A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with this man for a year. In the beginning of our relationship he told me that he is separated and he said to me that he is divorcing her...She is living abroad and they have a child together.I did not believe him and always insist that we should be friends until his divorce is finished and he show me his divorce paper.He was really upset and insisted that we should continue our relationship as he really loves me and wanted to marry me as soon as the divorce is final.He even forwarded me the letter from his divorce lawyer about this ongoing divorce.He even introduced me to his friend and parents (Please note, I got on well with his dad but his mom refused to meet with me at all!?)Lately, I accidentally came across his wife's blog while I was looking for a holiday in Phuket.She said they had been there on the honeymoon and they are planning to go on another holiday next year.I confronted him and he said it was all lie as she doesn't want to divorce him.I am really upset and do not know what to believe. How can I find out? What can I do?Thank you.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (26 March 2008):
 I think that if he's introducing you as his girlfriend now, that's a big sign he wants to be with you. If he was carrying on still with his wife, he'd be trying to keep you quiet - you'd be a secret. And you aren't.
You've got only his word against hers that the holiday idea is or isn't true, and if she doesn't want to get divorced, that would also be making the divorce more difficult and more drawn out.
There ARE men who lie about their marriages in order to have their cake and eat it, but for some reason I don't think he is one. It's the fact that he is happy - even keen - to acknowledge you publicly. Guys don't do that if they're playing around.
I think you should ask a bit more about the divorce - when is it going to come through, etc, and follow it with him - be more involved in it. You'll soon see whether it's really happening or not.
And remember he has a child with this woman - he's probably very torn, because he wants to be with you, but he has to keep on reasonable terms with her because of seeing his child. Never underestimate that. And he can't be really horrible to her, because that would upset the child. Maybe the holiday thing is to do with spending some time with the child, but he doesn't feel he can tell you that, because he thinks you'd be threatened by it. Does his child come to stay with you two? Could you suggest/encourage the child spending more time with you both? That way you start to build up your only little unit of the three of you. That's really important - that shows him a way forward where he can have you and his child (because that's honestly the only way you're ever going to be able to live happily together - there can't be a conflict between him seeing his child and being with you - it won't work).
So I don't say 'ditch him' or give ultimatums about the divorce. I say find out more, because it sounds like there may be more to it, but it's much more likely to be feelings about his child than his wife. He really wouldn't take you to meet his dad if he wasn't serious about you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): You need to back off and see what happens with the marriage if they stay together or divorce.I mean cut the ties and tell him to call you if he gets divorce papers.
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