A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I wanted to share my weird situation with you and to maybe get some good advice..The deal is, me and this girl broke up some months ago, we've been together for almost a year. She couldn't continue seeing me the way it used to be cause she thought things didn't work between us, although we loved each other very much. The first 2 months were awkward, lots of fights and tears, but after a while we got in touch more and more, and she admitted she really missed hanging out with me. However, she went back to the guy she dated before me. At first I felt really sad and used. I thought things like: maybe she used me to try to get over him but perhaps she found out she cared too much about him. However, since shes with him we hang out even more, and talk alot. About her problems, and mine. We just do things as friends, but there is still a little bit more. She admits she still loves me very much, She even says she's still in love with me, from time to time. I love her too and sometimes I also feel that tingly feeling in my stomach,The feeling you feel when in love. I'm not sad anymore that she's with him atm. If she thinks this is what she is supposed to do, then who am I to judge.The weird thing is, sometimes she tells me she doesnt see a future in her relationship with him. And sometimes we get really close when hanging out, almost like we never broke up, at least, so it feels to me. So I can't help to think about the future every once in a while, what i would do when she'd ask me back. It bothers me, cause sometimes I catch myself thinking about being back with her, and I feel a little craving for it. I talked to her about it once, she said she sometimes thinks about a future with me, living together and such and that those thoughts gave her a good feeling. Since she told me this I dont know what to do anymore, I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt again. That I'm gonna fall back heavily in love again with her, but she's with someone else, allthough she complains about it a lot and it makes me wonder why she's with him considering the things she says to me. And I really dont wanna lose her as a friend, cause our friendship means alot to me. We can talk about everything, and always have very much fun when hanging out, which is a couple of times in a week.I'm so confused :(
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): hi thnx for replying, im the author of this problem.
What does bother me is this:
I think of her as a really good friend, and hope she thinks of me as a really good friend too. But if she's only sweattalking to me cause she wants me to wait so she could fall back on me, or cause she wants me to listen to her problems, or keep me as some back up she wouldnt be that good of a friend at all. How do i find out the truth
without hurting her feelings. I mean, if i would confront her with it, she will think i think really bad of her :(
A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (13 May 2008):
 OK, first I would say that you need to keep the vision of her boyfriend in your head. I'm big on fidelity as a personal credo. If she separates from this other guy, then make a move. Otherwise, hang with her as much you feel comfortable doing. Personally, there really is nothing like having a close friend that is a woman. There's a perspective that you get that most guys miss without a woman's point-of-view. If you can maintain that without jeopardizing your well-being, then great. I guess I'm advocating remaining friends - cautious friends. If something opens up for you in the future, then try to establish something more.
I guess the big message here is always put yourself and your happiness first above anyone else. The only exception to that might be the person you're in love with and even then, it's more of a mutual happiness and not a compromise on your own for somebody else's.
I hope some of that helped...
...............................
A
female
reader, growing  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 SHE IS JUST USING YOU
I don't know what other has to say but after reading all,i am 95%sure about whatever i am typing.
When she was with you,she realised that you are not the one that she was looking for ,but yes you were together for a year and its not easy to leave sumone wihtout any tears,no matter if things didin't seem to work.So to overcome you, she needed sumone else or may be she left you bcos there was this other person in her head.
Then she started her relationship with this guy and after a time she felt that even he is not perfect and she knew that you were still into her and would give all your care and time to her.So she started friendship with you and as you said that sometime it go beyond that,which clearly indicates that she fulfil her emotional needs from you and sometimes even physical but she still want him to be introduced as her boyfriend and not you.
This girl is with you till she develops some serious feelings for his bf or may be sumone else and then she will throw you out.
It may hurt,but this is how these situations shape up.
She is cheating her bf and using you without any guilt and you are still thinking that she will come to you.
Start avoiding her.let her solve problems on her own.if she is having any problem with her bf then she has to talk with him and next time she comes closer then tell her that you are not a "use and throw" thing and if she wants you then she need to leave her bf.she can't sail in two different boats at a same time.
My personal advice is that don't wait for her,she ain't worth it.she will not respect you cos she knows that you would take her if she returns even after having a 1nite stand so just leave her and move on.
And remember, if you break up with someone or someone breaks up with you, it is only because there is someone waiting for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, confused311 +, writes (13 May 2008):
I'm definatly not the best advice giver, but it seems like this girl can't make up her mind. If your fine with her having a boyfriend and still hanging out with her thats your decision. I don't really know the whole situation, I'm sure its A LOT more complex than those few paragraphs, but this girl should really make up her mind. My boyfriend had his ex girlfriend break up with him and played mind games with him like that, not as much as it seems as whats happening to you, but he was really emotionally messed up and I didnt know that until it was to late in our relationship and he eventually broke my heart. Every relationship is soooo different, but my advice is that she has to make up her mind and choose who she wants to be with. Shes just going to end up hurting her boyfriend and you. I know its really hard to just move on, but sometimes its for the better. I find it odd that she can't make up her mind. If it helps you any I dated someone for almost three years and broke up with him but still hung out with him and than a month after our "offical" break up I met my boyfriend that I'm dating now for almost 2 years on and off, but behind my boyfriend that I'm dating now I hung out with my ex boyfriend occasionally and talked to him on the phone because I wasnt over him. Eventually my boyfriend told me that I had to stop talking to my ex and I couldn't make up my mind whether I was making a mistake for breaking up with my ex. Once bad times have happened between me and my boyfriend it made us A LOT closer and one day it hit me that I no longer have feelings for my ex and that I want to be with my boyfriend that I have now. I had to choose and I think its only right for the girl you like love to choose too. The way I see it is that your putting in a lot of time and effort for a girl that has a boyfriend when you could go out and meet someone who doesnt have a boyfriend and wants to be with you. Sorry my advice is crazy and not that good, but its just how I see your situation. Good Luck:)
...............................
A
female
reader, confused311 +, writes (13 May 2008):
I'm definatly not the best advice giver, but it seems like this girl can't make up her mind. If your fine with her having a boyfriend and still hanging out with her thats your decision. I don't really know the whole situation, I'm sure its A LOT more complex than those few paragraphs, but this girl should really make up her mind. My boyfriend had his ex girlfriend break up with him and played mind games with him like that, not as much as it seems as whats happening to you, but he was really emotionally messed up and I didnt know that until it was to late in our relationship and he eventually broke my heart. Every relationship is soooo different, but my advice is that she has to make up her mind and choose who she wants to be with. Shes just going to end up hurting her boyfriend and you. I know its really hard to just move on, but sometimes its for the better. I find it odd that she can't make up her mind. If it helps you any I dated someone for almost three years and broke up with him but still hung out with him and than a month after our "offical" break up I met my boyfriend that I'm dating now for almost 2 years on and off, but behind my boyfriend that I'm dating now I hung out with my ex boyfriend occasionally and talked to him on the phone because I wasnt over him. Eventually my boyfriend told me that I had to stop talking to my ex and I couldn't make up my mind whether I was making a mistake for breaking up with my ex. Once bad times have happened between me and my boyfriend it made us A LOT closer and one day it hit me that I no longer have feelings for my ex and that I want to be with my boyfriend that I have now. I had to choose and I think its only right for the girl you like love to choose too. The way I see it is that your putting in a lot of time and effort for a girl that has a boyfriend when you could go out and meet someone who doesnt have a boyfriend and wants to be with you. Sorry my advice is crazy and not that good, but its just how I see your situation. Good Luck:)
...............................
|
