A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My cousin sent me an email with a link to a Facebook group the other day.She often does this, so I thought nothing of it (she lives in the U.S., I live here in Canada; she's an expat; I just moved provinces).It was the content of the Facebook group that was upsetting; it named my husband explicitly and there were claims from eight different women across the world that my husband was the father of their kids.A lot of the discussion was centered around "My daughter wants to know who her daddy is", or "My kids have never seen their dad".There was a lot of serious discussion on there; it felt like reading a different site.There was also embarrassing pictures from one of the women; a selfie of her and my husband wearing bikinis together in a hotel room hot tub while she was cuddling him (and it looked downright weird) with a caption "This man has a bikini fetish and then gets with you for a kid and abandons you. RUN THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"Under American law he's a public figure, well, a low-profile public figure, but he's well-known in public life in my area of the GTA in Toronto.Apparently the women concerned are from Australia, Sweden, Italy, England, China and Belgium.My husband is a businessman and has to (until recently, for obvious reasons) travel for his job; he can't do his job now, as it can't be done over Zoom or any remote conferencing software and he occasionally handles dangerous/sensitive materials (in both senses of the word; both documents and sensitive chemicals/other things).He is high-profile, but in our area, not so much globally, though.I don't know how to discuss the topic with him and I expect things to get heated.As it is, we already have a 7-year-old daughter Sarah (pseudonym for privacy), and he's (when he's here) a great dad to her.My issue is now more of a trust issue, when things get back to normal I worry about trusting him when he's able to go abroad again for business travel.He can't work from home due to the nature of his job and the pandemic, so is effectively de facto furloughed... but he's a freelancer.I thought our 13-year marriage was good and am wondering if marrying at 24 was really such a good idea now, even though I have my daughter, and also questioning if my husband was the right choice.I don't know how much is true and how much is people wanting to get something from him.If, and just if, eight women really have proof he's the father, how's he going to cope with this?Not financially... despite us living a wealthy-ish existence (I was working in a McDonalds when we met, drove an old 2004 Ford Taurus and lived in an apartment in Toronto and wasn't used to wealthy people when he met me) I worry about returning back to a lower-budget lifestyle and not being able to get the best of everything (sounds snobbish, but my husband's wealth has got advantages).I married my husband based on his personality, not his wealth; when we first met, it wasn't obvious he was extremely rich as he drove an old Ford Explorer SUV (I've always been into cars, but am not a tomboy, before anyone thinks that) and was in a tracksuit; this was in a McDonald's drive-thru I worked in at the time.I really love my husband and thought our marriage was good, I'm basically a woman who's able to not need to work due to my husband being wealthy, but I'm worried about the future (and covid doesn't come into it here).If he has, and really has, cheated on me, I don't think I've got the support network to cope if it ends; mom and Dad live in London (England, not the one here!), my cousin Carly lives in Los Angeles so I can't see her, and my only real friends are the ones I met through my husband's social circle. Zara (not her real name), 33, is extremely rich and at first I thought it'd be a struggle to get on with her due to our extremely disparate backgrounds; I grew up in a low-class area in Toronto (not really poor, but in the 2000s,driving a beater Honda Civic and working a low-paid job in a supermarket/McDonalds), Zara grew up in a rich Italian-Canadian family in the Greater Toronto area and has two homes; one in Vancouver, one here in the GTA. But we've both got similar personalities and interests so somehow it managed to work.Zara's my only really good friend now, and she's broken up with her boyfriend as he decided to end things (she told me that his claims she called him obese were nonsense and that he was growing paranoid, not about her, but that everyone was spying on him, and anti-vaxxer conspiracy, so had to end it).I don't see much of my social circle from when I was around 16-23 now; my best friend Allison moved to work in Texas and I don't see her much, the last time we really spoke was 2008, 2014 and then August 2019.My point is, I'm questioning my whole lifestyle and don't know how to cope with the revelation about my husband.It feels as if I don't know my husband well and never really knew him and wonder what other unsettling things will come out about him.I'm torn about divorcing him as I don't know if these are true or malicious allegations; nothing on the Facebook page suggested it was malicious.This is a big question for me and although I've only really got one good friend to turn to, I don't know who else to talk to on things.What should I do now, and also am I wrong to worry about finances even though we're a wealthy couple, and I'm usually the one in charge of financial decisions, even if my husband claims its 50/50 (he has financial advisors to do this for him) especially if we split?Am I really wrong to question everything about our life so far during this 13-year marriage?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2021): I can only say "them's some tough breaks!" It appears your husband wasn't fully vetted before you up and married him. I will take your word that his wealth wasn't a consideration when you married him; but straight-men who travel for a living often have women in every port. It's feasible to believe he comes with a past! You even admit you never really knew your husband. Then exactly why were you so quick to marry him???
