A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am in doubt, I do not know if I am happy or not (probably not) anxiety and sleepless nights are wrecking my world, It feels like i am swimming for so long and my feet cannot touch the ground and I can see no shore. Let me explain and I hope you can help me.I am almost 28, way back along the years when I was barely 16 I was madly in love with this one guy who I thought I was born to this world with the purpose of loving him, nights, months and years I saw him as my family, father, son, brother, lover, I loved him in all the shapes and ways possible.If anyone have told me I would be able to live without him i probably would have thought them to be from different galaxy, he owned all my senses, oh the way I poured my soul to the last drop in him, the way I mixed up with him that air would have feel like its passing through his lungs to me.I cannot simply describe him because I loved him beyond human limits, but it wasn't perfect, our love would have destroyed us, we were violent with jealousy, we would go on strikes and be very aggressive, in many many occasions we were hanging by a thread and we would have fell into the arms of death, how ? beating each other up viciously, even making love was like a drug very dangerous, we both are mad in so many ways and we both are very destructive, our love have pushed us to drugs, its a kind of love that will kill one of us if not drove both of us to drive of a cliff together holding hands.Yet, with all the violence, with all our mad streaks, in our imperfection the world was perfect as if two wrongs had made a super right.Oh, when we hug, when our breath mixes, the world on fire, yet, the world is so quite and peaceful, we knew peace in those moments when we closed our eyes and held to each other, peace like no other, sense of completion, that those moments is all what life can give you and the best of it. the feeling was better than any high I have ever tried.when I was 22 things stayed the same, the passion did not go any less, how would it, he is my soul mate even if we are not perfect.but, one day I woke up and i saw things differently I saw two people destroying each other, two beings that are like cancer they slowly attacking and destroying whatever is left alive inside.I left, ran away, to this day I am not sure if I ran away from him or from myself ?I am as a monster as him, I am as bad as him but I did not want to go any longer, not because I loved him any less but because this love over the years had made me so tired, it was killing me, the heart breaks we cause each other every single day, and it hurts, how it hurts its another matter, it hurts when we get satisfied on being hurt, jealousy, possessiveness, obsessiveness, madness, we had no cure, we are sick and we are sick because we are together, the only way to get better is to get as far away from each other.Away from him, my life went back on track, no drugs, no bad girl behaviour, on the contrary I am no longer wild, I am hard working, quite and decent (Ill surprise you) and I know that I have changed that much because leaving him meant putting off the spark of life, life is no longer meaningful neither joyfull, the future is a mathematical equation, I am alive just like the 7 billion people walking on this earth, nothing special about me, I no longer have my own world, it dissolved in the fast running marathon that is my life.Did life stop ? no, 3 years after I disappeared (and by that I mean leaving the whole country to a destination he does not know about) I still kept tracking him, every now and then I will get his news, I know he was angry then hurt, he blamed me then like myself he got better, he stopped taking drugs, like myself he became successful, he have his own flourishing business and every now and then I will see a picture of him, looking better and better but his eyes are like mine, no spark.yet, I never went back to him, never reached out and told him I know he was searching for me.year after, I gave up. I gave up on living with him in my mind, I gave him living us up.I met a lovely man, settled together and got pregnant (never wanted it but it happened).Now, month ago I talked to a mutual friend back home, he told me that one of our friends we grew up with had a fatal crash, we talked on the phone and I did not expect that but the boy I used to love toke the phone from him and spoke to me.hearing his voice is putting me under a spell, the way he said I needed you, I still do, the way he sounded when he said I always loved you, come back.And I know in my deep of hearts that I always loved him, i still love him.being stubborn I toke those moment with him like a dreamy dose, and once again I was off the map.yet, I cannot sleep, i cannot stop thinking about him, when I do sleep i dream about him, he is hunting me, he is in me, suddenly I wanna cry, i feel lost, I dont know why i left him anymore, reasons do not make sense.I know he is not the same boy and I am not the same girl, we both have grown up but the matter of our hearts does not belong to us, we are fated to be that way.Although I did not really love my partner but we had something that works yet now i HATE MYSELF, CANT stand being near him and that baby growing in me, i dont want it, i want nothing..Please, do not judge me, I have spoken to you the deepest and the darkest of my thoughts and feelings, maybe you can help me, point out to me what need to be done
View related questions:
drugs, jealous, soulmate, spark, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (15 August 2014):
 Go find out what is there between you and the ex. You will never have peace of mind until you have walked that path. Sometimes people love once just because they give 100% of themselves. Sounds like you and your ex have matured and you no longer do drugs and I don't believe that the abusive relationship will pick up where you left. But I do think its possible that you still love him and you just need to find out if the intensity is the same. STart off being friends and let nature take its course.
