A
male
age
36-40,
*watkins
writes:Hi thereI have not had sex on a regular basis in over 6 years, I have recently started dating a girl, and have been putting off sex because of performance issues, in bed I can only last a few seconds. I am terrified, and embarrassed, what can I do to last longer? With my previous partner, I was fine, lasting about 15 minutes. Any help is really appreciated
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (30 January 2011):
Hi. I being a woman, can only comment on the issue of anxiety - because of my gender only.
Although certainly, anxiety affects the time to ejaculate anyway. But the other part of the problem, is the physiological side - the physical cause.
One thing I suggest you could also do, is to research on the internet, on how to delay the male orgasm.
There is just so much information on the internet, I am quite sure that you can find some very helpful news on specifically the issue of slowing down the time for a man to reach orgasm.
Researching it, could help you find some specific techniques that will purposefully delay the time for you to reach orgasm. Techniques you can practise yourself at home till the point where you feel comfortable and confident as well, when it comes to actual making love with a woman.
I strongly suggest you try doing this. It is important, and I believe you will find the rest of the solution.
The two combined - lessening anxiety, plus techniques for slowing orgasm, will provide the answers.
Once you find the way to ease this issue, it will also affect your general self esteem in every other part of your life - not just sex, everything.
A
male
reader, gwatkins +, writes (30 January 2011):
gwatkins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I just wanted to cover all bases. Thank you again, I will work on my anxiety, and hopefully sex can become enjoyable again, instead of terrifying.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (29 January 2011):
Hi. I don't think there is such a thing as an overly sensitive penis. All penises are sensitive around the head, especially.
The anxiety is more the problem than anything else.
If you remove the anxiety, you also remove the early ejaculation.
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A
male
reader, gwatkins +, writes (28 January 2011):
gwatkins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your excellent answer. In regards to masturbation, I do that regularly, 4-5 times a week, sometimes every night if I'm feeling really lonely, I generally masturbate without lubricant, and on the (very rare) occasion I do get to have sex, it feels so amazing that I lose all control, and wham! A few seconds later the show is over. I see now that my anxiety will be a factor in my performance, but could there be an issue with an overly sensitive penis? If it matters, I am un circumcised.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 January 2011):
Hi there. Fifteen minutes or more, is about the usual time to ejaculate. Men can come much sooner than this during masturbation, but around about 15-20 minutes during sex is about average.
It seems that the bigger problem for you, is not so much that you reach orgasm too early, but more, it's your anxiety towards it.
The more you worry about it the worse it becomes, and eventually to the point where you can't even get or sustain an erection. That would be far worse.
You say with your last partner, you were lasting about 15 minutes before ejaculation. This was 6 years ago.
So my next question is what happened since then to change that?
What could have happened, is when that relationship ended 6 years ago, you lost some of your self esteem and that might be what affected your staying power in the bedroom.
A failed relationship will make anyone lose some of their confidence, that's for sure. With the loss of confidence, it affects everything in your life - your work, how you relate to other people, how you are in romantic relationships, and ultimately how you perform in the bedroom.
It's seems safe to say that this is what has happened to you at some level - whether you are aware of it or not.
When you don't have regular sex with the same person, but just every now and then, with different partners, you are then feeling so horny, that you just get overexcited and it just happens really soon. It makes sense, as there is a natural build up of semen, so it needs to be expelled from the body. And when it's been a while since the last time, it probably will almost certainly, happen pretty fast. That's normal.
Part of the problem as well is - your lack of regular sex, over a long period of time. It's got to the point now, where because you reach orgasm after a few minutes, then the same thing happens the next time you are with someone - because there's been a gap, you have come to expect that it will always happen that way. So consequently, it perpetuates itself every time. Do you understand that? Plus, the anxiety you feel about it as well, doesn't help either.
A combination of the two -
(1) Long gaps without any sex and then reaching orgasm too soon when you do have sex.
(2) Your anxiety about it happening.
The two combined, are a deadly mix.
It becomes self perpetuating, because the gap in having sex leads to a quick orgasm, AND you get anxious about it, and the more you worry about it, the more it happens. It's a vicious cycle.
You need to relax more and try not to think about it at all. Anxiety is a real problem, especially when it comes to sex.
Another thing you could do in between dates is to masturbate once a week to relieve the buildup of semen, then you won't be quite so desperate to have sex. It will also help relax you somewhat.
I really don't think it's a medical problem at all. It really is an anxiety problem and not much more.
If you had perfectly normal sex (15 minutes), six years ago, then it's entirely possible for that to happen now. There's no reason not to.
Just relax and believe in yourself, you can do it. Just stop putting pressure on yourself to last longer. Simply instead, just let it happen and enjoy each other in a completely relaxed atmosphere. It will then just all fall into place - without any pressure.
Make sure there is sufficient foreplay before you actually have sex. Leave enough time for this, 10 minutes or more whatever feels good to both of you.
No need to hurry to having sex. Take all the time you both need. Don't rush.
Whatever you do, DON'T say anything to your new date about what's been happening. Because if you do that, you will make it into a problem and it will put pressure on both of you and sex won't happen at all! The main thing is to relax and enjoy.
Live totally in the present moment, and you will enjoy it a whole lot more. Don't think about yesterday or tomorrow. Today (NOW), is the only moment we can live.
Once you have sex once, with a long time before orgasm, (15 minutes or so), you will probably find that a "too quick" orgasm, will never happen again. You will be over that hurdle, once and for all.
Best wishes and take care.
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