A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am 22 and have a girlfriend of who is 16 years older. The relationship started very well and i was also just starting a new job with exellent pay and had bought my favourite car. My girlfriend worked full time as did I and I could only see her at weekends thanks to 12 hour shifts. I got to know her and her son of 11 and was unsure about meeting her elder son because he had convictions for attemted murder and was out on tag i know him now though and he is reformed.I then had to leave my job because of anxiety attacks and stress which has haunted me since i am still struggling to find a decent job. My girlfriends youngest son also became seriously ill i did my best to try and support her but this is when problems started.I am a very quite person but am decent, my girlfriend started drinking a lot more as did i though just at week ends then she started becoming very nasty towards me and it is comletely out of order but i woudnt argue i would just sit in shock because of her true colours showing and would have a go at me for not talking or asking her general questions which i did i also done chores in her house and walking the dog etc but the more i done for her the nastier she would get.I finally had enough at christmas when she started ignoring my texts so i finished it. we got back together at new year she said she had seen the light bla bla bla but now we are in the same situation again, she trys to tell all the things that i do wrong even down to the way i would wash the kitchen counter ( fucking stupid i know). i am going out my mind because i text her and she does not answer for hours i know she is not cheating but she likes to keep busy kinda running away from life if you know what i mean and thats her exuse for completely ignoring my texts, iv been busy !Anytime we have talked about her antics she manages to blame everything on me or turn it around on me. she also has a personality disorder so it did take a while to suss her out.p.s. she only works two days now and i s=dont see her at all during the week anymore she is got in my head and i need opinions on what to do. I could have written this better there is so much more but ill end up writing a disaster novel.im really stuck on how to handle her she is a nightmare i would like to know anyones. thanks in advance
View related questions:
christmas, got back together, her ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks every one for the answers its good to get a different perspective.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): You really need to try and separate your problems from hers. Work on getting yourself straight and in work again. Your partner/ex partner is living her life the way she wants to and you must do the same. So think about what you want and need to be happy. Start working towards your own goals and you will find once you get busy too, you will stop giving this woman so much head room. Try to get out more, pick up with old friends and be more social in your age group. As already stated, you should be out and having fun. This woman had been using you and doesnt appreciate you at all. So get busy and move on. Dont text her anymore, text your friends instead and start doing things you enjoy.
...............................
A
female
reader, live2loveandlearn  +, writes (19 March 2011):
Relationships with individuals with personality disorders are always challenging. Does she take medication? Normally prescribed medication from a legitimate psychiatrist and regular counselling mellow out such outbreaks of anger and allows them to more openly discuss their actions and behavior.If she does all these things and is still this way, then you have described yourself how it feels - a nightmare. If you do love her and wish to stick it out, couple counselling and other options are available. If she is not willing to work with you or you feel that this relationship is doing you more harm than good, then it may be best to end it permanently. You are prone to stress and anxiety attacks, so if you choose this option, it may be wise to take the measures necessary to completely cut contact - change phone numbers, move to a different part of town (or out of town), and cut any means she may have of contacting you. Doing so may be very stressful at first, but after some time apart it will prove beneficial.I wish you the best of luck in your affairs.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 March 2011):
Hi there. I think that she is a troubled soul, never mind the personality disorder.
It's a really good thing that you don't live together, because things would be much worse! No doubt about that.
Things are bad enough now! Could they get worse?
Thank God that she doesn't live with you.
It's clear you are very unhappy and unsettled in this situation most definitely, and it's causing you stress as well, so you had to leave your job (which you loved) - because of the stress of all this, no doubt.
It seems like you are digging your own grave. I think you're almost there! The hole is getting very deep indeed.
You can surely do better than this. You deserve better, that's for sure.
I really think that your girlfriend is probably going through a kind of mid-life crisis. She's a single mother, with an 11 year old and an unruly teenager who has done time in jail, that sure is a lot to worry about for her. No wonder she is uptight most of the time.
I'm not sticking up for her or siding with her in any way, I am just trying to understand the big picture.
On another note, 16 years is a very big age difference. Especially as you are only 22 now, which is very young for this kind of responsibility on your shoulders. If this was another 10-15 years down the track, and you were 32 to 37 years of age yourself - she would then be 48 to 53 years old, the age gap of 16 years would not seem so great. Because you would both be in the same life stage.
But 16 years between your ages now when you are only 22, is a huge difference. You are both at completely different life stages. You are at an age where you should be just enjoying yourself going out with your friends and having fun, with no hassles or responsibilities whatsoever. But this isn't what your life is now at all, is it? It's the exact opposite! You can't deny it.
Her on the other hand, is a single mother 38 years old, with 2 children - one 11 years the other a young adult with problems of his own. She has a lot of issues in her life doesn't she? Do you really want this for yourself?
Really, this is something you have to seriously think about very carefully. Because you are setting yourself up for disaster. I think you are at that place now, actually.
It doesn't seem that you are truly happy at all.
Just have a think about everything - and be honest with yourself when you do - and as you are not living together under the same roof, this will help you to make a decision.
From now on, don't bother texting or calling her at all. Just leave it for now, and give her some space. It does seem that she needs that.
You said that you broke up with her once before, and I really think that perhaps it should have stayed broken off.
It's clearly too much stress on you and is affecting your health now. The longer you continue with it, the worse off your health will be. It's just not worth it.
Perhaps after careful consideration, you will decide that to break up with her is your best course of action.
She is not a changed person from who she was before the first breakup. People don't really change. Even if at first they might seem to improve, that's usually just until things settle down, then they return to who they really are. It's inevitable. Because the apparent improvement, was just to get you back again. Once they do get you back, then they can stop the pretence.
Hope it works out well for you. You don't deserve this crap. Life is too short.
There is someone out there for you, who is much better suited to you and will love you unconditionally, and accept you for who you are, treat you well and with respect and dignity always. Don't give up on that happening.
Remember - As one door closes, another door opens.
Take care and best wishes.
...............................
|
