A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This could end up being a long rant, but I will try to not give TOO many details. Basically I have had this friend for around 15 years. I first got to know her when I worked behind a bar, she would come in with her friends for lunch and we got chatting and met up for coffee and clicked.We would see each other maybe once every three weeks on average, sometimes a lot less, it would depend a lot on family and work commitments. But we do talk a lot on the phone.Over the past two to three years I have spent much more time with her and we have had more of a social life together. For the most part it is good and it is fun. But then she can really become quite cold, it's almost as if she flips and decides that she cannot be bothered with what I am saying or spending what she seems to define as her precious time listening to me or to other people. Listening, sharing and caring, though, are kind of prerequisites for most friendships. Or so I thought.Some examples. We were out with a mutual friend for coffee. Mutual friend has fibromyalgia and another chronic fatigue problem, and I had read some useful information about it. So I was busy sharing that with her and mutual friend was very interested. Friend suddenly shouts, in the middle of me talking "OMG I was sunbathing naked in the garden and the neighbour SAW ME!!! OMG what do you think about THAT???"We just sat in shock. Really bizarre. After derailing our conversation - in which she was free to contribute something relevant - and by no means excluded - she proceeded to bang on about herself. Something she seems to be rather fond of doing, as I am discovering.She has also complained about this mutual friend behind her back and called her whiney, entitled and negative.Last week I was really sick with a nasty bug and told her. We were talking on the phone. She changed the subject, spent half an hour complaining about her family, then talking about herself and how she needed to focus on herself more, then said she had been on the phone too long and had to go.I did not hear from her for over a week. She did not ask me how I was, did I need anything, nothing.By the way, she has zero commitments, no children, and does not work. Increasingly, I am noticing that the minute I bring anything up that is remotely negative, she shuts me down. The other day she did this as I was talking about a job offer which is really important to me and I have to make some major decisions. Actually a positive... But I have to fulfill specific requirements. As I was right in the middle of telling her about it, she shouted "ARGHHHH MY KEYYYYYYYYYYYYYS WHERE DID I PUT THEM ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..... oh THERE they are". Then started going on about something else... then stopped and said "Sorry, what was it you were saying?"Variations of the above have happened so often, that I have started to pull back from telling her anything about my life. I have also noticed that she is crude and always turning every conversation around to either sex or something sex-related. She seems to want to cheapen every interaction using the word shag all the time. She also seems to think that everything can be resolved and attracted merely by simply positive thinking instead of getting off your arse and taking action.I think the last straws came when I gave her birthday gifts and she did not thank me for them. She has not even mentioned them. I spent quite a lot of money (more fool me). Recently she also borrowed an expensive and rather beautiful book from me and has denied that I ever loaned it to her.We had talked about taking a holiday together. There is no way I could face two days with her now, never mind a week - but we were on the phone and had spent over an hour with me searching for a deal because she is not computer literate. She announced she was "fed up, it should not be THIS hard, its doing my head in AND I spend FAR too much time on the phone and my evening is gone AGAIN. I realise I need this time for MYSELF if I am going to change my life". WTAF??Whether this is abuse or not, there is something mentally wrong with this person. I guess I just wanted confirmation that I am not being unreasonable in wanting nothing more to do with her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): OP here again.
Thank you. She is currently ignoring my messages and well, pretty much showing me exactly what she really is.
I need her in my life like a hole in the head.
Thanks for listening!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 October 2019):
 Vent away.
Sometimes writing things down help give you clarity.
I think a solo vacation would be WAY more enjoyable than a stressful week with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2019): OP here.
Good grief... it seems to have all come to a head.
Despite wanting her space from phone conversations, she seems to have never stopped calling. I have been busy and not taking her calls.
Today she was ringing as I headed out to an appointment. Left a couple of messages calling me the "Scarlet Pimpernel". WTAF. Because I am not at her beck and call and have shit to do that does not involve her? Plus she said she was going to switch her phone OFF?
Ah but the reason is she has found the perfect hotel and holiday.... as several voicemails attest... and it is only 1000 pounds for two weeks and it is not until later on this year but what do I think and her family have been there and it is fantastic and bla bla bla...
