A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've just broken up with a guy who I've been with for 7 years and I'm in two minds about whether I've done the right thing. Things have been going downhill over the past few months. I don't trust him as a few years ago he met someone and although nothing physical happened, they both admitted they really liked each other and he split with me only to come back a few days later. I didn't ask any questions about what happened as I was just glad he was back. The biggest issue for him is that I find it difficult to have sex as I had my drink spiked and was raped a few years before I met him and it only started to become a problem for me a few years into the relationship. I know that sounds stupid but I had blocked it out and our sex life was great at the start but I started getting anxious about it and slowly stopped wanting to have sex. It has been very hard for him (understandably) but I've felt that there has been so much pressure on me to do it and that has made it even worse. He has been so patient and put up with it but it has started to affect him in other ways. He began to resent me for it and I had to take on a second job to try and clear some student debts. We hardly saw each other for a while and he started drinking heavily with his friends and it became (and still is for him) a big problem. He became verbally abusive in front of his friends and I started not going out with him when any of his friends were there as I knew he would drink too much and we would argue over it. I got on really well with his friends although last week I got a public message online saying that they thought I was cool but now I had to f**k off as I was sh*****g someone else and they were going to kill him when they found out who it was. My boyfriend says he has no idea where that came from as he had never said anything about him thinking I was cheating but now everyone we know inc his family think I have. I have never cheated on him by the way and the thought has never crossed my mind! I was getting really paranoid at everything that was going on that I stupidly checked his emails (I know I shouldn't have) However I found he had subscribed to online sex sites where people go to meet up with other people for sex. He'd registered the night we'd had a huge argument but swears he hasn't met anyone and only registered to look at the pictures. He had filled in a profile all about what he was looking for and what he was into. This really hasn't helped the trust issue at all! I do understand why he did it though as it must be really hard to try to be understanding about how I react to sex sometimes.I decided to split up as the whole thing has really hurt me and now his friends and his sister have been sending abusive texts now. I spoke to him last night and he was begging me to take him back saying he would cut everyone like that out his life (although I wouldn't ask him to do that!) he would stop drinking and that he wanted to move in with me and make a go of it. I'm now really confused about what I want to do. I haven't gotten too upset about this but I do feel numb as I tend to block out feelings and carry on regardless. I feel like I am being unfair to expect him to put up with my emotional crap and I know he is only this way now because I feel like I've pushed him in that direction. I don't understand why he loves me so much and think he would be better off finding someone else who will have as much sex as he wants and treat him how he should be treated. He has always talked about getting married and having kids but the thought of that scares the hell out of me as any marriages in my family have ended horrible and my parents marriage was bad. Still he wanted to stay despite this and said he could deal with the no marriage as he just wanted to be with me. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): I'm telling you what you want to do. You want to keep away from this guy and get professional help for that rape emotional bagagge you're still dragging.
If this guy really loved you ánd was intelligent enough he wou;dn't be after his needs but really wouls've cared about what's happening to you. If he finds it so difficult to understand maybe he is a retard and you don't want to marry a retard. Nobody has to be a psychologist to understand certain experiences inlife develop into traumas latter on. I bet he thinks you are cheating because of the lack of sex. What a jerk!
You deserve someone who loves you the way you are and it's not just looking to have sex with you to satisfy their needs. If he doesn't understand you need help I'm glad you dumped him because you don't want that kind of egotistical self centered person who can't be caring with a situation so delicate as the one you have.
I totally think he planned that online threat with his friends. This kind of man (because of the time you've been together and the characteristics of the relationship) won't let you go easily. He might promise the world but he will not deliver it. I promise. He will never make you happy. You truly did the right thing leaving that relationhsip. Be strong!
I didn't have to read the final sentences of your posting to know already your parents didn't had a good relationship. Because that's the only situation in life that will teach us from a very early age to accept disrespectful partners and to tolerate difficult relationships instead of looking for fullfiling ones.
I bet his parents don't have a good relationship either. People who come from dysfunctional families look for partners who also came from dysfunctional families because it makes us feel understood and we are familiar with that environment.
Dont' let him manipulate you with his sexual needs. What about your needs? You emotional support needs? You need someone who is faithful and by your side for better or worse not just in the better. It's not your fault this situation is now resurfacing.
You have to understand your needs are always way more important than a relationship. Your parents didn't teach you to love yourself but you have to learn to because if not you'll end up letting each and every partner you have manipulate you and you'll never be happy because you'll feel your needs are not as important as theirs.
Go to therapy. Don't go back with this guy. Before you enter a new relationship be sure you feel good about yourself. Demand respect from your partners from day one. You were not put in this world to make nobody's wishes or demands come true. You came here with a purpose in God and deserve to be treated like a lady.
Don't get confused by his promises this guy is addicted to you and that is a serious issue that is not healthy. That is just the way dysfunctional relationships work. Lots of drama and hurt and when they feel you are leaving them they promise the world as if they could get it for you. But they are only using manipulation because you were so easy to control. Don't marry/get back w/him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you eddie you really have given me some good advice. I think I was looking for someone to tell me that it could work if we just dealt with our issues rather than running away from them. I've been offered counselling for the rape but never went as I once again thought I could carry on regardless but I realise now that it's the best solution and I do need help with it. Thanks you so much for taking your time to help!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (25 November 2007):
 What have you done to get some help over the rape? You shouldn't try to deal with that alone. Unless he is trying to have sex an unreasonable number=umber of times a week, the last paragraph of your question might suggest you have some things to deal with on your own. It sounds like your boyfriend has not handled his anger properly but at the same time, you have some work to do. It might not be easy but it sounds like it is necessary.
You say that it's "understandable" that's it's hard on him. If that's the case, you two need to figure out where you're going off track. If you both have issues to deal with, fix them. It may not be easy but it will be important for you in the future, with him or whoever else you're with.
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