A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Background: Approaching 30, been together 1.5 years, known each other for years before that. Generally great relationship, we share a lot of interest and have a similar sense of humour and have a great sex life.Issue: he has never brought up wanting or seeing a future with me except when we fight (which is very rarely), and when I mentioned wanting to be with him for many years to come he seemed super nervous and turned it into a joke. When I asked him about it he said that he was just in a joking mood right then, and apologized for hurting my feelings. I confessed that I was scared that he was just with me until someone better came along and he assured me that he wasn't. I let it go but I've feeling very uneasy in our relationship since then.A month later or so I mentioned that in another year or so I might want to start thinking about andalooking into us moving in together. He said that he didn't want that and that he wanted his own space and was too lazy to move out of his current apartment. Maybe he'd consider it if we're still together in five years. I validated his concerns and accepted his point of view in the discussion, and I honestly mentally started preparing for a break up at this point. Then a few weeks later he mentioned that he might want to move in together when our current work contracts are up in 6 months. I asked what had made him change his mind and he said he was just focusing on the negatives last time.I'm super confused about what he wants, I'm afraid that he just brought up moving in together to appease me. In my previous relationships the guys I've been with have brought to moving in together and mentioned marriage within a few months and all but one proposed to me after less than a year. I'm scared that I'm just wasting my time with this guy. Help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2020): Seriously, it doesn't matter how soon or later you talk about marriage and the future! What matters is if you mean it, and if you are prepared for it. You can talk pie in the sky about the future all you like. Provided you can make it over the hurdles and overcome any setbacks tomorrow brings!!!
A healthy-relationship needs maturity, mutual-devotion, compromise, true-love; and people have to be truly committed.
Guys these days want perpetual-girlfriends who act like wives. Moving-in together is the thing; but when you get the milk, why buy the cow?
Buying homes together, co-signing on debt and mortgage loans, and having kids?!! If you can do all that, why not marry her? Why not show her how much you really lover her, and how truly devoted you are? No, they want to be able to drop everything and bailout without any legal ramifications; and no binding-contract to hold them to vows, or under any moral-restrictions. Baby-men!!!
If you want to know, ask him one more time with true conviction! Make it abundantly clear that you're not kidding around! Have a Plan B no matter what he promises you! Always know what you're going to do, no matter what your partner claims or promises they will do.
That goes for both men and women!
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 February 2020):
 I have been with my GF now for just over 2 years. I’d say roughly after the first year we started discussing what we wanted in future and after about 1.5 years we started saving for a house together. Sometimes silence speaks volumes, you need to get to the bottom of this ASAP!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (7 February 2020):
 Then I guess its time to really take control, not only of the conversation but your future. He may not be able to be straight with you but thats not stopping you from being that with him. Be direct and if its a timeline you are willing to set with him, draw that line in the sand and if he cant commit to by that time you need to let him know that is the end of the relationship and stick to it. If you keep moving the goal post in hope, how many times and for how long before you miss out on other things you may long for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionClarification:
He was talking about moving in together when we both get new jobs, not when we're unemployed.
And I have tried to talk to him, but he's hasn't given me any sort of specific answer about what he wants from our relationship and seemed really nervous during the conversation.
Thanks for all the answers so far, I appreciate it!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (7 February 2020):
Just about how long are you prepared to wait? Have this conversation with yourself first, make a list of milestone goals and then present them to him for further conversation. Set some personal deal breakers and stick to them. At the end of the day your end of the relationship future is in control of your hands. You either put up with it or you move on. Good luck
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 February 2020):
 I have to agree with N91
You SIT down and have an ADULT conversation. DEFINITELY do NOT move in together "just because" you have dated xx amount of months.
You WANT to make sure you and HE are on the same page in the same book, so to speak.
I think someone who says MAYBE in 5 years and then back-peddles need to explain why. Because there IS a huge difference in 5 years from now or 6 months from now. So I can see why you are feeling a bit unsure on where he HONESTLY stand.
When you HAVE this talk, BE darn SURE you aren't emotionally and that you don't pull a "if we aren't living together by so and so WE are done!" dramatic ultimatum either.
