A
female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:I am currently getting over a guy and need opinions to see if Im on the right track.My problem is, when Im in his spotlight, he showers me with attention/texts/flirting and Im happy. When he ignores me, which is most of the time, including right now, Im depressed. He has never treated me right and it felt wrong from the very beginning and Im moving on slowly. So I havent spoken to him in forever and am now having a lapse in judgement for being so distant probably because im lonely. Being away from him makes me very depressed and lonely and upset most of the time. However, the times we've been intimate, I never felt pleasure but instead, the hurt and pain from all the mean things he's done in the past and things he's said/girls he's slept with behind my back.Am I right for taking distance? If so, then why do I feel so devestated and need to talk to him? How can I get over my feelings cause time only makes me question them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): You are most certainly right for moving on! If he was unfaithful, you dont need that! And you have to trust your intuition. If something doesnt feel right then it most likely isnt. I am dealing with that problem now. I have come to realize that it is just companionship that I want, not this guy. And for some silly reason I am willing to put up with a bunch of crap to get this half assed companionship. You are worth more than he is willing to offer. Move on and make your life better!
A
male
reader, Shipwreckd  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 You're beyond right for distancing yourself. This guy is toxic and you're feeling the pangs of what it's like to break off from a toxic relationship. (Google: EMOTIONAL ABUSE.) They suck even more than breaking off from healthy relationships. He likely manipulates and verbally abuses you if I have my guesses right.
Distance yourself far far away. Rely on your circle of friends. Don't rush into a new relationship until you've healed from this one. To summarize focus on YOU and what makes you happy. Don't fall into the co-dependent trap of thinking that you NEED someone else to make you happy.
I understand that you're lonely and that these feelings come up. It's natural and part of the healing process. acknowledge the feelings and what is triggering them. write them down on paper and get them out of your head. Just remember that when you allow this guy into your life to manipulate your emotions, you re-open the wound you're trying to heal.
True love comes along when we least expect it...and sometimes when we least want it!
Keep your chin up. you'll be okay. You're doing the right thing.
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A
female
reader, salcantar +, writes (4 March 2009):
 I think you are on the right track.. sometimes when we shower men with attention and they know this is important to us... they seem to part from us or distance themselves but hun flip the coin on them.. do not talk to him and or give him importance, this if he loves you will make him react in your favor making him give you more attention, the more they feel they are loosing you the more closer they wanna b. If he is to be yours he will come to u on his own... try to focus on other things things that make you feel good. and happy in his eyes, if he knows something is bothering u and its b/c of him he will keep not paying attention to you... but if he is trying to ignore you and you pay no attention to it trust me he's gonna start to wonder why it has no affect on you and come back.. the way you want him in your finger tips.. REMEMBER if its not ment to be its not gonna b.. so try the other fish in the sea!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): Have some courage and confidence in your decision to move on from this man! Your happiness and self-respect demand that you recognize the fact that your self-worth does not depend on him!I don't know, but I am tempted to wonder if your "need" to talk to him and feelings of desolation mightn't stem from the fact that you know that getting involved in him in the first place was a very bad idea and now you just might have a lurking suspicion (possibly only half-conscious) that in talking to him you can somehow show him how wrong he is to treat you the way he did? Give it some thought.Plus, you are lonely. What other friends do you have? Do you belong to a church/synagogue or other organization where people your age get together to socialize? Might be worth looking into. What kind of hobbies, activities do you enjoy? How about your job? Get-togethers with family? Does doing a bit of volunteer work appeal to you? There's lots of opportunities for it.Perhaps also it would be a very good idea to find a counsellor you can trust with whom you can explore your feelings and concerns.Probably not a good idea to think of dating just yet: sounds like you need to get over this man before you dip your toe in the dating pool again.......Good luck!
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