A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, to start off, I haven't dated anyone or pursued anyone in any way for over a year now, but recently, I have been thinking about getting back into the dating world now that things have been going great in my life as far as my health and financial situation are concerned. I'm a little rusty, but I think I'm in a good place to start a relationship now because I know what I want in one for the most part, but more importantly what I don't want. There are quite a few roadblocks keeping me from moving forward with these plans, however. I'm a lesbian and I live in a pretty conservative town right now. With my last relationship, I live in a town where most were pretty accepting or didn't care at all so I felt really safe being out and even pursuing women freely with my only fear being getting turned down. Now that I've move here, I have not been able to make any connections with the gay community and fear backlash because it's not uncommon to hear/see homophobia being expressed openly and being welcomed. On top of that, I'm pretty busy now that I've been promoted in my job. Surprisingly, dating apps have proved useless as there aren't many women seeking women openly in my area, and most of the options on apps strike me as fake profiles.I do have a coworker that has been sending confusing signals and I'm not sure how to move forward with her. While I'm not out at my job, I've always been pretty flirtatious, but most people take it as just my sense of humor. There is a girl I see around work but don't work close with as we're in different areas of work, different building even. But when I do see her, we make great conversation and have gotten close over the past few months. She mentioned that she broke up with her immature boyfriend a while back and that she is "done with guys for now". Now, as a lesbian, I know that what it originally sounded like to me is probably completely different than what she meant by those words, so I just nodded and moved along. But even more recently, she has been seeming really flirty. She asked me for my number at a party our company had and stuck to me during the event, possibly due to shyness sense she's mentioned she's gets anxious. It's mostly just a lot of small things that have raised flags in my mind, which normally does not happen. I've tried ignoring them, but now that we've gotten closer and my interest in dating has resurfaced, it's hard to deny that I'm interested in her. I don't mind staying friends with her of course, she's really nice after all, but I'd at least like to know if she's interested in me, or any woman for that matter. To make my question(s) more clear, I would like help with three things:1. How do I get back into the dating scene as a lesbian in a conservative town that will likely not be so accepting?2. Should I pursue things with my work associate even though it may potentially expose me to danger?3. If so, how do I go about pursuing her in a way that won't out me if she's straight? Is that even possible?Thanks in advance for the advice, and feel free to be fairly blunt in answering. I'd like honest opinions on my situation.
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broke up, co-worker, flirt, immature, lesbian, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 January 2018):
 I think it is a really bad idea pursuing a co-worker, even if she is interested in women it could all still go horribly wrong and you would need to face each other on a daily basis. Do all your family and friends know that you are a lesbian? I would start there and be open and honest about who you are, it would be a huge weight off your shoulders. Then maybe try looking elsewhere, are there no bars and clubs near your town you could visit to meet new people?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 December 2017):
 I would NOT pursue the coworker. After all, it WILL get very awkward if she isn't into women.
If a straight woman says;" I'm done with guys, for now!" That doesn't mean they will now try women. It means they are done with DATING for a while. If a gay woman said:" I'm done with women, for now!" doesn't mean they are even THINKING about trying a guy instead. Right?
So don't read more into what she said, even if it does seem to suit YOUR agenda.
Asking for your phone number is MORE than likely her wanting to be friends.
So, no do not pursue her as a romantic option.
Be her friend. As you two get to know each other I think it will be clear what her orientation is.
Look into various meetup groups NOT just in your town but in your area. Meeting more people will "give" you access to more variety. Which means if dating sites doesn't work, meeting people could.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (25 December 2017):
I'm about as inexperienced as it gets when it comes to lesbian dating, but as a man if I liked her I'd test the water to see if she's open minded.
Ask her a few questions that will show her political views, perhaps talk about current events that will reveal her views about marriage equality. It don't have to be an interrogation-ask about Ellen Degeneres, Cara Delavigne or something equally hetro friendly. Perhaps by mentioning in passing coded lesbian issues-phrases like ' dating is tough etc, so few of my 'type' out there' you can gauge her attitude to and knowledge of them and yet still be able to maintain plausible deniability of your orientation if the conversation doesn't go as planned.
I can't begin to know how hard lesbian dating is so forgive me if this is a little basic- I can't help at all with the dating in a conservative town thing except to say keep the apps running in the background if you're in a group where meetings are few and far between you should maximize your chances of knowing when someone is in the neighborhood. Good luck!
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