A
female
age
41-50,
*rustrated36
writes:I'm 36 and didn't realize that I was clingy and needy and selfish to my own needs until January 3rd 2013.I've been like this for as long as I can remember (needy and clingy)and never realized it until my boyfriend and I started having some serious problems. He's still mourning the suicide of his wife of 11 years (that's part of our problem I know) and when he hit the one year marker he was feeling depressed and overwhelmed with all the feelings and then here I come dumping on him how I need more from him. Our relationship is currently on hold but we aren't split up (yet). Things are complicated, we live together and I moved here from a state that is 1400 miles away just to be with him. I uprooted my kids to be with him (yeah feeling shame). Someone once told him that from my actions they could see that I was needy and we both denied it. WOW where we both wrong. He's been away now for 3 days for a class out of state for his job and I've only talked to him once. It's been so very hard for me not to contact him in anyway but I have to do it to prove to myself that I can get over this hurdle and make my life better for myself and my kids. I think he started to see that I was needy long before I did. He started to get distant a few months after I moved here. My biggest problem is that I have left it up to him if he wants to stay together while we work on our issues but if he wants us to split apart I can't leave for a few months because I don't have any money. One thing you should know is that we both have been through a loss from suicide (mine was my ex boyfriend 4 years ago). I went through all the grieving and when my current boyfriend and I met I helped him through one of the hard parts at the beginning of his grieving. We didn't started dating until about 5 months after we met.Anyways, a talk we had about a week ago opened my eyes. He said it's not all about you. I started to open my mouth to respond and suddenly stopped and realized that I was being selfish and with all the feelings that I've been having not once did I think about how he was feeling. I felt horrible to say the least. I realized then that I was being selfish, needy, and clingy and I'm very hurt by what I've done. I've done a whole lot of reading online about my problems and how to get over it and move on or how to change my way of thinking. It's helped a little but I'm still working on it. The hardest thing for me right now is that I haven't talked to my boyfriend in 2 days now and it's been eating at me but I've been working on letting go of those feelings of need for him. I care a lot for him and I do have love for him but I'm not sure that staying in a relationship with him is such a good idea. I don't know what to do. Can someone give any advice?
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female
reader, Frustrated36 +, writes (18 January 2013):
Frustrated36 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's no point anymore. He decided to let everyone tell him how to live his life and broke up with me last night. Now I'm stuck in this freaking house with him for at least another month until I can move.I'm so sick of being the bad guy in everything. Oh and yeah he blamed me for the break up. Saying that I was the one that broke it because I was trying to move back to where we left. I had told him many times that he made me feel like I wasn't wanted here. I told him that many times over the past few months. He didn't seem to care.Whatever! I give up on men. I've been in over 20 relationships since I was 15 (that includes one marriage/divorce) and I'm convinced that there is no one out there for me.I'm done!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): I just read an article today which stated that men give themselves ammo to drift away by saying some things before they do..
And pointing a finger at you and saying its not all about you is a way of doing that,
he is consciously or subconsciously making a case of your flaws...
You need to defend yourself here, ask him to explain that... and try to be a little sensitive to his needs and allow him to express himself as well
But the fact that he said that is a strong red light.
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A
female
reader, Frustrated36 +, writes (11 January 2013):
Frustrated36 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's my problem though; I'm not ready to give up yet and if he decides that he wants to continue the relationship do I stick with it or do I let go and move on?I'm more then willing to put any advancements in our relationship on hold until he's ready because I know what he's going through but also because I know what kind of guy he really is. From talking with him and his friends and family even with a mutual friend, I know that he's kind, understanding, loving, and caring. I know that what he's going though at times can be so overwhelming that you just want to hide from the world. If he doesn't want me to leave I don't know how long I can hold out and wait though either. I told him over a week ago how I feel about him and that even if I move back to the state we were both in before moving here, that I wouldn't let go until he told me it was over because I do love him and have no desire to be with anyone else but him at this point. I asked him to not leave me hanging if he doesn't want to be with me or if he finds/is looking for someone else. He responded very quickly with "I would let you know, I would never leave you hanging on to something that isn't there" So how do I move forward from this?I do know that my frustrations with no romance in our relationship has hurt him because in the heat of the moment the only thing I could think about was me and not him at all. That was very selfish of me. I didn't once stop to think about his feelings until he said,"How do you think I feel with you putting all this pressure on me and demanding I answer you?" I stopped and thought about it and realized that if I was in his shoes I would have pushed me away too and I would be hurt by that. I told him all this and I asked him if he could forgive me and he said yes but he's still being very cold towards me.I keep thinking that he just really needs this time away from me to think things through and when he comes back on Sunday he will have made his choice but I also fear his choice.I mean I really don't want to be without him but at the same time I don't want to pressure him anymore either. I also have the fear that if I move away that he will find someone else and what we had will be lost. It hurts just to think about that.I'm seriously frustrated!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 He's not saying "go home" because that would expose how stupid he was to let you come all the way there just to be cold to you. He was flattered by your effort, but he was the one not thinking for you. He's the one who wants to talk about his class. He wants to make it completely your fault when he apparently agreed to this relationship.
