A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:we have been married for 15 years, together for 17 and have a 12 year old daughter. my husband is in the army and works and lives 1hr and 30 mins away. he normally comes home Fri-Sun or Mon am. 3 weeks ago he told me that he does not know what he wants anymore and that he is confused and has felt like this for over a year but could not talk to me. he says that he loves me but is not sure if he is in love with me and that he knows that it is his fault. Little things have annoyed him over the past year but has kept it bottled up. he says he wants to make it work and originally said that he needed time but after a lot of thinking time is all he has had! I say that we need to spend more time together as a family as at the moment he is spending time with friends and their families instead of me and my daughter. he said that he is going to speak to a doctor as he had some blood tests done but has still not ha the results and has asked me toremind him tomorrow to call someone. I am so confused and cannot stop worrying and crying and have no appetite. I really want this maraige to work but am worried that it won't.he has a lot of freedom and have never stopped him from doing anything he has wanted to do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time out to give me some advice which has helped. It doesn't matter how many times we talk at the moment for me t ge thereassurance that i need, i alwas come away feelingthe same..insecure and devestated as i thought we were such a strong couple which just goes o show you that it can happen to anyone!! i just feel like he does not want to spend time with us and i cannot get my head around that and i am trying not to ask questions all he time. i am going to wait for him to call and have looked into some numbers for guidance so we can move orward in our relationship. he wants to work it out so that is a start. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): Intrigued by your question, but equally saddened as you are very obviously upset. I'm intrigued as I'm from a military background, father was an officer, pilot in the RAF, and my relationships ( long-term) all with officers.
So have you always lived apart, or what proportion of your married life have you lived apart?
As for not being in-love, don't worry about this too much, as being in-love is about the early stages of building a relationship, when being in-love means, we are pre-occupied with the other person, they fill our every waking moment, they have control over us, as we are in-love. This is NOT what carries a long-term relationship or marriage, as both the latter are on built on a deeper level. And everyday life changes our feelings, and it's these changes people invariably mistake for not loving someone any more.
So please don't concentrate on him saying he doesn't think he's in-love any more. Try to think about what has been happening in your relationship say over the last five years that has slowly change to bring you to may be this point.
Have you lost intimacy, as in emotional intimacy, lots of contact by email, phone, texts etc when you're not together. Do you ensure you spend MAN/WOMAN time together or is it just as a family unit..where you both have left dating and the romantic side of your marriage behind? A lot of married people completely give up on dating each other once the ring is on the finger, they settle down to everyday life, paying the bills, the mortgage, doing what has to be done, then all of a sudden ( BUT NOT SUDDEN) 10 years down the line they have very little to talk about, or share other than what makes the HOME TICK OVER.
You may both have just ignored what has been taking place for a long time, and all things have to come to a head. All marriages go through rough patches, it's a journey I'm afraid, not a fairy tale ending to dating, it's where real life begins along with lots of hard work to keep it moving and growing - ALL easier said than done as we're human.
Just a couple of other things, Army guys are usually pretty independent, meaning the usual 9-5 way of living doesn't suit them, which may also have some thing to do with it. You say you allow him lots of freedom, so WHEN you do have dinners out, or make time for intimacy?
Of course he may be going through a bad patch himself, how is his work, health...I note you say he's had blood tests, there could be issues here, but wait until you get the results to know where to start from.
Whatever, the aim must be for you BOTH to KEEP TALKING and to be open with each other, as questions, allow HIM to tell you what he's feeling even if it upsets, don't stop him mid-way..if you do, you run the risk of him NOT be open with you and open dialogue will cease.
There is a chapter in my book I specifically wrote on ideas to keep passion and sex alive in a long term relationship, and in my research, I have to say the percentage of married people who ever did any of the things suggested was extremely low. So keep positive, it's early days yet, and he has opened up to you, so a good sign.
Oh yes, do you work at all, have personal GOALS for YOU, nothing to do with your husband or daughter, but something you want to achieve for YOU?
I really hope you can work together to resolve what's going on between you. You sound so genuine and warm, I'm sure it will help in getting your marriage back on track..I wish you lots of luck..Do try to look after yourself, and eat a little and often if you can't eat proper meals just yet!
Jilly x
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 I think it might be the distance between you that makes him feel this way. He only comes home to you on the weekends? So for about three or three days every week he doesn't see you or your daughter?
When he is home, be sure to treat him with the love you feel inside yourself and maybe, those feelings will re-emerge in him as well and he'll be sure. He said he isn't sure whether or not he is in love but that might not be because he's at risk of falling 'out of' love with you, it might just be because he's jaded in a way. I don't know either of you so I can't be sure. Best wishes
I hope that helps.
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