A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi im in a bit of a pickle, I've been single nearly 3 years, im a single mum,have been on a lot of dates in the past but never really met anyone I click with, altho I did meet someone at one point we dated became an item quickly but I totally ruined it and he dumped me within 2 weeks! The reason, I was so clingy and needy and I got very upset for certain things and il be honest I acted like a nutter I'd have dumped me too! I'm now so scared of getting close to someone in case I act the same way again, also because of past bad relationships I don't want to get hurt again plus I'm now thinking is it all worth it. I'm worried il always feel this way, iv recently turned 33 and I would like to have another child some day but the way I'm going keep pushing ppl away and putting a enormous barrier around myself it will never happen, what is wrong with me? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 You have an irrational fear that needs further investigation by a proffesional. Go see one!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2014): A mature woman in her 30's should realize that there are no guarantees in life. Love and commitment is always a risk. You also have to realize your own faults. If you behaved so immaturely in your past relationships, you contributed to their demise. You must realize someone else got hurt because of you. We all have faults and flaws. We must own our misgivings and mistakes, in order to make-up for them.
It's tough to admit our own contribution to the failure of relationships. A huge number of OP's come for advice stating THEY don't want to get hurt. That would make it look as though there are a lot of innocent victims out there; and all their breakups were one-sided. It's always the other guy's fault. We all know better than that.
It's not enough to confess you have faults. What are you doing to make up for them, or to correct them?
I know I'm far from perfect. However; I had a long-term commitment lasting nearly as long as you've been alive. It took work, but it was wonderful. He passed away from cancer. I had to realize a lot of my own faults, not just his. We couldn't have lasted so long, if I felt he had to do all the work not to hurt me. I had to accept constructive criticism, admit when I was wrong, and own responsibility; when he was hurt as a result of what I said, or did. It isn't all about how he treats me, it's also about how I treated him!!! Rise above your selfishness, two people are risking their feelings and emotions in a romance and relationship.
Everyone pretends they were perfectly well-behaved; and their ex-spouses, friends,ex-girlfriends, and ex-boyfriends did all the damage. Face your own faults and fix them. Being a parent, you also set an example for your kids. You're a built-in role model. That's a huge responsibility.
Look back on all your past relationships and outline all the things that went wrong in the past. Not just his mistakes, but yours as well. Strive not to repeat what YOU did! If you know you have "insecurities" you work to control them. We all have insecurities, or we wouldn't be human. We work to improve ourselves; so our faults don't overshadow our best qualities and most fabulous traits.
Self-improvement builds confidence and character. Then you feel prepared to take risks; because you know the realities and responsibilities you're taking on when you commit to people. You know your value. Your strengths and potential.
Most importantly, your ability to recover when you fall, or you are hurt by others. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." You're still standing no matter what you suffered up to now. Remember that.
You have to be strong from the start in order to withstand and endure the challenges and adversities that relationships bring. Relationships are never perfect and they require a lot of work and effort. They don't fix themselves, nothing is automatic.
Relationships are all manually-controlled and operated.
You know what part you played in prior failed relationships.
Forgive yourself first. You are only human. Your goal is to be calm and mature. To allow nature to take its course and let relationships progress gradually, phase by phase. Open communication, use good judgment when choosing a mate, and be brave enough to stand-up for yourself when you are mistreated. Also listen, when you're told you are causing problems within your relationship. Men are not scapegoats for the weaknesses and flaws in women. Women have brains and souls of their own. Being born a female is not a disability, and does not make you an natural-born victim.
No more girlish clinginess, being needy, nutty behavior, and clowning around in-front of the children; who will take on your worst characteristics if you're not careful. If you have a daughter, she will take on your traits as she matures as a woman. If you have a son, he will think all women are flaky and weak. He will not be sure how to please them. He will not know what type of characteristics to look for in a good woman.
Bet you didn't look at it that way, huh?
I learned a lot of what made my relationship work from my parents and grandparents. Aunts and uncles. Older people who had long and happy marriages. Now I'm offering you some tidbits of information to carry with you, to help you grow.
Trust yourself, and you'll learn to trust others. We learn by our mistakes and grow a thicker skin. We may get scarred in battle, but we also grow courage. You have to be battle-ready and prepared for challenges. Knowing that although you may get hurt, you will survive. We have our weak moments, emotional trauma, and get broken hearts. That is what being an adult means. We survive to tell about it. We don't always lose. We also win. I won, and you will too.
...............................
|