I left her a message stating I did not have 1000 pounds to hand and that I was initially planing on a break before December. Her responses were that she was "disappointed, as she thought I had the money to hand". Only a few days ago, however, she was telling me 700 was too much...
After speaking to her, I think the whole friendship has taken its final nosedive without me even needing to say much else. After suggesting Spain... and various resorts etc.. and how one lovely thing about Spain is the olives... she made a vomiting sound and made sure I know she hates olives. And that Spain will not be hot enough. Now she is making a big deal about food, she is a super picky eater and HATES fish, will not eat steak, will not eat burgers... and HATES paella....
I suggested self-catering, that her suggestion of all-inclusive is quite ludicrous as she has no idea what will be on offer. Oh no... when she last went away over 20 years ago, there was EVERYTHING on offer in these other places and the ones I suggested ONLY offer paella and fish.
I don't think I have met anyone quite so contrary. I was engaged to a fussy eater once, but that soon changed as he was willing to try new things.
Her last message was abrupt and cold. I think she can probably tell I have had enough. She will also eat foods she claims to have a severe allergy to, then complain that she is not well... and laugh about it.
I am not dealing with someone who is right in the head, and after today, that is becoming patently clear. Her requirements are just ridiculous. Guarantee of NO rain whatsoever, no foreign foods... She would be better off going to Blackpool and eating pizza and chips washed down with some hideous pop and a few bars of bloody chocolate afterwards. The only reason she likes the idea of the hotel her family went to is the waiters serving chocolates by the pool. For all she fucking knows, she could hate everything on offer in the restaurant.
She can f... off there on her own then. I am done....
Thank you for letting me rant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2019): Typo correction:
"Your rant is an indication that you're really over this woman; and just can't figure-out how to cut her loose."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2019): Unlike romantic-partnerships, you can take nice long breaks from "friends." There are times when you do get saturated and overwhelmed with certain quirks and character-flaws that just rub you the wrong-way. You're spending too much time together; meanwhile, time and age is changing both of you. You're less tolerant of her crassness.
Once upon a time, you were tolerant of each others quirks and peculiarities; because you were younger, and more focused on the more fun-loving and exciting aspects of your personalities. You just focused on those things you shared in-common, and anything related to just having a good-time.
Now you're older. You pay more attention to character, you behave yourself, and you're more discerning. She's probably not much different than she used to be; but now you're finding those once funny quirks totally obnoxious. Now she has become a total annoyance. What once was a fast and furious lifestyle, has slowed-down to a more adult and mature pace. You're not in your carefree 20's and early-30's anymore!
Time to ease-off, or abruptly cut-ties. Whichever way is most effective.
If you don't hear from her for weeks at a time, enjoy the peace and quiet. Ignore her calls when she shows-up on your caller ID; unless you're in the mood. Your rant is an indication that you're really over this women; and just can't figure-out how to cut her loose. I guess she's likely to track you down and give you a thrashing.
Ya gotta grow a backbone, girlfriend!
She doesn't bite her tongue when she's got something to say! Which it seems, is the very problem you have with her! I doubt telling her would be very productive, it would more likely start a row. Just distancing yourself slowly will give her that time she needs to "focus on herself!"
Frazzled-nerves will finally push you to the brink. You'll reach the last straw, and courage will come out of nowhere! Your rant is the calm before the storm!
Don't spend too much time complaining about her. Grow a backbone and deal with it. You're tired of the friendship and scared to break it off. Well, you've outgrown the friendship; and she's getting on your nerves more than giving you a warm fuzzy feeling these days.
