A
female
age
41-50,
*9agegap
writes:Need adviceMy bf is 32, i'm 27 and we've been together for almost a year. We are great together, we make each other laugh, spend a lot of time together, met each other's families and friends and basically all the ingredients of a good relationship. The problem is, we have different mid term goals. I want to settle down soon while he doesn't. I hope to get married in 2-3 years, while he told me he's definitely not going to get married in 2 years, and not sure how long before he's ready to settle down. He is relocating to another country. Told me that I can do whatever I want, to follow him or not. I thought about it and decided to follow him. He said he is happy, however, when I asked if we're going to stay together...he said not yet. To me, that sounds like he still has issues regarding settling down, even moving in together. And I don't think I can be in a relationship where it's not going anywhere. I asked him about it around our 6month together and he said no way he's going to know if he's going to marry someone in 6months. He loves things the way they are now and do not see why the need to rush things. Which makes sense for him too. However, I feel that just can't be totally with a guy if we do not see a common goal. This issue is always at the back of my mind and makes me depressed at times. I'm thinking of bringing this up again sometime in future. Problem isa) when would be a good time to ask this question? 6m might not too short to ask for a commitment...1 year? 2 years? b) should i even ask him these questions? Some pple think i'm pressurizing him but I do not want to be the girl who waits for him for 4 years and at the end of it he still does not want to settle down and I would have wasted 4 best years of my lifec) i'm thinking i can compromise for him, as in we try to align our goals. I can wait to settle down in 3-4 years and see if he can see himself settled down byt hen. Is this reasonable?d) if not, I think I should leave him.....should i?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 April 2008):
 His future is not certain as he will be relocating to another country.
He cannot give you a definite answer as he cannot be sure of the future.
I think this is what is holding him back.
He does not have the confidence .
What he told you is valid for now but in the near future,
he may change his views when the situation or circumstances changed.
That is the risk you will have to take if you want to stick with him.
You can give yourself a time period , say 1 or 2 years from
now and if there is no improvements , then you leave.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Also, I would like to say that Ask_Oldersister had it right when she said this:
"... the more you compromise from here, the less he will want you..." That's right. Because, my dear, when you asked the question, he knew you wanted to marry, and he knew he had dodged the bullet that time. Nowadays he knows you will wait for him. And he supposes you will follow him. If you don't go, he will find someone else there; if you do, well, he won't have lost anything at all. If he wants to leave, he will leave. And, if you get tired of waiting, he will still claim that he gave you fair warning. You can't win, dear. You can only hope he will want to marry you, and that might not happen. What's more, I don't think it ever will. I'm sorry to say it, but you need a sincere opinion.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (5 April 2008):
It is true that six months could be little time for someone to make up his or her mind about marrying. However, what I see here is that he's not into you, poster. I'm sorry to say it, but that's the truth. I can imagine that he might not be ready to know whether he will marry you or not, but his saying that you can either follow him or not tells me that he doesn't really care that much whether you are with him or not. It's like the same thing for him. That would make me leave a person.
I don't think you should go abroad. He is pursuing his own interests, and is not giving anything up for you. You, on the other hand, would give in indeed. That doesn't seem fair to me.
Maybe it's my Hispanic soul, but, if I had lived with a girl for one year, I would already know whether I would marry her or not. If you had asked me that question, I would keep that fact in my memory. I would assume that you're giving me more time, and I would also know that I'd better give you an answer soon if I didn't want you to leave me. I wouldn't say that I don't care if you stay or go, unless I really didn't care about your staying. I wonder if I make myself clear with this last sentence.
You're in your prime, dear. You will never again be as pretty and ripe for love and life as you're now. If I were you, I would leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): I hate to tell you this, but I do think you have pressurized him about a commitment and I agree with him that 6 months in is too early to know if he sees the two of you getting married, for sure.
Really it seems to me that you have an agenda, you are 27, your friends have probably gotten married and you hear your biological clock ticking. You seem to have more of a job opening to fill, Husband, instead of wanting to be with this particular man because he is the ONE. H really needs to be the person asking you for the commitment, not the other way around, at least not after only less than a year of dating....if had been two years and he hadn't proposed, then it would be time to start asking and start exiting....but if you feel that he should know by know and doesn't then make your exit and get on with your life.
Relax, you are not that old, you can still get married and have kids in the next few years, but I am not suggesting that you follow this guy for "not yet" living arrangement to a foreign country, that is just insane! Why would you seperate yourself from everything and everyone you know to go off with him without a commitment from him? He doesn't care what you do and has told you so....where in this statement is there something here for you in his future plans?
Honestly, I don't think this man is in marriage mode, he isn't ready to marry with anyone and certainly not with you. If you want to move to a foreign country and have a friend along, then move, if you don't and are just following him hoping he will change his mind then don't do that to yourself....Get your own life with your own goals, and someone will fall in line with you when it is right for both of you.
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