A
female
age
30-35,
*3chelciemarie
writes:Hi guys!Background: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now. I’m 27 he’s 28. We’ve talked about potentially moving in together when my lease is up in May.This is the first relationship I’ve been in that is relatively healthy, and I’ve very much enjoyed that. I feel genuinely happy in it.Until most recently. Another background note is I suffer form anxiety. I take a small dose medication for it. I don’t have a current therapist, but that’s something I working to figure out (health insurance in the US) A big reason I’ve enjoyed my relationship so far is the lack of anxiety I felt in it . I of course had my anxiety still, but it was about other things in my life. In the past I used to have sole anxiety towards my relationship (mostly because it was not a good relationship). I’m not sure what happened recently but during a small argument something clicked and I suddenly felt more anxious and insecure about this relationship. My partner knows about my anxiety and has helped me through it many times. But this was the first time I felt it about us . I just felt convinced my anxiety would ruin our relationship and that he would think I was too much to handle. When I tried to explain this to him and get reassurance it seemed to just annoy him more, he said he felt like he was repeating himself over and over. And that no matter what he is never against me in our arguments and he would tell me if he was bothered by my anxiety. But because he seemed annoyed I would ask are you sure and I feel like he would kind of take that personally (saying you should know me. He also said communication is very important to him and he would communicate with me if he felt frustrated or annoyed with my anxiety) I told him that I agree and my anxiety is not about him, I know he is a good communicator and cares, I just need a little extra reassurance sometimes. He was trying his best to be patient but most of the time he wasn’t really talking and saying he didn’t know what to say. He also said he was tired and that it’s fine. I guess I’m just having a hard time communicating what I need. Because he seems to just be confused and says he doesn’t really know what to say or do. In the past he knows how to calm me down, but that’s because my anxiety is about external things. This time it’s about us, and I understand and see how he can take it personal. I feel like he’s kind of dismissing my anxiety. I tell him this but he just gets annoyed. He’s trying not to be. But when he gets a tad annoyed it makes it worse. Does anyone have experience with this? I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want my problems to ruin our relationship. I know it will take work within myself, I don’t expect my partner to take on that burden. But at the same time I do feel I need a little more support or reassurance, and I’m having a hard time communicating that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2020): I'm sorry to hear that you suffer from anxiety.I have had a few episodes of anxiety and one of them lasted for 4 years - the time I spent in high-school that was very much like a Nazi camp. At the time I had no idea that it was anxiety and that something should be done. My parents were also clueless,although they tried to help. Most people thought I was just too sensitive, too weak... I couldn't sleep. I had stress headaches and I threw up. Almost ever day.Other episodes were either related to educational environments (university, PhD studies...) or to public speaking. Oh, I almost forgot, learning how to drive, job interviews, going to parties that require a certain dress-code...So I had my triggers and I had to learn how to deal with them. Having a supportive environment helps, BUT they cannot solve your problems. I have made the biggest step when I started going to therapy - cognitive behavioral. It helps you learn how to recognize your triggers and slowly get used to them, so that they have no power over you. Fore example, I was stressed at a very thought that I had to stand up for myself at work. So we worked out why I thought I was undeserving (the work was too easy for me, way bellow my degree and I felt I wasn't working hard enough because it came too easy) and how to break that false idea (realizing that it is not my fault I was "too smart" for my job and that I deserve a better salary). Then we worked on how I should present my case to my bosses. You see, the first step is realizing why you are anxious and then why you shouldn't be, BUT, unless you learn the tools to deal with the stress of the situation that triggers you anxiety, it won't go away. In this case, I needed to learn how to ask for what I wanted and stand my ground, but I knew that I had a solid base for it. The stress of the situation is still there, but it is manageable. And the more you expose yourself to a stressful situation with proper tools, the less frightening it becomes.There's also another technique - expose yourself to triggers in situations that have no real stakes for you. Here's what I did. For some reason, I never wanted to wear short skirts or dresses to parties and family gatherings. I thought my legs were ugly. I started doing yoga and was lucky to be surrounded by people who cared about how they felt and not how they looked. So I started wearing dresses when I went out and about when I was not going to meet anybody I knew or anybody whose opinion stressed me. Little by little I got used to wearing them. I got used to my body. I accepted it.That is my experience as an anxiety sufferer. If you cannot afford therapy yet, there are some good books, internet forums, maybe even some support groups where you live.I have gained a more extensive experience as a carer of someone suffering from sever anxiety (including social and general anxiety) and depression - my husband. Until he started doing something about it (and I'm not taking about just taking meds, it helps but it's a patch), it's was a never-ending hole. