn't necessarily see it that way.So we do the friend thing and the signs were so apparent to me that she wants me back. We were seriously having some of our best times ever, and I felt like regardless of the outcome, I needed to let her know how I really felt. I confessed my love to her by springing it on her (stupid decision and a stupid way to do it) and she rejected me. She was really angry for me lying to her about it being ok, and even more mad about blindsiding her the way I did. She repeated everything about how she had no romantic feelings for me, how I waited too long to show her how I felt, how her heart was broken by the situation too, and how she knew we could be together but she didn't want that. I told her that we shouldn't talk anymore and needed a break from one another. She was sad but agreed.I went through a phase of hating her. I missed her so bad and wanted to just hold her like I used to, but I just couldn't get why she wouldn't want that anymore. After a few weeks, I heard that she was asking about me to my friends and stuff so I called her up. I went over her house and I finally explained about the depression and how it wrecked so many things for me. I told her I was so sorry that I let something so ugly destroy what a beautiful thing we had. I told her that I'll always have regret about it but that all I wanted was for us to stay in each other's lives and stay close no matter what happened. She was glad to hear me finally open up about the depression and a lot of old wounds were healed on her part. I promised myself to keep it cool, not let her run my life the way she had during our first friendship attempt.Her boyfriend moved away to a town about an hour and a half away on August 1. Since then she has been calling, texting, and hanging out with me every day. I wouldn't have a problem with being her friend, but she won't let it stay in a completely platonic vibe. She randomly sent me a picture message one day of her just making a silly face, she texts me and calls me late at night, she always wants to hang out, and when we do it's weird. She flirts with me and playfully hits me and tickles me and stuff like that, and touches me in a familiar way. She sits on the couch all cuddled up beside me when she can sit further away. She invited herself over to sleep over my house twice last week. We slept in the same bed and I gave her plenty of space but she snuggled up right next to me. One night she thought I was sleeping and when I opened my eyes she was just staring at me, and then quickly looked away. I constantly catch her stealing glances at me. She asked me for a massage and asked me to stroke my fingers through her hair when she had a headache. She has done things like randomly start cleaning my house during a party I had, get me food, other really nice things. It's like she's beating me over the head with how perfect she is. She always tells me how happy she is that we're hanging out, she said that she always has a great time with me, and she said "something about you just makes me want to make you happy". Love, perhaps? It all has a really couple-y vibe, and all my friends are convinced that she still likes me and wants me.The problem is, I keep hearing how she's head over heels for her new boyfriend. They say "I love you" after 2 months of dating. It's like I'm his substitute for during the week and then she's all his on the weekends. They can't see eachother at all during the week but she texts him sometimes while hanging out with me and sometimes steps out to talk with him.I never would've put up with any of this but I can't get this girl out of my head. I am seriously in love with her and sometimes think of her as my only chance at true happiness. It sucks that I realized it too late and the positive signs are driving me as crazy as the negative ones. I realize that getting back together will have to be when she wants it and when she is completely comfortable. I honestly don't know what her motives are though. Do I wait it out while keeping my options open, ignoring what I see until it's a sure thing? Or do I tell her that I think she's being unfair, that she must realize she's leading me on and that I'm sick of wondering how she really feels? I would do anything for her, but the situation depresses me and might not be completely fair to me.
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a break, depressed, flirt, friend with benefits, heartbroken, kissing, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Kuroneko  +, writes (3 November 2008):
The funny thing is I chanced upon this while looking for something about my own problem...
I do not have "another boyfriend". However, it seems I am very much the girl who is sending mixed messages while saying I don't want to pursue a relationship and shouldn't with him. And I'm hurting him and I'm hating me for hurting him.
He's told me, though. I want this to work out. I believe that you should tell her, even if it's hard...what's love without difficulties? And that sounds so flippant, but it's true. It ISN'T fair to you and honestly, you should not have to be put through this. I know there's also the issue about her being comfortable with getting back together - I relate to that - but meanwhile she should not be acting as if she does when she doesn't want to. If she loves you, even as only a friend, she should understand when you approach her with this issue.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): Well, sir, I think she's being cruel to you. To signify to you that she's interested while remaining at least partially devoted to this other guy is selfish and deceptive. Your depression is an issue, certainly. I can concur with you (from personal experience) that it is selfish and immature, however I also believe that it serves no purpose towards excusing her current behavior. She is disrespecting you, and if you have any self-respect, you need to do something about it. Recently, I was in a relationship with a girl who (like the one in your story) was sending extremely mixed signals. Her boyfriend continued to be a factor between us, which fueled the depression I experience, and I became exceedingly irate. We too had a pretty nasty fight, and she went right off me. It became apparent (although it took me considerable time to see) that she was not committed enough to our relationship to stick around despite the normal pitfalls a couple experiences. The lack of commitment the woman in your story exhibits indicates that she is not willing to provide for you what you require in a relationship. Unless I have completely misread the situation as you portray it in your post, SHE is the one who sees YOU as a 'friend with benefits', and not vice versa. There is no longer true love, merely the waning interest of a confused individual (her).I know how you feel, though. The girl in my anecdote continues to jump around in my mind, although I have not seen her for some time now, and I still become depressed by her absence. I tell you, it's tough, man, but the more you deliberate, procrastinate, and stagnate over what you must see is an unhealthy relationship, the worse you will feel after the inevitabe occurs. Inform her (and yourself, while you're at it,) that you "never would've put up with any of this" normally, and that if she is interested in a healthy, loving relationship with you, she is going to have to show you the respect you deserve as her partner. In the meantime, it would behoove you to begin by showing yourself that respect; lead by example, right? This girl is playing you, despite whatever her motives, pure or no, may be. No matter how depressed and self-loathesome you may become, if anybody is ever going to be "most definately one of those to help you through" (as Jen86 would assert), it's going to be someone who loves AND respects you the way you need.I really feel for you. Your post strikes remarkably close to home for me, and I really hope that my perspective can help you. I fear I may be too close to the issue to see it clearly or entirely, so . . . take it for what it's worth :)Good luck, man. God bless.
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A
male
reader, McNasty +, writes (30 August 2008):
McNasty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for reading my whole convoluted story and helping me out with some sound advice.
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A
female
reader, Tai stik  +, writes (17 August 2008):
I will start by saying take her back she loves u as much as u love her dont throw it away. My boyfriends ruining our relationship because i have depression due to being raped he wants to only see it his way. He tells me shut up and get over it and constantly pinches me or punches me
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