A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunties and unclesAbout a month ago I met a man who is 60, has been separated for 2 years and is currently going through a divorce. I am 55 and divorced. We have gone out together twice and each time have had a really wonderful fun time. He likes me, finds me attractive and enjoys my company - he has told me this and it is obvious by his actions that this is true. I also like him - he's kind and funny and a real gentleman. We haven't yet kissed, just hugged hello and goodbye. He has been very honest with me and told that about 8 months ago he met a lady who was the first woman he's had any friendship with since the end of his marriage. He developed feelings for this lady and asked her for a relationship, but she said no as she just wanted them to be friends. They have continued to see each other frequently and apparently she is very needy and he helps her a lot (he didn't specify how). But he has told me that he still has feelings for her and he feels jealous when she sees her other male friends. I know that he likes me and we have arranged to meet up again in a couple of weeks.So my questions are:Do you think it is worth me continuing to see him in the hope that his feelings for her will fade as they grow towards me?Do you think that he has feelings for her because she was the first woman he had any friendship with after the end of his long marriage?In short, do you think I have any chance of winning this lovely man?Thank you all so much in advance.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 June 2015):
 Just tell him you have thought about it and think you two are better off as platonic friend. NO need to elaborate or even MENTION the other woman.
Then stick to being that, JUST friends. Having company is nice. Good company, even better. But DON'T let it hold you back if you DO find a man, who IS available and interested in ONLY you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015): Hello everyone, the OP here.Thank you all for your responses which I have taken on board.I am using my own experience of being separated when considering this man's separation. My husband and I were separated for 4 years until we got round to divorcing, but both us of knew it was over as soon as we separated. I believe that this man thought that his marriage was over at the point he and his wife separated.He met the other lady one year and 4 months after separating from his wife. During that time he was living alone and began to see himself as single, in much the same way as I did during those 4 years. That aside, it is the other lady that I am concerned about. You are all correct that, if she crooked her finger the chances are that he would go running to her. He knows at the moment that she doesn't want him and I have a sneaking suspicion that he is trying to meet someone else to help him get over her. But that comes with danger... If I did get involved with him, she may suddenly become very "dog in the manger" and realise that she's losing him and all his attention and decide that she wants what she said she didn't want previously. Could get messy.I would like to continue to be his friend, but am not sure that this is sensible as I really don't want to risk getting hurt.Oh, so confused. And so frustrated! I have been on my own for 8 years and have had plenty of offers, all of which I have declined for one reason or another. This man is the first one I have felt an attraction to in all these years... and he likes another lady!!!So, following your good advice, I may have to tell him that any relationship is a non-starter while he's still yearning for another lady. But how do I tell him without coming across as a jealous bunny boiler?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 June 2015):
 I would not continue in the hopes he will change.
a. he's still legally married. In many states his wife can name anyone he dates in her divorce as a respondent. You don't want that.
b. he really wants the other woman who "friend-zoned" him so that if she changed her mind you would be in the dust.
you are "ms you will do for now"
no one wants that.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 June 2015):
 Here's my "take" on your questions:
"Do you think it is worth me continuing to see him in the hope that his feelings for her will fade as they grow towards me?"
Nope. Never undertake a "relationship" which is contingent on the OTHER person changing.... no matter how small or insignificant it might seem...
"Do you think that he has feelings for her because she was the first woman he had any friendship with after the end of his long marriage?"
He DIDN'T do this "after the end of his long marriage." He took up with her BEFORE his marriage was "over." Sez a lot (and none of it good) about his character.
In short, do you think I have any chance of winning this lovely man?
I don't know why you'd bother (to try to "win" this guy).
Good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015): He hasn't legally ended his marriage, if he is still in the process of a divorce. So legally and technically, he is still a married-man. He is considered married, until his divorce is final.
Now about the other woman he has feelings for. He is using you to keep him company, and his charm is typical of a player. He is lining up women, and using them to fill his days and nights until his divorce is final. At which time, he will dump all the women in his life at that present time; and pursue his life as a bachelor and a player. Lovely he may seem; but must cunning he is, to say the least.
Single, mature, lonely women are easy prey. They are often starved for company and attention. Longing for romance, and concerned about how long their attractiveness will last. Some take very unhealthy risks, and settle for men who take advantage of their trust and loneliness. If you have to compete for a man with another woman, he isn't yours to be had. If he was yours to be had, there would be no wife or that other woman in the picture.
Don't let loneliness or desperation override your common-sense. He's unavailable, and his charm is most likely cleverness and deceit. In simpler terms, he's a player.
Continue going out, if you like his company; but don't attach your feelings to a man who tells you he has feelings for another woman. You have lived long enough and been through enough to know better than that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2015):
I would walk away. He might be a nice guy, but he is WANTING someone else, not you. YOU are the "spare" entertainment.
LET me ask you this, WHAT do you think would happen if she changed HER mind? And she wanted to date him after all?
I'll tell you...
HE would drop you in a heartbeat.
And.. he is STILL only separated, so legally... not single.
Move on and find someone who WANTS you for YOU, not because they can't get someone else...
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A
female
reader, Help from Lisa +, writes (21 June 2015):
 From what I can tell, it is worth seeing this man again, if you are truly worried about this women, then think about it like this. He is obviously an honest man because he at least told you about this other women, and yes if he helps her, that may worry some people,but in my view that shows he is a kind man who is willing to help people who are in need. I would continue to see him, see how it goes, and don't worry so much about his past, because that is where it needs to stay.I really hope this helps you and good luck with this man.
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