Figure out where he is at. What HIS time line is. Is that then meshing with your own? Do YOU feel he could be a life long partner? And maybe renting OUT either his or your place for 6-8 months while you try this living together thing is not a bad idea. I have to say I thought I knew my husband pretty well UNTIL we moved in together. It IS very different dating and then living together.
Be open to listening to his views and reasons (you don't HAVE to agree with them but it will give you an idea of whether you two can potentially make this work LONG TERM.
Do you want kids? Does he?
Where do you see the two of you living?
Do you believe in marriage?
How about careers? Travel? Family? Do you know his family? Does he know yours? Etc. Etc.
I get why he made it a joke. He didn't know what to answer at the time. It WASN'T something he had thought about. Which should tell you.... that he didn't really "plan" ahead. That might be a part of his personality, it might be that he is a cautious guy, or that he just NEVER thought about... "the future" at least not to far ahead.
I hadn't when I met my husband. (we've been married 21 year going on 22) He had. Yet, we made it work.
Talk. Go somewhere neutral. No drama. Just talk.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 February 2020):
You need a serious sit down talk. If you want to find out where this situation is going you ask and the conversation doesn’t end until you get an answer.
If he is laughing and joking tell him now is not the time and he spells out for you what he wants for this arrangement. If it doesn’t match your ideas then you part ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2020): Uhm...when your work contracts are up in six months, how does he intend to cover his share of the bills and living-expenses? What happens when unemployment compensation and savings run-out? Nobody will have an income!
Will you be barging-in on either of your parents to intrude on them, until you find work and your own place(s)? It's becoming common-practice to be an adult, and moving back home with your parents these days. Bad enough to do so alone, but bringing along your boyfriend or girlfriend? Takes a lot of nerve! Maybe that won't be the case, so you must have a plan?
You'll be looking for jobs! I think the prospect of being homeless might have changed his mind about moving-in together! Is his rent current?
Seems the previous guys were actually the ones who weren't being honest with you. All fired-up about marriage? How utterly rare for menfolk! They rushed right into moving in together! But alas, they're all history! Did you move-in with them, or did they move-in with you? Did you find a place together?
I ask, because it matters!
So...what happened?
Why would someone propose in less than a year? Apparently he didn't marry you after-all!
Are you just looking for a marriage proposal, or do you actually love the guy?
You've laid-out for us why things are so great; but why do you think he's not on the same-page about moving-in and marriage?
Just because you knew each other a long-time doesn't count as "time served." Only the time you've been romantically a couple; and how well that relationship is evolving and maturing sets the foundation. Not just based retroactively in time, but according to substance; and mutual-feelings regarding the course and progress within your relationship! His mind is not on the same-page, and that's where it matters. Now it seems, convenience and practicality has given him a sudden change of heart. WARNING!!!
If you've been pouting and acting-out, what choice did he have but to concede? It's better to keep the peace!
He isn't ready for marriage. You can breakup if you'd like to; but seems you're in a hurry. Just getting along and/or having things in-common is your only prerequisite? How about allowing the relationship to mature and become more established? You certainly have a right to set your own timeline, and judge according to your own criteria. If two people don't have the same mindset at the same-time, and you have to coax and push the other to budge. He's not ready!
My opinion is, his setting a five-year "test-period" pretty much sums it up! It didn't become a joke until he pissed you off!
Men are rarely in a big hurry to get married. I'm speaking in general terms of course; but anybody who rushes into marriage usually ends it just as quickly.
Maybe you are wasting your time, but it's a 50/50 chance you're too much in a hurry. Marriage is a huge step, it's not something done on an impulse, or too much in a rush.
You can take it upon yourself to propose to him, if you like. Most men prefer to do it when they are ready, and in their own time. I'm just saying!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (6 February 2020):
You need to have a serious conversation with him. Don’t let him deflect and don’t let him joke his way out of having an important discussion about your future together.
It sounds like he doesn’t see a future with you and is delaying. You may need to give him an ultimatum. But remember if you give him an ultimatum you have to be willing to follow thru.
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