A
female
age
51-59,
*osadand lonley
writes:Ok here it goes, I have been married to the same man for 18 years. And we dated for 4 years before that. We have three kids, I am a stay at home mom, as well as running my business from home. I run a dog daycare, grooming and overnight care for dogs out of our home. My husband works really hard for our family so I try not to bother him with the little things.But lately things are changing and I dont know what to do, you see I was raised by my grandparents which meant the woman did everything for her husband and her kids and a drop of a needle. I learned that and so in addition to running my business and raising our kids I run the whole house with out asking for any help. I know there is problems he used to text me or phone saying good morning I love you, and i would do the same to him. For a while it was a contest to see who could make that call or send that text first. Then one day he stopped, I thought its just because he is busy, he will see me when he gets home, no worries.Then the kisses stopped, and the passion in the bedroom stopped, now there is nothing. The thing is I would do whatever he wanted in the bedroom or in any other part of the house if he asked. He did ask and all his needs were met.Now he comes home from work and doesn't even look at me, or talk to me for that matter.He expects me to go to him for affection, conversation, sex( if he'll even comply), he even expects me to pay for his medication for his diabetes. He said this is how I can show him how much I care about him. Personally Im exhausted!I make everyones lunches for work and school, I wash and iron all his clothes and uniforms. Make all the meals. He does nothing except go to work, comes home and sits in front of the computer to unwind.He said that my job is easy since I work from home. I have to laugh out loud cuz my job is not by any means easy. But being the submissive wife I say nothing do nothing.Any way i guess I started to wake up when the kids and I were at a family Christmas dinner when my grandma and my aunt said Is everything ok with you, you seem distant. And have you put on more weight? Which was the kicker since I watch what I eat like a hawk. I also run with my dogs that are in daycare with me, and then I ride with my daughter three times a week on our horse. I said Im just so tired lately. My Aunt asked me what it was I doing, I told her and said the weight gain comes from doing to much for everyone. That started all the wheels turning in my brain on the way home. When I got back home my husband yelled and screamed at me and the kids for not having dinner ready for him, and making sure the house was in order. He didnt come with us to the dinner he stayed home. All I wanted to do was cry and run away. For christmas I got him a motorcycle, something he has always wanted. I feel horrible, he didn't do anything for me.Yesterday afternoon was I guess the final straw, I was taking the dogs for a final walk before the owners came to get them. I saw my husband pull up to the house, I was excited to see him, so I waved to him like a stupid high school girl in love, and he turned walked into the house with out a response. My heart fell into my shoes.I came back into the house after pushing my hurt feelings into the bottomless pit of emptyness. I said hi to him, and non the less got no reply. went to give a hug and kiss and he said, dont touch me your sick. Yes I have a cold but, I was going to give him a kiss on the cheek. He pulled away from me, and I just stopped caring right there on the spot.I dont know what to do. I just need advice, Im so heartbroken that I really, really dont know what to do, he is all I know, I made him my life.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (31 December 2010):
it sounds to me like your husband is emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. It can even be worse because there are no outward scars so it's easy for yourself and other people you talk to , to minimize it or downplay it for far too long until one day you snap or go off the deep end.
clearly it's taking a toll on you to the point that other people notice there's something wrong with you now.
the signs to me that he's emotionally abusing you: withdrawing love and affection. Not acknowledging your existence. Giving you the cold shoulder or silent treatment for no reason. Yelling and screaming at you. Saying hurtful things to you. making threats. Being passive aggressive. Being outwardly hostile. Everything is always your fault and never his fault.
each of these things, by themselves, don't necessarily constitute abuse if done infrequently since no one is perfect we've all done something like that at some point. It's emotional abuse when they are frequent regular occurrences, when they happen again and again and again. There's the saying that emotional abuse is like death by a thousand cuts, because each isolated incident by itself can be discounted but it's the sum of the incidents and how often they occur.
If when asked to describe your marriage these are the things that stick out most in your mind, then chances are they are frequent enough to constitute emotional abuse.
You allowed it to happen. like you said, you were being the submissive wife, by choice. But as you can see, it doesn't make the abuse go away and it just makes you feel more and more crappy until now even other people can see how it's affecting you.
Like most victims of emotional abuse, you fell into the trap of trying harder and harder to please him thinking that would make him treat you better but of course it didn't. And yet he is your entire world so it's hard to even think about leaving him.
