A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:no longer with my ex husband. been with him 11 years, 4 of which married. we divorced and we stayed together one more year. I left due to serious control issues. the was also abuse in the marriage. i new i should leave due to him telling me what to do in the house, living by all his rules. i left to get to do everything i wanted, like wash clothes when i wanted, take a bath which he wouldnt allow, made us take showers. adjust the ac to where i wanted. etc. i have been out for a month and a 1/2 and having severe anxiety and regret that i left. i loved this man with my whole heart, but i know he is wrong for me. but i regret that i left and i cant go back because he moved someone, where she came from, i dint know, into the house. i feel i am obseesed with this man and i need to stop thinking about him and move on. how do i do this??? im in so much pain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): yup this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Worse than when my father died. Can't believe I'm going through it. But that's it.....going through it. I've tried to dull the pain by doing the flirting that was mentioned. I go to church, pray....everything I know--nonetheless when I look into my six yearold son's eyes, I see him and ONLY remember the good things. Why can't we remember the BAD??? Broke walls, slapped my face, kicked our son, ignored my daughter, ran up our debt, didn't work and almost ruined my career. Ohhh, I just want to remember his smile???? What is that???? I just don't get the mentality that I have now. I'm angry at myself for being such a fool. So angry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): yup this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Worse than when my father died. Can't believe I'm going through it. But that's it.....going through it. I've tried to dull the pain by doing the flirting that was mentioned. I go to church, pray....everything I know--nonetheless when I look into my six yearold son's eyes, I see him and ONLY remember the good things. Why can't we remember the BAD??? Broke walls, slapped my face, kicked our son, ignored my daughter, ran up our debt, didn't work and almost ruined my career. Ohhh, I just want to remember his smile???? What is that???? I just don't get the mentality that I have now. I'm angry at myself for being such a fool. So angry.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): Hi I totally understand you. I;m in the same situation ,just before moving out,and leaving the misery behind..But I have this fear,that I would be devastated to see how fast he would move on and that scares me to death.Actually, that is why I don't do it... But I'm hoping that I will get stronger and take this no matter what because it is our own weakness and insecurity that we feel that way.You are really right, it is just an obsession. I wish for you some peace, just like for myself.See, in all those years he destroyed your soul that is what you are missing now for moving on... Let me know, if you agree..Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): It was a long walk into the woods...it will be a long walk out! It has taken me over two years to overcome the effects of a 16 year controlling, abusive husband. And the strange part is that it was easier in the beginning than it was as time went by. We tend to forget just how bad it really was. We begin to dwell on the good things...which in my case were few and far between!
I still have days where I wish he were here to talk to...but who am I kidding...I was never able to talk to him! It was a living hell, and I have to remember that! As our 16 year marriage progressed so did the abuse and violence!
You spoke about the control he had over you, I know that so well! I was his puppet! He pulled the strings. I hated coming home from work not knowing what to expect and 9 out of 10 times...IT WAS BAD!
It is normal that you are feeling these feelings. But you have to remember the feelings!!! The feelings of no control! The feelings of fear. The feelings of loneliness, and desparation. The feelings of wanting to die, just to stop the pain! Remember every thing he has ever done to you!
Celebrate the freedom and independence you now have!
The fact that he has moved another women in with him shows you that he have this sick need to have a woman to control and manipulate! My husband was the same way...He needed a caretaker and someone to control at all times!
In August my husband died. It was sudden, and totally unexpected. I made the decision to go with my brother-in-law to the mortuary. At first, it was to support his brother, than it was to have closure for myself...but when I got there and saw him like that...I knew I was there because inspite of everything...I still had love for this man. I forgave him for his sick behavior, and said goodbye. I still cry sometimes when I think of what we could've had...but the fact is...we didn't!
Never once have I regretted walking a way from him! There is a difference between missing someone and wanting to be with them! After 11 years with your husband, It is natural to feel a void! Don't confuse that with a need to be with him!
I pray that you become stronger every day, and find the happiness you deserve!
Good Luck! Be Strong!
Britt
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reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 May 2009):
I think Otherstarfish has NAILED it here.
But just to add that if you sit around thinking about what you had then you won't move on.
Get out with your girlfriends and flirt.
Don't jump into a new relationship but just get out and flirt and you'll realise you are worth so much more than that arse you left behind. It'll only be a very short time before his new girl realises that you had the right idea and leaves him too.
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): wow hug - well you have done the right thing. And although its painful i want to show you, how i could have gone, its important to remind yourself of why :
see these posts as a nudge:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-continues-to-abuse-me--emotionally.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-is-verbally-abusive-and-has-been.html
for me - because she is slightly famous here - this story worth reading in the biography section. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danielle_Lloyd
Also see wondering cat's article:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/love-shouldnt-hurt-signs-of-abusive-behaviour.html
These things would happen if you hadnt moved out.
Lets face it he isn't into you in anyway - he has been abusive and worse betraying your love for him.
So what to do - you are hurt and sad and lonely. Well todays is a new day. (Ok it could be night where you are).
you are going through the same thing as someone who has split up - you are going to think its your fault (its not), you are going to think you could do something to change him (you can't), you are going to be angry (because he was such a tosser and you have spent time with him) you are going to be sad and then you are going to start to accept that you are in a better place. Oh at that point this cycle will start again and repeat a few times. But you will get through it. HE does not have the right to do this to you.
You have done the longest hardest part. The living with him, now you have got out - you need to start again - start thinking of what you want really - someone who is into you in a big way, who doesn't disrespect you. You are string than this.
now to get over him - you need to get your head busy. really busy - i have posted on this most of the techiniques i know to do this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-move-on-after-breaking-up.html
I have one other trick up my sleeve - write your self a letter from the future - write down all the things about your life and how you got through it, how looking back it was hard but you survived and met mister right. As if you were going to post to you. Then post it.
You are a very brave person, keep going. you are almost there.
Hugs, Star.x.
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