A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for two and half years now. I love her to pieces and have helped her through some tough times (her dad passing away being one of them). She's 19 and coming to the end of an apprenticeship whereas i'm 22 and run my own business which is growing at a good rate. She has dropped hints over the past couple of months about travelling initially with a friend for two, then she mentioned three now she says she's adamant it will be six. Six months is a very long time and i don't think I will cope that long without her and feel she may find someone else) I have seen friends go through a similar thing and I too have been hurt by a long distance relationship before. My initial thoughts are that it would not last whilst she is away. I'm tearing my hair out thinking that she'll meet someone else or never come back. She wants to leave in six months. I don't want to continue in a relationship that could possibly be a dead end due to this trip. I imagined herself and I being together for a long time, living together, having children, retiring together, but now I can't even think past the day she goes to the airport. I have an image of her in my head coming back and telling me that shes met someone else. At the same time I don't want to stop her but I know it could hurt me a lot. I may be being selfish however her decision feels even more selfish to me right now. I don't want to leave her now but I also don't want to get hurt.Any advice would be greatly appreciatedThank you
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015): Insecurity?Insecurity is pushing you to abandon this? Then do it.Then deal with your insecurities.The age gap between you two is not that huge (only 3 years) and for a 22yr old you've got a lot going on (some people haven't even finished uni yet!) But not you.You have your own business, it's growing, you want the "white picket fence" dream.Home, children, retiring together. She might too,but waaaayyyyy down the line.She wants to explore first.So in essence, you two do want the same things, but want them at a different time.My advice is split in two parts:a) If you truly loved her YOU wouldn't be able to contemplate a future without her. BREAKING up with her to spare yourself pain is not only selfish, it shows that to you "love" is disposable, she is in a way a "support actress" in your movie.b)She can't break up with you. She possibly still loves you even for all the good things you've done, all the shared history etc.At the same time, she wants to break free. You might offer her the "golden cage"-perfect,comfortable lifestyle, wedding, children. BUT a cage is a cage. Even if it is made of gold.At the moment, she wants to experience the world whilst she is young and unencumbered. She might leave you, she might not. I don't know. BUT YOU, sir, you want to LEAVE her just because she MIGHT leave you?So in a way to have the "upper hand"? Please leave the poor girl as you've already planned anyway. At least that way she has a chance of finding someone who truly loves her and you have the chance to find out the meaning of the word "love".
A
female
reader, Help from Lisa +, writes (21 June 2015):
 if you really are worried, then you need to tell her that you're uncomfortable with the idea of her being gone for so long.
I can see why she wants to go, her being 19 and all that but I don't understand why she has to go for so long.
What I suggest you don't do is make her feel guilty about going or mention the fact that its because you're worried she will find someone else or leave you, because that may push her away and make her want to go just to get away. Just simply tell her what you think of the situation next time she mentions it, maybe ask if it was possible she didn't go for so long.
I hope this helps you with your situation, and try not to over think about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2015): LDR can and has been done successfully.
I don't know many couples that have done it successfully. But I do know three that have done it and are still together.
I myself did it for 2 years. Seeing each other every few months. We are now happily married and living together.
You need trust and committment.
Ofcourse trust and committment only get you so far. You also need to be on the same page but your goals in life. At 19, she still has a lot of growing to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2015): I've just moved home for good after what began as a gap year turned into 3 years of working around the world. I saw relationships disintegrate in that time, and so I really wouldn't recommend for anyone to go away for longer than a couple of months if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend at home.One of the best friends I made abroad was a girl aged 23 who had a boyfriend. They had been together 5 years. They were planning to move in together when she got back. He insisted she Skype him every evening, as he was worried she'd forget about him. She was constantly stressed out, trying to enjoy her time away and reassure him all the time. But she wanted to stay longer; her planned 4 months turned into 6, and now she's been over there for at least 9. They have broken up.He was desperate for her to come home, but she is happier than she has been in years. She's finding out more about herself and seeing where her talents are. She has a whole new plan for her future, without her boyfriend in it. It's a little sad, but I've witnessed it 3 or 4 times. It's just the way it happens.Your girlfriend is even younger, and she will no doubt do a lot of self-discovery on her trip. She may come back completely changed. She may not want the same things as you any more. If she decided to extend her trip even further once she's left, you would be holding her back. Having commitments at home could leave her torn, and make everything unnecessarily stressful for her. I really don't think she needs that. I'm afraid it might be better to end things now and find someone who is ready to settle down.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 June 2015):
 You can't PREVENT hurt feelings in life. Breaking up now is NOT going to prevent you from feeling hurt. Or her.