Emotional abuse can escalate into physcial abuse too. When he threatened to slap your two year old, that is a huge warning sign. Take it seriously. It could happen for real.
Do an internet search on emotional abuse, there's useful articles on what you can do. Many experts would advise to leave such a marriage because abusers rarely change especially without outside intervention.
Good luck and I hope the new year will bring a positive change for your situation!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): your husband is a selfish jerk.
Also I wouldn't be surprised if he's having an affair. I don't mean to be alarmist, but when people have affairs they often distance themselves from their spouses.
Both of you have jobs. Yet you're the one doing the house chores and childcare on top of your job.
Running a dog daycare is most definitely not easy! it's like running a child daycare except that your charges can't understand english, can outrun you, can bite you or each other thus liability is high, and can be bigger and stronger than kids. And cleanup is constant! I bet he looks down on your job as a mere hobby, doesn't he?
frankly if I were in your shoes I'd leave him. Just reading this makes me feel so disgusted at him I wouldn't even want to try to rekindle anything.
You can manage fine on your own without him. I mean, you already are!!
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A
female
reader, sosadand lonley +, writes (30 December 2010):
sosadand lonley is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to give some of you an update, I am the one who initiated the calls, texts, and the affection first. Right from the start. When he would tell me he was busy I left him alone, since I am busy too, I respect that. I still to this day initiate everything. I just don't get a response now.
As for the Diabetes Im the one who made the Doctor's appointments, went with him to support him. Im also the one who researched high and low what he needs to eat, how much exercise he needs, and what medications are best.
I do still stay positive although it is hard. Last night for example I said to him dont you miss talking to each other when the kids are in bed, or at least saying good night to each other? He answered with no I miss bjs everynight before bed, but you don't hear me complaining.
Our youngest woke up screaming at midnight from a really bad dream, so of course I went to him to sooth him back to sleep, and I hear my husband yell, make him stop screaming or I will get up and slap him. Our youngest is only two.
I got him to calm down and slept with him in the living room, since my husband gets up so early to go to work.
This morning I made him breakfast and had coffee ready. I went up and told him everything was ready and he said, you guys kept me awake all night, you think Im going to stick around and have breakfast with you?
I said it only took me a few minutes to calm him down, he was running a fever, and we slept in the living room so we wouldnt wake you, what more do you want from me?
Well thank you you guys for your responses, as Im writing this Im starting to think there is just no hope.
I know with diabetes the person has highs and lows, mood changes, and even at times doesn't remember what happened. It may be possible he isnt responding to his meds anymore. He says he is using his monitor at work and before he goes to bed, but he also told me not keep asking him, so i stopped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): hi i m just 24 yrs old and i m married and having a baby also wat you are facing i already faced it bcoz he is working in IT company the same thing happend with me i m also working and in our relationship first 1 year goes very good after that two years worst in certain time i decided to get seperated with each other but one of my friend suggested me that to be in relationship is very hard but to break it very easy so being a sister i would like to suggest u that forget what happend to you just be remember that he is your husband and you are only to take care of him and your kids as well as so start your relationship with new bwginning and give some gifte to your hubby occassionaly some surprises which he loves to have and apart from all this love yourself always be groom when your husband is suppose to come back from office and being a woman and mother give him a doubt of benefit.
That what i can say u
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Hello. I am only 17, so I suppose adults say that I am too young to understand anything like this. However, I have also been told that I am very discerning and give good advice. I only want to try and help in any way I can.This sounds really sticky. When someone that you are in love with goes cold on you, it hurts, doesn't it? Well, all I can say is, when one party is unresponsive, in any manner at all, there is something that is not quite right. I know that a break up when you are married and there are children involved is incredibly difficult and awful, since you have much to lose and fight for. By no means take this advice if you think it unfit, but I suggest that you sit your husband down in a private place and talk to him outright about your feelings. Tell him that, despite him being your husband and the one single person you're supposed to lean on for love and support, he is the source of your distress and extreme upset. Ask him why he is behaving in this fashion and whether he wants the relationship to continue with strength or just crumble. Ask him, if he wants the marriage to continue, how he is going to make an effort to restore what is going awry. After a gradual deterioration like this has occurred, life may always be a little bit worse, and you will feel absolutely crap knowing it. But I believe, that if both of you realise what faults you have and are willing to embrace one another again, it is always worth a try. Lord knows what can happen.If not, then maybe it just wasn't meant to be.I look forward to your response and good luck x
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