A
female
age
36-40,
*exy cakes
writes:Ok so me and my boyfriend have been dating for going on 3 years now .... we didnt have any problems In the beginning of the relationship .... I would say a year in to it we were having sex and we went for like hours and hours so I said I needed a smoke and a drink and I will be right back . As I was out having a smoke my sister call me and was crying and needed to talk so I guess I took longer then I was planning on but I went back in the room and said ok lets have some fun but he turned around and said he couldt cuz he already finished when I was outside! so I got mad and disappointed that he couldnt even wait for me that I wasnt that important to him so we got over that ... then we moved in with each other eand I started to notice that everytime I would leav the room he would put porn on and watch it and then he would lie about looking at it . So tben I started to fake sleeping and watch him from a far n he would put porn on and touch him self but as soon as I got up he would turn it off right quick and then lie about it .... So we started to have big fights over porn n him doing this and hiding it and lying about it which he says he didnt lie ..so a year goes by and I got a computer from my best friend with is my ex baby daddy sister . I got the computer for him cuz his broke. Anyways I was going throw the hard drive and seen naked pics of her n asked him it he wanted to see n he had a smile on his face and said no it will start problems with us cuz u think I like her so I turned around and said I forgot about that your right it would start something ... so I left it at that but I noticed that he would get the hard drive and go through it when he did t think I was up or paying attention to him .... so I told him are u trying to look at the pics n he would say no and turn it off n I said good cuz that would start a huge fight .... so 3 days go by and I felt like something was going to happen so I put my phone on rec and hid it and I left and went to the store ... tv was on the lobby Chanel so he could see when I was coming back so he puts the hard drive In and looks at the pics but the whole time hes looking at the tv to see if im coming so one of the kids slammed the door he jumped up and took out the hard drive fast and ran out of the room .. when I got back he was in the bathroom putting water on his face ... so we went back in the room and we were in there for 3 hours then he had to go meet up with a friend so I looked at the video and seen it so I went o the computer and see he only looked at that! I was pissed hurt and I felt like I had been cheated on cuz in my head he went throughall that trouble to look at them he must like her ... so he got back n he was home for a hour still never said anything about it so I asked n he said yes .. I told him I seen him n showed him he said he never jumped up fast and un hooked it but u can clearly see he did and he said he looked at other things that wasnt the only thing he looked at but thats the only thing shown he looked at ... I asked him why he said he didnt know n then I say u must like her he said no I dont like her... I felt so hurt he said it was cuz we were fighting for 3 days but we werent and then he said I was rubbing it in his face for 3 days but I didnt ..then he said that for the past 2 years with all the fighting and everything this has been leading up to this ... abd then he said by me saying he likes her im makeing something thats not true TRUE wht dose that mean ... then I asked if he was gojng to tell me and he said yes but I didnt give him enuff time to tell me it was 4 or 5 hours later when was he going to tell me n if he didnt like her when I asked him the first time then why did he say waht he said and then go behind my back and look at it? 3 days later doesnt make sense to me so we fought for months and im still hurt about everything! hes saying that im making the porn thing up in my head and him liking her too and that im makeing everything thats not true be TRUE ..what dose that mean ????? And I just want him to tell me the truth about everything cuz I know wht I see hear and notice.... but he wil; not tell me no mater wht and I feel like sometimes he wants to tell me but wont tell me so I ask u for ur help and see if u guys can maybe make me see if im in the wrong or if he is ....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013): From the information you've given me, it sounds to me like he does NOT actually like your best friend. He just knows you wouldn't want him looking at her pictures, so by looking at them, he's simply getting off on the "forbidden" aspect of it. It's not her in particular. He obviously also doesn't want to admit he looks at her pictures, because he knows you'll assume he DOES like her. And he keeps looking because the "forbidden fruit" never gets old, so to speak. I can guarantee if you could find a way to fully convince him you don't care anymore if he looks at her pictures, they would suddenly lose their appeal. It sounds weird, but it really does work that way. Now, onto the porn issue. In my opinion, if he's doing it every time you walk into a different room, he has a serious problem. It's one thing to look every now and then when you're either not home, or not "available" for sex, but it's another to do it EVERY TIME he thinks he's alone. He also knows his lying about it doesn't change the fact that you DO in fact know what he's up to. But because he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it with you, he still lies. He feels you would judge anything he has to say, and therefore feels it's best to try to convince you it's all in your head.What should you do? Well, there's 3 options. 1.) Try (in a nice way) to get him to sit down and have a serious talk with you. Tell him you won't judge him for anything he says, but you DO feel you have the right to an explanation from him for why he feels the need to look at porn all the time. Listen to what he says, and don't interrupt him. Don't shout at him, and don't call him names. Genuinely show him you aren't going to judge him. However, considering how many times you've blown up at him before, it may take some time before he'll trust you enough to talk to you about it. So, you'll have to be patient.2.) Break up with him. 3.) Keep on the way you are right now until he inevitably breaks up with you. P.S. You're right, at the part at the end of your post where you say you sometimes feel he wants to tell you. He does, but simply doesn't feel comfortable enough with you right now. So if you want to stay with him, you have to show him you're willing to listen to him without judgement.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013):
The blame game not a game I like to play.. So lets work through this.. If your accusing him of liking some other girl then you could be laying seeds of thoughts that he may not have ( that's what he means by making it happen). And never never do you ask your bf does he want to look at naked pics of a girl 1. That you both know 2. You feel he likes..
Testing your bf allegiance doesn't always get you the answer you may want . It is natural to think that the opposite sex may be hot. It's the acting on it, if your in a relationship that's an issue..
He could have looked at the pics because you made him curious.. And he's a guy and that a new piece of ass.. Doesn't make what he did right.. But your action ( telling him about the pics) got a reaction ( him looking)
I think your needing some space, just to get your head around this relationship.. Can you go home to mum for a while ? Or a siblings just until you get some perspective .. I don't think you are unjust to some extent.. But I feel this relationship is becoming very toxic with the amount of hostility and arguing that's going on . And there no sign of trust hence you video taping him .. Really ! Relationships under this amount of pressure and stress do not work out well..
So my advice.. Take a break , go visit your mum or move back in for a while . If you two do want to work through this . Then start redating, taking things slowly, have other interests hobbies girlfriends that do not include him .. Say to yourself. I'm a confident sexy women and by god is he lucky to have me... Building your confidence and self esteem baby you won't care who he looks at .. As long as its just a glance and nothing more..
Time to buckle up, this road may be bumpy but if you want to be together your going to have to move on , from this . Take some time , take it slow and who knows what will happen. All I do know is your current situation is not healthy ..
Take care sweetie .
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