Your post reads like a novel; so I'll carefully consider it's authenticity and sincerity, because some people are quite creative with their stories. I'll just say it's not uncommon for OP's to embellish, or to lie altogether. Trying-out or showing-off their skills at creative-writing. Let's give you full benefit of the doubt. Let's say the majority of what's written is true; or only some of it might be fictional, or embellished. We do reserve the right to test or question the credibility of the author; so please try not to take offense, insulting you is not the intention. As you have a right to publish your post in a public forum, I have a right to express my skepticism. You can totally ignore or refute my every word. It's fine with me!
You have to go by how you've been treated and what kind of a father he is to your child. Has he been considerate, faithful to your knowledge, and a good man by all accounts and considerable evidence?
People do change, and attempt to redeem themselves from the sins of their past-lives. If you've been happy and content, don't let these women ruin your marriage. Of them all, he chose to marry YOU!
If nothing but scum continues to rise to the surface, you better lawyer-up...and fast, girlfriend!
If he had a questionable or sketchy-past that you were aware of before you married him; then nothing should come as any surprise. We can only assume there's more hidden under that rock, than you even bothered to look for in the beginning. Maybe he appeared all flash and cash, and you got blinded! You have to take him for what who he is; now that you've exchanged vows with him, and lived as husband and wife these past several years. Unless there have been several cases of suspicious impropriety, or a few incidents bearing incriminating-evidence; maybe you have reason to fight for your marriage.
You should bear this in-mind. If any of these women aren't seeking any legal recourse to legitimize their otherwise slanderous allegations; it's no reflection on you, or your husband. You both might be victims of an online smear-campaign; and opportunists are jumping on the bandwagon.
It just doesn't seem legitimate to make unsubstantiated claims over the internet; rather than seeking legal recourse to obtain court-ordered child-support. Nothing is certain without paternity tests; and up to now, why haven't there been papers served by attorneys informing of pending legal-action? Which you haven't mentioned regarding any of these women.
Why did they all have unprotected-sex with a foreign-guy they knew traveled for a living? If their online-claims are as catty as you've described; they don't sound too much like victims of anything excepted sleeping with a player! They have the legal means to demand any unpaid "court-ordered" child-support if he's a runner. If they don't have any recourse, what good is going on Facebook to make claims he'll either deny or ignore? They might ruin him, but they better have their legal ducks in a row if it turns-out this is all a big ruse! He can retain a lawyer in their perspective countries; and seek litigation, or have them investigated. If he takes no action at all, I'd wonder why if I were you?
If his past has caught-up with him, there's really hardly anyway to confirm if any of what you're seeing isn't some kind of a scam, or fraudulent stunt by some disgruntled exes.
I just find it difficult to believe so many woman in so many countries have just so happened to have found him; and would risk liable and slander suits, before filing paternity suits and seeking their own compensatory damages. Without even presenting any proof by DNA tests to be so certain he's the father of their children! Not all allegations made by women of men fathering their kids are true; and Facebook would seem to be the last place they'd want to expose their personal-business! They may as well go on the "Maury Povich Show!" Seems a court of law would be a more appropriate venue to file and express their grievances!
Without proof, He has plausible deniability in any case. If he is as high-profile, or a public-figure as you've indicated; it is quite plausible this is just a ring of scorned-females on a defamation of character campaign. If it's all true, you've learned all this after the fact. You've been married without incident for the past seven years or so. You have the options to stand by your man, or file for divorce.
Factoring your financial-security as a reason to stay with your husband sort of seems contradictory; in spite of the renunciation that you didn't marry him for his money. Be that the case, it wouldn't need to be mentioned or disclaimed; people are going to suspect it to be so, regardless. Since you even bothered to mention he's well-known with money. However minimal or substantial it could be. It certainly wasn't held against him! Rich-guys are often playboys before they settle-down! If they're spreading their seed everywhere they make a stop; it's quite appropriate to say you reap what you sow!
I can suggest a couple of things. You can completely ignore it; or, seek whatever legal-protection or action you can. Allegations so broadly publicized demand some sort of action. I recommend that you consult a divorce attorney; and determine what your legal-rights are in protection of you and your child, if you feel financially-compromised, vulnerable, and under threat by these women.
In any event, I think hubby has some bigtime 'splaining to do!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2021): DNA tests for all the children . When you get the results then you will know what you must do.
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A
female
reader, Letlovelead  +, writes (1 March 2021):
I understand how you feel. Marriage is full of ups and downs. You should confront your husband in a nice way. Instead of confronting him in an accusation tone, you can talk to him gently. Precisely when he's not stressed up or in a good mood.
Tell him what you've seen and heard. Ask him if he knows those women and if what they said was true.