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Unless you take care of yourself and your needs, you will burden him, because he will take it on himself. The same goes for him. Unless he takes care of himself he will burden you.The problem is, the person who has an issue is more demanding until she or he does not learn how to deal with it.High-maintenance people look for carers and (compulsive) carers look for someone to take care of - the high-maintenance people, who can be addicts, people who suffer from depression/anxiety/ADHD/PTSD... anything really. And since they have compatible personalities they can be in a relationship. But not a healthy one since it is codependance.(a side-note: just because you suffer from anxiety does not mean that you yourself cannot take on the role of a carer)You say that you felt insecure after a small argument and your need to be reassured over and over again. Are you afraid of abandonment?Your relationship is still new but the honeymoon period is almost over and not seeing eye to eye is normal. But for some people it triggers abandonment fears. Some people have these fears and they should learn how to deal with them, others need a more complex approach since they suffer from personality disorders (borderline).The problem is that their very fear is making them act in the way that would lead to the realization of that fear. But it can be stopped! It is possible to learn how to live and deal with it.Once you pinpoint your problem (and I know that putting labels for some is off-putting) you can find the most appropriate solutions.I would recommend reading on subjects of the fears that you have. It will give you more insight into the problem yourself and solutions. Hopefully at some point you will be able to afford therapy.In the meantime, realize that your bf is there because he wants to be there with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2020): The average person doesn't understand anxiety-disorder; and those who do, learn through experience that a person suffering this mental-health disorder can make a romantic-relationship very difficult. Not everyone has nerves of steel, or the patience of Job. (Job is a Biblical figure, who went through hell on earth; but held up under his faith in God.)
You need professional-treatment through therapy; and most health-insurance plans include access to mental-health services. It's whether you chose to use them or not. We are required to have health insurance in the US, and the Affordable Healthcare Act will offer financial-assistance for those who cannot afford healthcare insurance. Have you ever applied for this assistance? It's best you try, before the unscrupulous and corrupt powers that be in our government destroy what little help is available. God save this country!
Your boyfriend is not capable of endless patience, and nor are you. Just as you need reassurance, he needs to know that all that he does to prove himself to you matters. He is justified to become angry and impatient; when it seems he can't reassure you enough.
How much reassurance is ever enough? If you read your own post, you've actually indicated how great he is. If you're aware of that, then ponder and hold-on to that. He does not have to keep feeding you with reassurance like you're a child. Anxiety-disorder is part of the problem; but there is also natural insecurity that we all have that requires us to exercise maturity and good-judgement. Perhaps your ability to use judgement is somewhat impaired by your anxiety; but you feel you want and need to have a romantic-relationship. You should be cognizant that requires some measure of composure and self-confidence. It's not all piled-up on top of him!
What kind of relationship do you think you have where he's constantly trying to prove how much he loves you? You're an adult. You also know sometimes relationships work, and sometimes they don't. Then you have to realize it's not always his fault when things go wrong; and he also wants to feel happy being together. It's not all about YOU!
If you're too unhealthy to handle a relationship; then it's better to let-go of it, until you're healthy enough to deal with the stress and strain. It's not all on him to make you feel secure. You have to make him feel secure in knowing you've got his back; and his love is being returned in equal-supply. He has feelings too! He has no responsibility to correct the mistakes of guys who hurt you; or left you before he came along.
My dear, we get a lot of posts from people suffering from various mental-health disorders. Everybody needs love, and wants to be in a loving relationship. First, they have to get their mental-health disorders under treatment and control. If they don't have a reliable therapist, and they don't follow a prescribed system of treatment; they don't have the capacity to deal with the complexities and complications that come with dealing with another personality within a romantic-relationship. Relationships aren't always lovey-dovey, they hit snags! Both individuals in the partnership have their role and responsibility to make the relationship work; in order to maintain harmony, even through disagreement and the rough-spots.
Then there is the matter of self-control and maturity. If you have neither of these, relationships will never work.
If the center of the relationship is your anxiety, don't expect anyone to walk on eggshells and constantly pander to your insecurities and trust-issues. It becomes burdensome. That's all the relationships becomes. The trials and tribulations of your anxiety-disorder.
If you can't handle your anxiety, you cannot handle a relationship either. It's as simple as that. You first have to take care of yourself; before introducing other people into your life. They will bring their own faults, flaws, quirks, and weaknesses with them. Everyone has anxieties, everyone feels insecure; but for some, it is an illness. That's because they don't have the built-in inhibitors that allow them to self-check and calm themselves under pressure. You look to your relationship for love, comfort, affection, and support. You do not use your romantic-partner as a therapist or a pain-killer. That's too much of a responsibility, and the weight will become far too heavy for them to carry.
