A
female
age
26-29,
*rangewriter96
writes:I’ve been married for almost three years, I’ve noticed as the few years have gone on my wife has begun to speak down to me, be condescending in arguments, and tells me I do things wrong (like simple things like cleaning or doing dishes or laundry) and if she doesn’t do it it won’t get done or won’t be done right. She get really frustrated quickly. I’m constantly walking on eggshells to not say or do the wrong things that will make her mad. I’m feel like giving up and walking away because of how stressed and depressed I’ve become. Any advice?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 October 2019):
 You got married very young. It's unfortunately unwise because it rarely lasts, since we naturally grow and change, but aren't always compatible after that. We're not typically our "adult" selves until 25+, so marrying before that is often riskier than after.
Walking away because of arguments is immature. You took vows. Unless there is abuse or similar, communication should ideally be tried first. If you feel unable to do this by yourself or you have tried repeatedly and aren't getting anywhere, you should try marriage counselling before giving up and calling it quits.
Talk to her calmly, not when an argument is starting. Ask her why she feels you are doing things wrong. Ask her if she'd like to switch chores. Ask her if she's struggling at work. Discuss things. Check in with each other. Explain how you feel without placing blame. If none of that works, see a therapist. If that doesn't work after 6 months or so, then leaving is probably the best option, but it shouldn't be the first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): You don't give any details.
She may be rightfully disappointed or she may be a bully.
The first thing is usually resolved with open communication and compromise.
The second thing, whatever the reason may be, if she doesn't won't to take responsibility for her behavior, usually ends in divorce.
My husband made me walk an eggshells and I was his enabler. But we managed to resolve this with therapy and better communication. It turned out that he was depressed and suffered from anxiety. In some people it manifests itself as aggression. I, on the other hand, had a serious problem with self-confidence.
But, before you decide anything ask yourself how you feel about your wife and what you want.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 October 2019):
 My gut instinct is that she sounds tired and frustrated. Does she work long hours? Do you work as well? Do you split the chores equally? Do you do things without being asked or do you make out you are doing her a favour by doing the dishes or taking out the rubbish?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): How did you survive your courtship and the first three years of marriage? Suddenly you can't handle your spouse and just want to walk-away?
Pump the brakes, sweetheart! You got married between the ages of 19-22! That's very young, and you were merely a kid! It is likely you're experiencing life in the real-world and living on your own as an adult for the first time.
Would your spouse be a few years older than you? I would suspect that is the case.
It seems you've married a perfectionist. A person who is fastidious and likes things just so. Someone who is probably an over-achiever, pushes herself; and comes from a family where her mother was overbearing, and did the same to her.
You may not be that proficient at housework, and that happens to be one of her pet-peeves. When you've lived with someone for a period of time; you start to discover their flaws, quirks, and imperfections. You learn their "ways" so to speak.
She can't always be lovey-dovey! You're an adult now. If you don't really apply yourself, and put your best behind what you do; sometimes our mates will be critical, or expect better from us. Nobody likes criticism, and if you were doing your very best; I don't think she'd have anything to complain about. Maybe you need to be pushed from time to time. We all do.
Rather than becoming stressed and depressed; you have to stop her and have a discussion about how she's making you feel. Helping you to improve on how you do things shouldn't be the problem; but the way she belittles and condescends to you in the process is. She is overbearing!
She is becoming your mother, instead of being your spouse; and you didn't marry her for that reason! You should firmly inform her of that, in those very words. You feel like you're living with a drill sergeant; and she's always on you about things. Ask her to stop being so consistently critical of everything you do; or she'll force you to stop loving her!
I recommend you to put it that way; so you'll get her attention.
By the same token, if you know you're a little slack about how you do things; use the constructive-criticism to improve on performing your share of the daily chores. Apply yourself, put yourself into it; and try to do your very best. Not for fear of her nagging and pressing on you; but out of pride in your ability to do things better than just average, or merely "okay." When you strive for excellence, you'll do the same on your job. You'll reap a greater reward in positive-feedback, and in personal-satisfaction.
You're cleaning the house and doing dishes for your own personal use. How would you feel as a guest at someone's home, they served you out of dirty glasses or set dirty silverware at the table? Would you eat out of plates with food-residue on them? Would you drink from a cloudy glass in a restaurant, or sleep on a messy bed in a hotel? Probably not!
You're young, you have many things you have to work through as a couple. You have to learn how to effectively communicate your needs and concerns. You have to stand-up for yourself as an equal in your partnership. She doesn't call all the shots. You're a team and partnership!
If you're passive or submissive, way too layback; and she's always in-charge, or the dominant partner in your relationship. You're giving her permission to be the boss of you. If she has to redo things you half-do, why doesn't she have a right to say something about it? We only get to hear one-side of this. I wonder what she has to say in her own defense?
Young people don't always do their best, sometimes just good enough to get by. You should aim for better to best, not perfection. Perfection is unachievable, and those who strive for it are often frustrated and neurotic. Let your mate know when she's pushing you too hard; and also remind her that you expect her to treat you lovingly, and with respect. If she doesn't, she will lose you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 October 2019):
 Have you talked about HOW she makes you feel?
Have you said, OK if I don't do it right, show me how you like it done?
Have you two set a schedule for chores? Who does them and when?
TALK to your spouse/partner before you just quit.
Though, I am suspecting there is more going on here?
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