But ask yourself this; if he admits to all those then what next? Will you forgive him and start all over with him? Or you would want move your separate ways??
Communication is a key in marriage. Let him know how you feel.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2021):
 For most married women I would advise you to TALK to your husband..
But........... And it' a big but...
If there are 8 women claiming this, could there be some truth to it?
First how old is the Facebook group? When was it created? If it's new, it could be fake. But again, who would fake that? Why would anyone fake that?
The picture of him in the hot tub - try reverse search it. If it looks hinky. It might give you more info and date.
If you really think it IS him (if there is more than one picture with the allegations) you might want to consult a divorce lawyer first.
I'd print out everything you can from the Facebook website to bring to the lawyer.
If he was out there knocking up women left and right, he was having UNPROTECTED sex all over the World. This means he put YOU at risk for STI'STD's as well as fathered kids he is not financially taking care of.
What I don't get is why they have not sued for paternity. If they know his name, country of origin they CAN go through their own countries' versions of Child support services, and their country will contact (in your case) Canada and seek him out to PAY. (at least the ones from Europe). (The Hague Child Support Convention and Foreign Reciprocating Countries)
They know his name, have pictures, and can easily do a paternity test. (not sure if Canada can compel him though, that is a legal matter but I believe Canada will fall under The Hague Child Support Convention and Foreign Reciprocating Countries as well).
Whether you are entitled to 50/50 or not, well that is up to the courts. And if you get a GOOD lawyer.
While I get you now live a better lifestyle is the material good WORTH being cheated on? It is worth you being put at risk for STDs/STIs?
How can you trade your life like that? Are you worth so little? That you can be bought and treated with so little regard and respect?
And if these women get organized and smart, they might take him for a LOT of money, which means less for you and YOUR child.
You aks:
"If, and just if, eight women really have proof he's the father, how's he going to cope with this?"
WHO cares?! If he fathered 8 other kids he needs to MAN up and take care of them financially!
Then there is having a support network. Well, it IS nice to have one but there are plenty of women BEFORE you who had to do it on their own, and there will be plenty in the future too. While I get that isn't super helpful, there are times you only have YOURSELF to rely on.
I'm sorry you are in this position.
I can see why your cousin sent you the link. As much as it sucks for you.
YOU have to decide your own path now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2021): I find your story really weird.
I don't know if you are in shock or what, but you're priorities are not straight.
You need to do all the medical tests ASAP. You have no idea what STDs your husband might have given you. I don't know if he fathered all the children and how these women have figured it out, but from what yous aid he did have sex with them. So you do the math.
Nobody who lies and cheats can ever be a "great dad" to his kids. Period. Absent fathers cannot be "great dads" when they're around. Even uncles need to be present in order to be "great uncles".Time spent with kids is the only thing that counts.
You need to get a lawyer and get your documents AND finances in order. God knows what others surprises are waiting for you. I understand that you are worried about your finances, but it wouldn't surprise me that even on that front things are not as they seem.
You are totally dependent on him, I bet you have no idea how much money you really have and what sorts of debts.
Put as much money as you can on YOUR bank account and don't let him access it.
See a doctor and get a lawyer!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2021): In a situation like this you MUST NOT discuss this with your husband until you have seen a LAWYER first.
You are the innocent party, here. IF your husband really is as duplicitous as these Facebook posts suggests, he will bend over backwards to protect his financial assets if he knows you intend to divorce him.
You have expressed an interest in keeping your lifestyle as it is. Fair enough. BUT there's a good chance you will lose it, if you naively try to talk to your husband before seeing a lawyer.
Find the best lawyer you can, who will advise you how to 'get your ducks in a row'. If you have no support network, your lawyer can also help you to make a claim to pay for a professional counsellor, paid for by your husband, if you divorce and to help you to overcome the extreme shock and trauma his behaviour has caused.
My instinct is that there's truth to what's being posted. It feels like it has real basis. You will do well to understand that your husband effectively selected you from the 'low class' lifestyle you had because: a) You would automatically be very naive as to how a man in his position would be operating and he could therefore take advantage of your naivety b) Many, many WEAK and WEIRD men focus on money and power to disguise their weaknesses AND they honestly get a power kick through feeling like they are rescuing helpless women - it's not honorable at all, all they are doing is feeding their own ego. This is what he's done with you. And along with that goes the other weird stuff about fetishes and impregnating women then abandoning them - this stuff is all connected to feeling powerful and domineering. HE WON'T CHANGE.
SEE A LAWYER AND WORRY ABOUT SETTING UP YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK ONCE YOU GET YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION SORTED - GET THE BEST LAWYER YOU CAN TO MAKE A CLAIM ON YOUR HUSBAND'S ESTATE AND FILE FOR DIVORCE.
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