A
male
age
41-50,
*orcerer
writes:I'm 35 and in a bit of an emotional mess. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend/partner for 10 years and while she seems happy, I'm not. She is 10 years older than I and this has never been a problem (and suits me as I don't want children).We have not had sex now for the best part of three years and for the four years to that, it was fairly infrequent. Prior to that she had a medical issue that made sex painful and I was, as she admits, hugely supported and caring. But the lack of sex has destroyed the relationship to, I think, a point of no return. I feel we're more like roommates, even though I care for her.I have lots of close female friends and always have had but my three relationships have always been started by the other person because I find asking someone out hideously scary. The thought of being out there again on my own if our relationship does end frightens me.I have also, to further complicate things, and probably due to the above, fallen for my female best friend. I have hidden this for some time and can't tell her because I know it would ruin the friendship and I just can't contemplate her not being in my life.So, all these things have combined to give me depression which I am seeing a doctor for. I just don't know what to do to solve the long-term problems. I am afraid of terminating my relationship for fear of living alone for the rest of my life in a tiny rented flat. I know I have friends, but that's not the same. Should I leave? Should I avoid seeing my best friend in the hope these feelings will subside?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LadyOlivia +, writes (31 July 2009):
Hi
Your gut instinct is often the right one, you know the one that keeps showing itself when you have a quiet moment.
I think your relationship with your girlfirend has become like you say "oom mates" and it has been like this for sometime. This is fine if that is what you want, but it doesn't seem to be! Although sex is not everything it is very important if you want it and she doesn't (ever). Plus I think maybe you are frustrated in the relationship itself and other issues are there too. If u explain to her that you love her as a friend and always will but that you would like your freedom back. Then get yourself out there dating.. through on line dating agencies, via friends etc.. Got out on lots of dates (but keeping it light with all of them), to explore what kind of a girl you would like to be with.
If you still feel the same about your other "friend" after a while has passed since breaking up with your partner, then things may well evolve naturally if both you and she are single.
As for being on your own in a flat... well we all have fears of that. Once you consider the fact that we all bear the same risks and that change can be frightening hopefully wont feel so alone and be able to muster the courage to go after what will really make you happy - a loving and fulfilling relationship. One life go for it! I find life is like a vaccum (not cleaner), once you make space for something (someone) ie by removing what was there, then new things come along to fill that space - but while you don't then they don't.
Good luck,
Lady Olivia
A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (31 July 2009):
 to be honest if you cant tell your best friend how you feel then you cant be as good friends as you thought id tell her if i was you, she might generally be understanding or bit shocked but it might not end the friendship.with your current partner you shouldnt be with her if you are not happy have you discussed your issues with her?if not maybe you should however if you dont think that will solve the problem then maybe you should end the relationship and start moving forward with your life and yourl find someone else eventually you gotta look at it from the point of the longer you stay in your relationship the perfect person for you might pass you by.you will not be alone for the rest of your life you will find someone else it might take some time but it will happen eventually.do what your heart tells you to do.you have to make yourself happy and if it isnt with his person then you need to end it and move on good luck
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