A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend, dearly. I pounce on the phone whenever he texts or calls me (we do not live together and live in different cities) and could talk to him all day if I could. I'm alway eager to text him, my parents know about him, etc etc. We've been dating for a year.However, I am scared to commit fully to him. Petrified, actually.I'm not saying that I'm dishonest or interested in someone else- not at all. I only have eyes for him. I'm frightened to commit in the sense that I'm terrified something will go wrong. That he will do something to hurt me. And that it will absolutely crush me because I "invested" so much love and care into him. He just doesn't seem as into our relationship as I am. His parents do not know about me and he refuses to post his relationship status on FB in fear of them finding out. I've told him this has made me feel a little less important but he says his parents are very nosey... But aside from this, he's not done anything wrong, I'm just scared that if he meets someone nicer than I am or more similar to him (culturally we are very different, but there are no clashes...just very different) or closer to him, he is more likely to kick me to the curb, for a lack of better words.So for fear that he COULD hurt me, I'm scared to commit to him. I'm scared to just let everything go, and pour my entire heart to him. I guess I should say, I'm trying to guard my heart.Please give me some advice... life would be so less stressful if I could just give all me to him, but I'm just so scared. He's done nothing wrong but, even in our year together, he's not really done anything to make me feel 100% he would never ever hurt me.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Well, that makes sense to not want to fully commit, as he is not himself fully committed either.
You say culturally you are very different, then how about religiously?
If he AFTER a year with you, haven't told his family about you, then you are a secret. Something he doesn't WANT to share with them or CAN'T share with them. Either because he knows they won't approve OF the relationship or you. OR because they won't ALLOW a relationship between YOU and him. And in the end... who do you think he will SUBMIT to? His family's wishes? Or yours?
If his culture is one where arranged marriages is the norm, well then I can see why he is hiding you. And once they find him a match, he will either want you to be his "side-dish" or drop you like a hot potato.
I understand your fears perfectly.
And I think you need to discuss this with him and go from there.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 You ought to be scared. If his parents are that wierd he ill be too someday(we all become our parent someday or s it seems) I don't recomend youstay in love with him 'dearly'Facebook again rears its ugly head o how not to have a relationship. When someone is scared to post that they have a girlfriend out of fear of what his parents will think. That is plane old terrifying. What are they the Munsters?follow your gut on this one and run.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Yeah, there's something off here. After one year, his parents should know OF you, if not know you in person.
So what if his parents are nosey- most parents are :). They see it like taking an interest in their children 's life ,lol- and to some major or minor extent, that's exactly what it is . I don't see why if a son or daughter is dating a new person, that should be forbidden territory, more than him joining a new gym or getting a new roommate. Anyway, if he feels they are overstepping boundaries, he can always make them back off ( more or less graciously and diplomatically ) -always better and more logical than living a life of mystery and lies when you are an adult son !
Also the fact that he does not post your status on FB " in fear " that they may know. Not that I think FB is an important thing, but, if he is a regular FB user.... " in fear " ?.. really ? Fear of what ? What are they going to do to him, spank him ? Give him a time out ?....
My guess ( but it is just a guess ) is not that he is up to no good ( although , with LDRs, who can really tell ), but just that you may have overlooked and underrated your cultural differences. What seems just minor, and in fact the spice of your relationship, might be a major, inacceptable ,disappointing thing to his parents- like, a difference in ethnicity , or religion, or social class...
something that's no big deal in your eyes, but your bf knows them better and knows it would freak them out.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Actually, your fear is founded. After a year of dating, his parents should know about you by now, so the whole FB relationship status reason would have me on guard. And I say this as a private person.
Here's the thing - if he's actually PRIVATE and guards everything he says on Facebook, then that's a bit more believable, especially if he has fewer friends (i.e. less than 100) and uses FB only occasionally to play games or to update his extended family on superficial matters.
However, if he has a lot of friends, chats extensively on FB chat, posts like it's his personal diary with copious amounts of pictures while "liking" a ton of comments by other people, both close and distant, then we have a disconnect here.
So it's all in the usage. Also, here's another thing to put you at ease. I'd go a bit easier on him if he simply doesn't post a FB status one way or the other. I am married, and most of my friends are married, and my husband is also on FB, so I show a "married" relationship status. However, if I were single or dating, I'd probably remove the relationship status info from my profile altogether. I don't like to share a lot of stuff via FB.
It's different if he doesn't post a relationship status one way or the other. However, if he *HAS* posted a status, and it says "Single", then there's a problem. See what I mean?? One means he doesn't want to be public with that stuff, and the other means he wants to be seen as available.
So can you clarify??
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 You have reasons to guard your heart. If cultural reasons are why your boyfriend would not introduce you to his family, you have a right to know if he would marry you when that time comes, so you can choose accordingly whether to just end it now. You have equal power in this. I don't know why you place him higher than yourself. Just because your partner is the less interested one doesn't mean he's the better person. Also when you don't live together and haven't made plans to be together. I think it's sensible to guard your heart.
I don't think life would be less stressful if you give your all, because you gave reasons why you can't open up and they are valid reasons. Technically he has done nothing wrong like cheating but it would be unkind to date you when he has another set of standards for "wife material." I think you should ask him if he sees himself marrying you, and whether his family will get along with you because he may not be direct about it. Once you know your answer you can then decide what to do. The stress comes from not knowing what he thinks.
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