If you don't have the nerve to face-up to her and cut her loose; then just stop taking her calls. When you do, keep the conversations short. If she gets into one of her fits, don't hang-on...say bye-bye gotta go!!! She'll catch your drift.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): You are lucky that this friend of yours is not someone you cannot get rid of. Sorry to be so blunt. She is not your sister. She is just someone who had been an acquaintance for a long time and with whom you have started spending more time for 2-3 years.She seems to have some pretty annoying narcissist traits. You are also lucky that she doesn't make any effort in trying to hide it. That would have made your situation difficult. Imagine that she is doing what she is doing, BUT that she keeps saying how grateful she is for your friendship, how much she appreciates your gifts etc.I have an old family friend from childhood who is a narcissist. I cannot tell you how many times people asked me, her friends too, how the hell I am putting up with her. Well, I have known her all of my life and her family has always put pressure on me to just be there for her. And for the sake of our families I do... I managed to set some boundaries but it is hard.You do not have this pressure! So just, as Honeypie has suggested, end it slowly and without drama.These people NEVER change. They rarely do even with therapy. After 40 years of friendship, my friend calls me this afternoon, supposedly to see how I am doing. Here's what she says: So, tell me how you are... (I start telling her but she continues over me)... I had a temperature and... the silliest thing happened yesterday...That "silliest thing" is why she really called - to retell what had happened to her and to relive it over again.Take it from me, it will get WORSE over time or you will constantly have to make efforts to reaffirm your boundaries. It is exhausting. She spent last Christmas with my family. I wanted to scream. I was so tired when she left, my immune system was so down I was sick for the following two months! But when she tried to invite herself over again this year, I told her no. She tried to convert that "no" into a "yes", but I stood my ground. As I said, it's tiring. Honestly, when her mom dies, I think I'll find a way to deal with this, because the situation these people put us in if we let them is pretty stressful.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (9 October 2019):
 What do you get from this friendship?
I ask because I have a very close friend who can be a bit like yours. She works alone from home so has nobody to vent to during her normal working day. As soon as we meet up or get on the phone, which we do regularly, she will go off on one about someone or something which has upset her and can do this to the exclusion of any other conversation. I have been friends with her for years, and will hopefully be so for many more years, for two reasons:
1. She is always there for me whenever I need her. She has supported me selflessly through some shitty times. She helps out practically in other ways when needed. I do the same for her.
2. I have learned to cope with her negative venting with humour. Obviously there are some things you CANNOT laugh about but there are so many that you can. For instance, when she was complaining about the neighbours' kids sticking their fingers through knot holes in the fence between the gardens and goading her dogs into barking while she was trying to work, I would make ridiculous suggestions like "smear honey on top of the panels so the wasps keep the kids in the house" or "wait till one sticks his finger through a hole and grab it hard, barking so he thinks it's the dogs". We always ended up laughing and would bounce off each other with increasingly more ridiculous "solutions" to whatever the problem was.
If you are no longer getting ANYTHING good out of this friendship, then it is time to slowly phase your friend out of your life. Like her, you have better things on which to spend your time. It's sad but true that conversation is a dying art these days. If you listen in on "conversations" around you, they very often consist of person 1 saying something about themselves, then person 2 saying something about themselves. It is like two separate soliloquies going on at the same time, with no interaction between the two. I have cut loose from a number of friends who only seem capable of such "conversations".
Never feel you have to justify leaving a friendship if it no longer gives you pleasure.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 October 2019):
I would just slowly phase her out.
One thing though. While venting is great, I can understand people who RATHER not have daily phone conversations about negative stuff, it IS a mood killer. And some people bang on and on about the SAME negative thing over and over... I have to admit I have BEEN one of those negative people until a friend told me straight up to work on that. And I did. There might be things that are negative in life - of course there are, but talking about them over and over only drags you and the other person down.
You friend seems like she is a bit of an attention-wh*** so when the subject is NOT about her, she simply isn't interested (regardless of whether it's negative or not). Some people are like that, SELFISH.
She doesn't HAVE to consider ANYONE in her daily life. She doesn't have kids or a job which means SHE always comes first. Not the kids, not work obligations, so it's NOT so surprising that she doesn't put your sick friend or you first either.
I'd take a page from her play book and when SHE moans about something or talks ONLY of her, change subject on her.
DO NOT go on vacation with her. That sounds like a nightmare in the making.
I wouldn't call her behavior abuse. YOU can hang up the phone and walk away. Abuse is way more detrimental than a selfish woman.
If you feel YOU are not getting anything out of this friendship, you are FREE to end it. YOU get to decide who is in your life (for the most part) and who is not.
I would just start to be unavailable, be super busy. I'd guess she would get fed up and move on. Less drama that way.
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