A
female
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anonymous
writes:My boyfriends sexual past is ruining our future. He's slept with over 100 women and it just kills me that it's so many. He's been with prostitues as well. I am a very insecure person and I think I can't satisfy him like they did. He says he's never loved anyone like he loves me and he is a wonderful person but this is something I can't move past. He's mad about me and wants to marry me and everything but this is really holding me back. He always tells me I'm the best he's ever had but how can that be true? I know I sound so pathetic but I can't help feeling this way! Help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): Dr.Peete, I agree with you. Sex was something very important and special to me. I was with one female prior to my wife, I knew it would be hard to find a virgin, but I had a limit. Well, my wife tells me one thing befoe marriage, six years later its something else. I ask myself, how can women stoop to such. I feel antiquated as a man, left out and disrespected! This person lied knowing if they told the truth there was a 90% chance that I would leave. Their rational was that some things are better left unsaid! I feel like having sex with many women now because of this void! I feel like I missed out. This was very sacred to me so they don't understand. I'm marreid so I feel trapped, because of children. The sad thing is that this person was asked several times prior to union and still lied because of rejection. Iwas with one female prior to her, but I feel as if the world has changed so drastically or their are no morals. All is well with her because she had her experience as for myself, I feel angery. If you are single and cannot handle based on your standards leave and test the waters that's your right. I fought like helllll being chaste, now, i don't give a damn if she finds out if I have a fling or two, because as far as I'm concerned, its a marriage on false pre-tense! HONESTY is importnant if someones life was different than yours! Not partial numbers, but the truth, if they cannot handle it, move on! I'm educated and good looking and would not have problem finding other women. That's why she lied because of my status. I was raised that that was something that you cherised!
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (15 July 2006):
 His sleeping with over a 100 women does not make him bad or sluttish. It makes him a different person to you. It means tho that one or the other of you is going to have to comprimise if you want your relationship to work....but as he cannot change his past, it is going to have to be you that learns to live with/deal with his!!
This may sound harsh....but unfortunately the past is the past and nothing you do can eradicate it. Life has a horrible habit of coming back to bite you in the bum, so if you feel you will not get over this then you need to look seriously at your future together.
I will not tell you to dump him or to get over it! I will not tell you that you are *silly* like some people may do. But I will tell you that this is down to YOU to have to try to deal with, 'cos as I said before the past is just that. The past cannot be changed. If you feel that you and him have a furture and he will remain faithful to you and that you can learn to live with it then I wish you all the luck in the world, but if not - then get out now before you lose all your perspective on *normality*.
Good luck
x
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A
female
reader, bodylotion +, writes (14 July 2006):
 Dont be so silly.Try not to put yourself down.If he says he loves you then take his word for it.But dont try to be better then the others just be like yourself.Make sure you have considered everything before you go ahead and form a more serious relationsip with this man.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 July 2006):
 I have been where you are. I still am, although it is better than it was.
It is very easy for someone who has not been in your situation to understate how difficult it can be. From my experience I know how staggeringly difficult those emotions can be to deal with. They strike us at our very core, our sense of safety, our sense of self worth, our sense of being 'sufficient'. Probably the best emotion to use to describe this is 'jealousy', although that is not totally accurate, since you are not truly 'jealous' of something.
Having shared my experiences with many others who have experienced the same thing, these are my conclusions (so far, they are always changing):
- Most people with these problems in a relationship end up ending the relationship because of it. For many, it seems that this is the right decision.
- For some, ending the relationship doesn't solve the problem. They carry it forwards with them, and are left needing to resolve it. The same problems seem to crop up again and again for them. Partly to do with who they end up attracted to, but mostly imho due to who they are.
- Some people get past it. Some good friends of mine struggled with this very intensely for over a year, and they are now happily married. It is possible.
- For those that do get past it, I've yet to hear an 'easy' story. It seems to take at least 6 months, sometimes a lot longer, and to put the relationship in treacherous territory many times during. If you go for it, be ready for the long haul. Expect much pain, and many set-backs.
So you have to ask yourself...
- Am I ready to take this on? You will need to look deep inside yourself and find the strength to confront your own demons. At the end of the day it is you that must change, not him. It is your problem, not his. Only you can overcome it.
- Is he worth it? You might need to put a year of your life or more into overcoming these feelings. Is he worth that effort?
If both of these are 'yes', then go for it. Just be ready for it to be much harder than you might expect. Also be ready for very little understanding from him, or from anyone else who has been in your situation. It is very difficult, but it is possible to overcome. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): You don't sound pathetic at all, and you are right to feel upset by this. Just because some others may not be, it does not mean that you are wrong. We are all different, and have different opinions and expectations and qualities in our mates.
Some people will tell you to forget his past, and that he is with you now, but this gives little reassurance if sex means something to YOU.
You already know this but you have two options. Either you need to become ok with this, or you need to end it and find someone who has a more comfortable sexual past.
Personally speaking, would I be comfortable dating someone who has slept with over 100 people? No, way. Would I try and "accept it". No. Because I have been there, and it has not worked.
I am guessing that your sexual past is very different to his. And here lies the problem; you have saved sex for someone you love. For you, sex is intimate, personal, loving, caring, emotional. For him, it is just the opposite. It's just a crude act bodily act, it is just that; SEX.
There is no miracle solution to this. You arn't going to wake up one day and not find it painful. But, if you pursue the relationship, perhaps it will get easier.
Although you are not in the wrong, you might want to talk to a professional about it. A therapist, or someone who has experience in allowing your feelings to come out, and to understand that it's in his past, and that the present, and future are what matters the most.
Going back to me, I've had this problem more than once and I've been fed the "forget the past, deal with it" and will strongly argue against anyone who can dish out such advice to me, for they simply do not appreciate that people are different to themselves. Sex, for some of us, will remain a very special thing and a sexual past forms the basis for a potential mate in the same way as their views towards marriage, children, career and other important life choices.
I'm inclined to say that his sexual past, and your character will not work together. If you are very insecure, and have little sexual experience then I don't see how this situation will recover. But, I don't know you, and I don't know exactly how good your relationship is. Only you know what to do - and I'm sure, with time, it will all become a lot clearer. Good lcuk!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): Forget his past. Who is he with now? YOU! It is always a slippery slope when you start talking about your past sexual experiences. Also, he may be exaggerating about the number of women he has been with. Men tend to do this. Women understate it, men overstate it. What matters now is you and your boyfriend, not his past girlfriends. Use a condom, have him checked out for HIV, etc., then enjoy your time together.
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A
female
reader, PBD +, writes (14 July 2006):
i know what your going through because i was just like you. but for me too get past it all i did was look at him and think how much do i love this guy? if butterflies are at the bottom of my stomache then i know i do love him. if you cant see yourself being without him then give it another go. but whatever you do dont try and match up too these other girls that he has been with because its not you. good luck xx
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