If you have a health insurance policy, you have to contact their customer service department to explain what your healthcare policy offers for your mental health. It's there; but you may not know what to do, or how to use it. As of 2014, all healthcare plans are required to cover mental health and substance use disorders.
Many people avoid going to therapists; because they don't want to be challenged through therapy sessions requiring them to talk about themselves. They feel judged and scrutinized by the therapist; or are too lazy to follow-through with home-assignments and exercises that their therapy programs impose on them. They just want a magic pill, or not be asked to do anything that requires any effort on their part. If that applies to you, you'll place your relationship in jeopardy; until you seek the help you need. That won't come from your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 February 2020):
 Definitely go back and see your doctor, it might be your dosage that needs changed, or switch in brand/type.
I know that working out the financial side with therapy can be complicated in the US for some, so YOU need to look back at your previous session and work on what you learned in therapy, on your OWN until you can afford or get therapy again. Relying on your BF to DO that for you... is not really realistic in the long run.
Or, like Auntie Cindy suggests, read BOOK on how to work though dealing with anxiety, try yoga (works really well for OCD), breathing exercises, "normal" exercise (like, swimming - at the YMCA for instance is cheap and GOOD for the body and brain), and consider what you eat.
Your BF is NOT your therapist. NOR is he the one who NEEDS to work on YOUR anxiety. While it is NOT a deal breaker now, at some point it MIGHT be.
No matter WHAT your BF tells you, YOU are creating your OWN "truth" of what YOU think HE is thinking or feeling. Your anxiety is pushing your buttons, and HE can not fix that with platitudes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2020):
 You don't necessarily have to express your "needs " ( or perhaps, wants ? ). I am afraid this would be a typical case of self -fulfilling prophecy. You push and push with your need for reassurance and your fear of abandonment… that after a while you create distance and resentment,- and you end up being abandoned.
Your bf , I think, is already showing patience, support and compassion in a way that's more than adequate for what is your relationship, which, lo and behold, is just a rather recent dating situation. You are not married, not committed, not even living together yet, - considering the circumstances, he is being a good guy and doing his best to be with you in a way that takes into account your problems and weaknesses. He is being protective and considerate.
That's enough. he is not your shrink, not your social worker, not your dad ( and you are not a young child anymore ). He IS reassuring you when you need it- the problem is, obviously that you don't believe him , so you want MORE reassurance, and… it would never stop: not necessarily you would believe him just because he repeats his reassuring words; and you'd ask for some more , and more and more…. until the poor guy is depleted of energies and NEEDS to cut you loose for his own good.
He ALREADY told you , basically, that no, your anxiety is not a deal breaker , that he takes you the way you are,anxiety included. Now, if you start pestering him and tormenting him to make him repeat this simple concept one hundred times- THEN it won't be true anymore, because your anxiety WILL become a deal breaker: even the most loving boyfriend is only human and will get fed up of having to say the same thing one hundred times , to no avail.
Your anxiety is within you, is an interior cause of your distress you ; you won't fix it trying to own / control all what's exterior, including your bf and his words and actions.
You need to work on yourself, the best you can in the current circumstances which do not allow you being in therapy. You will have to come up with your own solution in the meantime ( before you can be see regularly a therapist.
Try yoga, or mindulness meditation, or Reiki. A lot of physical exercise, and a change in diet too, can help in managing anxiety. Or , if you are religious, pray,- talk to your priest or minister or imam. Peruse some self help books about anxiety , ( some are excellent, not everything is all New Age fluff ). The main thing, IMO, would be keeping yourself very busy ( possibly with socially / culturally useful ) activities so you have less time,, or no time, to indulge in navel-gazing about your anxiety. In short, explore options, ask around, find your own way to get a grip and handle your feelings- outside of having to have your bf breast- feed you
" reassurance " as if you were a hungry newborn who has no other resources than mom's breast to grow and thrive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2020): Non specific anxiety is a medical disorder and it isn't fair to expect anyone to help you other than medical personnel.
You don't go to the bus driver when you need a tumor removed!
You have anxiety.
You take meds.
You go to see the doctor in case you need a different dosage.
Your poor boyfriend is facing a life time of consoling you over your relationship with him.
Thins is how he feels.
It's not his problem.
So in order to address your anxiety seek medical support.
Because he is not the doctor the anxiety issue is not in his power to control.
You are creating a third wheel in your relationship by giving your anxiety so much power in your relationship.
And believe me I know what anxiety is but as someone once told me from a spiritual perspective: Try not to worry so much, because it won't do any good and it doesn't change anything!
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