You knew each other because you had tragedies in common. You felt it's easy to relate to him and support each other. I am not sure if he is using his mourning, your selfishness as an excuse not to continue this relationship. I think it's important that the main thing you have in common with your partner is that you are into each other, anything else is less important. Do not blame yourself for this. You had the intention of making better lives for you and your children but it didn't turn out well.
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A
female
reader, Frustrated36 +, writes (11 January 2013):
Frustrated36 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I've got two more days before he comes home and the suspense is driving me crazy. I truly HATE the unknown. I'm the kind of person that is very curious and like to ask a lot of questions. For those that are close to me, they know how I like to know how they are feeling no matter what's going on. After the past week I'm so frustrated with my boyfriend because he keeps sending mixed signals to me. He's playing head games with me and I think he knows it. I think he's doing it because he's still angry with me for not thinking about his feelings when I bottomed out and kinda flipped out on him about our relationship.
Anyways, I'm starting to think that when I do get some money I will move back to where I was anyways. Mainly because I don't think he wants me here anymore but yet I'm unsure about that. He's been more distant over the past week and in the past 5 days the only thing he's talked about is the class he's taking. I'm not kidding you, he won't talk about anything else at all. I'm not pushing him at all but I did tell him that I was working on myself and the only thing he said is that he knows how hard that is because he did that about 3 years ago, then he quickly changed the subject and went back to talking about school.
I've got a strong feeling that when he returns he will do one of two things, he will either tell me that he thinks its best if I move or he won't say anything at all and continue to be the way he was before he left for his class. Before he left he was very cold towards me. He was avoiding touching me in anyway but before he left we made out (in bed) and then had sex. When arrived at his destination he sent me a text telling me he got there and I responded with I miss him already and that I thought it was because I knew he was going to be gone for a week. I didn't get a response. So I sent another text asking if that was to much and he responded with yes. So I said fine I'll stop and that was it. He acts like he doesn't care but yet he has called me 3 times since he's been gone. I honestly didn't expect to hear from him at all the entire time he was gone. Wouldn't you say that is mixed messages? I'm so frustrated that I just want to give up. This is seriously mentally draining to me.
This is how I am though, things get frustrating or they don't go the way I had hoped/planned I break up with them and run away. The fact that I'm stuck here for now doesn't help matters at all. Because even if I wanted to leave I can't yet.
I've got a strong feeling that upon his return he won't say anything at all about us and continue to be the way he was before he left. This is going to be torcher to me. I don't know that he realizes how much he is really hurting me by acting the way he is.
I fear regret. Is this a bad thing?
