A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:sorry this is pretty long but i'd love for someone to give me their thoughts on this.I have started seeing a guy who I really like but I have a feeling he is still really into his ex.He's been straight with me and told me from the beginning that he wasn't promising that what we have will end up in a relationship as he isn't sure he is ready for the commitment, he just enjoys my company and just wants to see what happens. I'm fine with that, but if he IS still into his ex, I don't think it is a good idea. I'm scared I'm being used.It didn't work out between him and her because of the sole reason that he doesn't feel like he can commit to a relationship at the moment - he is unhappy in himself and with his life and he says he is trying to sort himself out. He doesn't feel like he can commit 100% to someone and make them happy before he is happy in himself. He's scared of failing i guess. his exact words to me were "she didn't do anything wrong, it just wasn't the right time and i couldnt keep hurting her." I understand that this upset his ex and caused a lot of arguments. They broke up in May last year, only to reconcile 7 months later in december, to break up again for the same reasons in january. i can tell he really cared about her.I didn't think too much of it at first but since we started hanging out together (in a group of friends and alone) I have grown to really like him and although i understand he doesnt want a relationship right now it would hurt if he left to go back to his ex for the third time.I started having concerns about it this weekend. We went to a club with my brother (who is coincidentally the boyfriend of one of his best friends) and a massive group of their friends. and his ex was at the club also, with a seperate group of people. it is literally the tiniest club ever so there was no way they could avoid each other. i should probaly mention that she is very petite, blonde, and very, very pretty.at first i didnt think anything of it as they were stood quite close and seemed to be ignoring each other, she was with a group of guys. this was until i started noticing his eyes flick up and glance at her everytime she got close to talk to one of them, and i'm pretty sure she was showing off and playing up a bit as she knew he was watching. then she turned round and was out of his view, so he literally swapped sides of our little circle so he was facing her and could see her clearly again!she then disappeared for a little while so i relaxed a little, however i found he was acting funny with me. he wouldn't stand next to me or act how he usually does with me, he kept wandering off with his friend without saying anything, he seemed to be trying to avoid me if anything!a while later she reappeared and walked right past him so they were kinda forced to cross paths and acknowledge each other, it probably helped that they were both a bit drunk by this time. he smiled like a really cheeky flirty smile, she seemed to do the same, they exchanged a few words then had a massive hug and he kissed her on the side of her head. she then seemed to caress his chest?! a little before walking away.after that, everytime they walked past each other he would pull a stupid face, she'd pull one back and they'd both giggle. there was a couple of instances where he'd stop and kiss her forehead (drunkenly), she seemed to enjoy it, or they'd walk past each other and mouth things at each other.. one i remember clearly was him being like 'you're so drunk' to her, with the response 'no, you are' to which he replied 'no you are' etc etc along with the giggling and the flirty smiles :/ he was quite drunk so i'm not sure he was aware, or even cared that i saw.aswell as all this, whenever they WEREN'T walking past each other, he was subtly watching her the whole time as she was dancing on a bench. he was literally facing her way the whole time, and she facing him too:/at the end, i was stood by the toilets, watching and waiting for him to collect his coat. i saw her join the queue a couple of people after him. i saw him check her out, he complimented her on something, im pretty sure i vaguely heard the words "it looks hot" and they were doing the whole flirty giggly thing again (vom) then from what i could see he started blowing her face??? (for a joke, and he was quite drunk) and just before she walked away he touched her hand.he says he hadn't spoke to her or seen her for about a month before this, which i believe, although she does like the odd facebook status of his.her profile is private so i can't see it.he still likes her and i should leave, shouldn't i? it's pretty much spelled out for me i just need to hear it from someone else. I don't know what I'm doing trying to be with a commitment-phobe who is quite obviously just gonna continue going back to the same person!i'm scared im just being used for the female company until he sorts himself out and feels ready to go back to commit fully to her.thoughts please? :/
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 April 2013):
 He has told you that you won’t have a relationship with him and he’s not ready for a commitment. Saying “I don’t know what will happen but I’m not ready for a commitment now” is the same as saying.. “I’m using you for fun and games”
you will be hurt if you continue to see him and hope for the best... this is probably all you are going to get from him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): Hi. I dont think you are being used because he was up front about his feelings from the start. So you are JUST female company but you do know this. He is still very much connected to this girl and they havent finished up with each other yet, that much is plain. To save yourself any hurt, i would start to distance yourself now and what ever you do, please dont be tempted into a FWB situation with him. You are worth so much more. Let him loose because until he knows what he wants, hes not use to you or any other woman quite frankly. Who ever he ends up with will get hurt just as his ex was and you will be soon if you hang around. Let him go x
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A
female
reader, Diera +, writes (4 April 2013):
I think you should try back off from him for a bit. It annoys me so much when guys are like 'I just don't feel like I can commit at the moment'. If he seriously wanted to be with you then he would. It sounds like him and his ex had a bit of bumpy road but I don't believe he wants her back. I think he is just playing his cards. At the end of the day if he was such a good friend, drunk or not, he would hadn't have flirted with her right in front of your eyes. He still has a torch for her but don't most people always have that little bit of spark for their old flame? I wouldn't think of him/her too much because if they wanted to be together they would be. but I wouldn't hold your hopes up that you will be in a relationship with this guy either. I had a guy tell me that he couldn't commit because he was struggling with life and he needed to sort himself out first, I believed him and gave him time but two years later we are still fwb. It turns into a vicious circle that you can't get out of because you start to get too emotionally attached. He sounds a bit of a player in all honesty. Try distance yourself from him, at least for a while.
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