A
female
age
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*onely queen
writes:My husband and I don't have sex anymore. He's always "too tired". Funny, he's never too tired to stay out to 2am with his drinking buddies or play table tennis on his evenings off. Just too tired for me. We rarely sleep in the same bed together anymore.He doesn't talk to me anymore about significant events. He doesn't discuss his plans for our future with me. Its like he thinks he's still single and I'm just around to wash dishes and do laundry. He treats me like a personal assistant. I'm on a "need to know" basis. Apparently, I don't need to know very much.We dated for 9 years. Two of which were long distance as he moved out of state for a job. Eventually he asked me to move with him and said we'd get married. So I sold my house and gave up my life to be with the man I loved. We did marry about 6 months ago. But I feel more distance between us now than I ever did when we were physically apart. He doesn't touch me or kiss me. We haven't had sex since last year! And when we did have it, about once every 2 months, it was because I initiated it. Being the only initiator makes me feel so unwanted and unattractive. Its like he was doing me a favor by giving me 10 minutes of bland sex. Before we started living together, he was the BEST lover I'd ever had. He says he's not having an affair but you can't prove it by his actions.I'm sad or angry most of the time. I can't concentrate at work because I'm wondering what he's up to. I have no firends up here and am completely isolated. I can't talk to him about it because he acts like i'm being completely unreasonable and demanding. I want my passionate boyfriend back. I want my friend back.I don't want to leave him but staying is breaking my heart and crushing my spirit daily. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JoJoman  +, writes (25 July 2008):
Some men can only be sexually aroused during the courtship stage of a relationship. Often these men begin to suffer from sexual dysfunctions caused by low levels of arousal either after the wedding or when the newness of any given relationship has faded. Often this lowering of arousal is subconscious and the man can be as puzzeled by the results as much as his partner is.
This problem is often caused by a deep seated fear of intimacy which causes a stress reaction and shuts down the man's sexual system. There may not be sexual dysfunction, he may just find himself losing interest.
The roots of intimacy problems are often to be found in childhood and/or family of origin trauma. The first step is for you both to find out what the problem is, then seek therapy, although the success rate in treating these men is low.
Often these men, once married, turn to porn, masturbation or prostitutes in order to get the newness and variety which allows them to become aroused enough for sexual release.
One sign of this problem is men who have a history of short term relationships or multiple marriages.
A
female
reader, little_laura0  +, writes (10 March 2008):
if i were you, to put my mind at rest about the cheating, i would hire a detective. they are very good. you do have a right to know and then base your actions on what the detecive finds.
Good luck with it xx
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (9 March 2008):
 You say you were married 6 months ago and haven't had sex since what December? Could it be that he is having some committment issues since the marriage? Was he married before or is this his first marriage. Did things change after you moved in or after you got married?
If this behavior continues your self esteem will continue to go down hill until eventually you will not feel like a desirable woman. Don't wait until that happens before you do something drastic. Your marriage is in trouble and you haven't been married that long. The two most important ingredients in a marriage are intimacy (not always physical) and communication. It doesn't sound like you are getting either. It doesn't sound like he is making you a priority either. If he doesn't want to talk about this or try to resolve these issues then I don't see this marriage working for you. Most men don't like to go to counseling so don't push that too hard.
If leaving is out of the question you might try having a life of your own. It is possible he sees you as the housemaid because you don't go out with friends, etc. Join a club, get some friends and don't make him the center of your universe. You try staying out until 2am having fun with the girls. Get a new haircut, new clothes, or a makeover. Eventually he'll start to see you as out of the element and it may be enough for him to say "hey what's the deal, she's not the same ole reliable waiting hand and foot for me, I'd better see what's going on with her."
Then let the discussions begin. You felt alone and decided to take matters in your own hand. You love him and want to be with him but your needs aren't being met for companionship (and they aren't) so you needed to get a life. It's not game playing, it's making you feel like a vital, worthwhile woman. Your confidence will be boosted and he will look at you differently. Let him wonder what's up with you for once.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (9 March 2008):
 Talk to him, i mean really sit down and have a proper talk. Explain how you want him back the way he was and how much you miss it. Tell him you miss the intimacy you shared and how he made you feel. Maybe he has worries that he feels he cannot share with you, is he someone that just keeps his thoughts to himself? Don't blame him for how things are now just say you would like to be like you were in the early years as a couple. Hopefully he will open up to you and you can work things out together. Good luck.
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