6 months is a good while but YOU can make it work IF you really want to. After all think of ALL the people who has to travel for work, deploy for war-zones etc.
If you LOVE someone YOU make it work. OK she CAN met someone while travelling, she WILL meet MANY people, doesn't mean she doesn't know what she has at home is what she wants.
And you can't STOP her from travelling either.
I spend a lot of time travelling in my late teen/twenties but never got to be gone for 6 months in one go, that would have been awesome. I have made acquaintances from Australia, Canada, Indonesia, and all over Europe. NONE that I actually dated or slept with.
Either you BOTH want to make it work or you don't. So talk to her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2015): I think she is trying to break-up with you in a roundabout way. She is only 19, and someone that age can't hold on to someone older with such intense feelings. She has her life ahead of her; and much maturing and growing to do. You're talking marriage and children. She wants to travel, concentrate on her career, and discover herself. Not if you're going to make all the plans for her.
In a nutshell, you're too intense.
She is offering you an option of moving-on; but it is difficult for someone barely out of adolescence to explain to someone older that they aren't on the same page in a relationship. She, in her awkward way, is trying to deal with your feelings. But she has a calling, and you're in the way. You've got a business, and your dream is in progress. Her's has yet to get off the ground.
Man-up and let go. Even if everything I've suggested is off the mark. One thing that is on target, is that if she felt as strongly for you, as you do for her; she couldn't bear being away from you for that long. The time grew from just two, to six months. To me, that is an indication that she is reprogramming your mindset to accept her absence. She seems pretty set on doing it.
If it distresses you she will find someone else in that time-frame, you are most certainly correct. She should. She's too young and inexperienced to be considering marriage, and all the things you have in-mind. She deserves to pursue her dreams, discover the world, grow her independence, and become a strong and independent woman.
Even if that's not the plan, you're not being factored into her future in six-months. You're clinging on tight, and she has to figure-out how to slip from your grasp. This is it.
You'd be better off finding someone mature, somewhat experienced, already educated and settled; and ready for marriage. You yourself need a little more time to work on your budding business. Here's a golden opportunity. If it is meant to be, she may return someday. Ready and willing to be a part of your plans and your future. I wouldn't set my life on-hold waiting, if I were you. All that is a big MAYBE!
...............................
A
female
reader, Jayne wayne  +, writes (21 June 2015):
In my opinion i think this girl is not that into you as before...bcoz six months is a hell long time. She probably wants to move on without you in a polite way because if she loved you that much or cared for you that much she would consider your feelings and wouldn't stay away from you for such a long time.
It also might be that she needs some space but she's afraid to tell you.
But dont put that against her head...try to talk it out with her and let her know how you feel about her travelling for such a long time and listen to what she has to say about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2015): You won't realise this right now, but you are both very young and haven't had much experience of the wide world. Granted she has lost a loved one which is an experience that would changed her forever, but you need to let her go, the life experience will be good for her. When she comes back and you rekindle what you have, her experiences will make your relationship 10x better. If the flame dies it wasn't meant to be.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 June 2015):
 Travelling for six months? Where's she going to get the money from? 6 months is a hell of a long time!
Anyway, OP there is no right or wrong answer here. If you trust her, then there is really nothing you can do about it except to let her go and hope that your relationship sustains, which I admit seems a little unlikely. Otherwise, just break up now, although again there are no valid reasons to do so, apart from the time-frame and the distance factor.
Look, the thing is that I understand if someone would be away for work...but travelling just for fun for 6 months without you....I don't know...I don't think I could deal with it either if my partner sprung it on me.
...............................
|
