A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,Here is my situation.I have been in a loving relationship for just over a year. My partner is 30, I am 26.He in previous relationships was always referred to as the pretty one, the sexy one, the funny one and the popular one, and his ex's hardly got on well with his friends.I came along and I get on with the majority of his friends and seeing that I am the younger one of the group I am almost treated like the baby of the group in terms of them being protective over me and looking out for me.The other day my partner has said clearly to me that since I have come into the picture and as of late that his friends have made him feel ugly, fat, unattractive, they have made him hate himself, and that he constantly feels like he needs to compete with me because I am the younger one, the prettier one, the sweet one that everyone likes, and he said that he hates it, and that probably it was best when his ex's hated his friends at least he was still the "popular" one!He has had a rough year in terms of business/ work, finacial with bugdeting drastically he has literally cut social activities as there is too much spent there, so socially he feels as though he isn't the social bee that he used to be when he could indulge and splurge money as he pleased.He admitted to feeling sorry for himself, and for feeling insecure and that he hates himself and the way that people always focus on me and the way that people look at me, because that was the way that people would look and treat him before. He has become so image conscious and hates that he has picked up some weight.The breaking point was for my graduation I received messages from his friends that have also become my friends congratulating me saying congrats good looking, all the best sexy, all the best hottie.. etc This made him livid as when it was an occasion about him they didn't go all out and say those things for him, and he felt that they made more of an effort for me and not for him, and that his friends make him feel like the baddie and I am the goodie.I have tried to reassure him, and he said that it isn't about me, or about us, and that he loves me, but it has to do with him, because before he used to love himself and used to love who he was and having the attention whereas I seem to have taken that away.I have done nothing intentionally, I am not a friend snatcher, I can not help if I get along well with most people, and I do not walk around with the notion of thinking I am the hot one. In fact I can come across as being shy intially!What should I do?I love him for him, but it hurts me that in a "loving relationship" you are not in it for your looks but for your heart and I feel so sad that it seems like he is uncomfortable and feels the need to compete with me!He has calmed down since then, but I still sense some tension, and that fight was pretty ugly because in his rage of anger he said we are over, and when I freaked out, he said he said it out of anger and that he didn't mean it.
View related questions:
his ex, insecure, money, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This fella does sound a bit immature and he feels pressure to have to look a certain way to gain a certain status. This is sad but inevitable social epidemic in some places. You have reassured him and been a very very postive and wonderful person thru this ordeal.
Why should be feel the need to impress, he already has you? And the main thing his friends give him respect for who he is on the inside not outside. If thats not the case, then he should very well question his own judgment of having such friends in his life if they bring him down.
Kind Regards
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 It's always sad when someone centers their life around their looks, what it gives them, and of course, money. He admits his problem which tells me that he isn't completely lost. But, I will warn you right now that overcoming such narcissistic tendencies will be a long and bumpy road for him. People depend on their looks because they're not comfortable with who they are or simply never learned to develop anything else. He has issues that he needs to address. When you're jealous of someone, you can't truly love them. Love would mean he'd be happy for you for being loved and admired. He needs counseling. You can stick by him or leave him to battle these things on his own (as he'll need to). Hope this helps..
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 October 2010):
This guy is absolutely pathetic. He's beyond pathetic. This is so ridiculous it's beyond belief. He's a primadonna if there ever was one. I'm sorry, but I think you can do better. If there was ever a time when a woman was settling for someone well beneath her, this is it. He's actually shouting at you, because you're attractive and it makes him feel bad. How controlling, how manipulative, how immature. This guy should ashamed of himself for the way he has treated you. Basically, he's an attention seeking loser. He wants everyone running around him so his ego can be stroked.
I'm afraid to say this will be your life with him. He will destroy your confidence to boost his own. He will make it his mission to wreck your friendships for his own good. I think you should just ditch this loser. Please, for your own sake. He's utterly beneath you, and the way he has blamed you for taking attention away is just pathetic. He's pathetic and doesn't deserve you. Don't stand for this crap.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (7 October 2010):
 he sounds really immature, if he cant be happy if he is not seen as better than everyone else then that is very shallow.
he needs to grow up, if he always has to be the centre of attention, ask him to look inside himself and see if he is ever really happy.
you sound nice and balanced and that is probably why his friends have taken a liking to you. he should stop punishing you for the fact you are likable and work on improving himself. life isn't all about what other people say about you, surely there are more ways to derive your self esteem for isntance from hobbies and skills.
you have to think about wether you can cope with this behaviour and what effect it will have on you in the long run...
...............................
|