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A
female
reader, Frustrated36 +, writes (10 January 2013):
Frustrated36 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the male anonymous, LOOK, I don't need you telling what I already know. I know what I did and yet you still don't know the whole picture with my kids. My post is about me. Not them. I know I was wrong but I can't change the freaking past buddy. I posted this to help myself and get advice about my situation with my boyfriend not get advise on how to raise my kids. You need to just stop!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): Previous anon male offering apologies for incorrect assumptions.Given you only mentioned your children in passing as seeming afterthoughts while providing no details (i. e., whereabouts of baby daddy or daddies), I jumped to conclusions lacking establishing facts to the contrary. I also should have specified that the "stranger" reference was in regards to your children; in the eyes of the law your boyfriend is indeed a legal stranger in that he is not related to you or your children by marriage, blood or adoption. He's nothing to them as he's your acquaintance, not theirs. That said, I stand by my main point that you did your children a great disservice by uprooting them and taking them away from their friends and any paternal relatives for an unstable shack-up that has quickly gone sour. Your self-admitted clinginess and neediness has resulted in your moving your kids half-a-country away so you could latch on to a guy. Besides disrupting their lives and removing them from all that was familiar, you are setting a not-so-good example as a parent by putting your need for a man ahead of their emotional well-being and long-term future. In any event, your children's father(s) are not present, active and involved in their daily lives and that in and of itself qualifies a traumatic loss, and you should have been more sensitive to the additional voids you'd be creating in their lives by removing any last semblance of normalcy and stability and continuity to which they could hold on. You admit you are selfish, problem is that you perceive your short-term shack-up boyfriend as the victim when in reality it is your kids who are suffering in silence. I could have expressed myself less harshly, just get frustrated when reading posts which give me the impression that single parents are not always sufficiently considering their kids best interests when making major life changes, almost always for the seeming sole benefit of parent's libido.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): I m clingy to my husband, I call him twice a day at work just to say hi, I need him, I guess I'm needy too, he is a great support for me, and I don't feel bad doing it. You are too hard on yourself, really.
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A
female
reader, Frustrated36 +, writes (9 January 2013):
Frustrated36 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay WOW! Back up! Just like one of my friends you have read into my post more then what is there. My late ex - boyfriend was not the father to my children. Nor was the state we were in our home state. My children have the same father and it was his choice 5 years ago to not be a part of their lives. Your comment does anger me because you are judging me. Don't Judge Anyone!You shouldn't say things that you don't know about because you don't have the facts. Secondly he's not a total stranger. I've known him and been close to him for over a year. I thought a lot about what this move would mean to my children/my family.I didn't make this post so I could be judged and lectured by people like you who jump to conclusions. You have no right to scold me like I'm a child.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): The depth and breadth of your selfishness is absolutely astonishing.
Assuming your late ex-boyfriend was father of at least one of your children, how could you rob them of any semblance of normalcy and stability they so desperately need by tearing them away from the lives they knew by moving them halfway across the country just so you could shack up with a total stranger?
They've suffered enough as it is, subjecting them to this additional trauma is unspeakably thoughtless and cruel, and all you can do is obsess over and whine about your love life, or lack thereof.
You need serious and intensive counselling; your very unfortunate children need that and a whole lot more.
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A
female
reader, Frustrated36 +, writes (9 January 2013):
Frustrated36 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJanniepeg, Thank you for your comment. I've been working very hard on understanding why I do the things I do, working on how to change the things that need changing, and getting to know who I really am. In only a few days time I've already learned so much about myself that I never knew. I have already begun to change my thinking patterns as well. I know everyone has needs but at the same time needs are different from being needy. I have come to realize that I don't need a guy in my life to complete me or make me feel better about myself. I can do these things on my own.His job doesn't require him to travel. He's a motorcycle tech and from time to time (maybe once a year) he will be required to classes to keep up with the changes in the industry. Where we currently live is his home state. My home state is about 600 miles from where we currently are. But I fell in love with a different state when my mom gave me the opportunity to move there.The way I see things now is that I have options. If we decide to work on our relationship and take things much slower, I will have the opportunity to have him in my life and enjoy him for who he is and get to know him better. On the other hand if things turn out that it's best we don't try to have a relationship now or ever, I will move back to the state I love and enjoy the state that I fell in love with 4 years ago. So either way I look at things there is an upside to it all. I didn't figure this out until last night before I went to bed.Don't get me wrong though, I'm still looking for advise or suggestions or even a pep talk to respond to my post.I thank you again Janniepeg for your input. :-)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 January 2013):
It is not wrong to have needs. We are as needy as our unmet needs. He is mourning for his wife, and he is in no way ready to have another relationship because he can't devote to anyone right now. His job also requires him to travel. Despite your efforts of travelling with two young children, you did not get the welcoming in another state. As I have said it's not wrong to have needs but being needy can cause you to make decisions like this without knowing too much about this guy. Being clingy and needy can make you live your life through a guy, it can make you get involved with whoever's available because you fear you can't find anyone better, sooner.
What you do now is decide if you can stay in this state even if this relationship doesn't work out. Either focus on establishing your life here, or move back if the future is not promising.
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