Before you start this path, end things with your partner spare him the details and just tell him you need to find yourself. I don't think this child is what you want and its unfair to make an innocent kid pay the price, you decide, give the kid to the dad or abort if you are not too far pregnant. But you need to take these steps in order to allow all parties involved to eventually be with people they love.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 August 2014):
 What needs to be done, is ditching the drama at once , and acting like the sensible, decent adult that you say you have become.
No, no and no - I refuse to believe that two people " viciously beating up each other " has got anything to do with true love, or with being soulmates. Soulmates do not beat up each other, and do not bring out the worst in each other, only the best.
What you had, and have, is an addiction- yes you can get addicted to people, or to be precise to the adrenaline rush caused by the interaction with some pople, it has got a name too, it's Emotional- Affective addiction,
( and it's generally treated , in most cases successfully, in CBT, or more specifically RTET ( Rational Emotional Therapy ). Particularly if you have an addictive personality, as your past involvement with drugs ( congratulations for having solved that ,btw ) may suggest.
Stop romanticizing what was a crappy, unhealthy relationship, stop seeing through rose tinted glases what was essentially an illness. Nobody would wax so lyrical about having, or having had, diabetes or cancer, nobody in their right mind would say " oh I miss my diabetes or cancer , my life has got so dull and boring without it ".
Pls. realize that your mental and emotional health is the most precious richness you can have, and if you find that life has got less interesting without the " intensity " ( read : shenanigans and indecorous antics ) you were used to, .. then you have an intriguing, intelligent challenge: how to MAKE it interesting without resorting to sick relationships as your passtime.
As for the baby you are expecting: if you are sure to you it means just a dumb mistake, and you are not ready to be a mother- put the baby up for adoption, or give it to the father, if so he wishes ,signing up to him your parental rights . Do not make an innocent child the scapegoat of your immaturity and delusions.
If you don't want to have a relationship with the baby's father, you don't love him, don't like him etc... who's forcing you ?! leave him. And learn to be on your own at least until you realize that " love " and " mutual violence ", " love " and " jealous rages " cannot even coexhist in the same sentence !. forget about in the same relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (15 August 2014):
 Wow, that's deep.
You had an all consuming first love when you were really just children. You rightly walked away and apart you both grew-up, developed into adults.
I can tell you don't love your current partner, so you are living a lie,you will never be happy. You should set him free to find a woman who will love him. That's your first priority.
Next you need to meet your Ex and see if what you had is still there, your 2 very different people now and it could be your love has died and all you have is memories. You will not have peace of mind until you know. So, find out if he is single and if he is up for meeting.
Your pregnant so think long and hard about that the innocent baby,make choices and look after yourself
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): First things first, how pregnant are you? If you are not sure if you want the baby then do consider a termination if there is time.Secondly, read up about co-dependency. You sound very co-dependent on your first 'love' and until you educate yourself about what co-dependency is, then you stand no real chance of breaking the mental pattern you've created for yourself to live in. Read Co-dependency for Dummies.Thirdly, no offence but you sound like you might have histrionic personality disorder. Google it. Histrionics involves a person creating and/or seeking a high degree of drama in their life and 'giving out' in a very melodramatic way. Reading your post you sound very, very melodramatic - I'm not judging you negatively for it, I'm simply making an objective observation that the way you write might indicate a psychological condition.On the positive side of things, you do seem to have a very practical aspect to your character. This is your strength. Right now you are being 'called' back to the drama and passion of younger years and are finding it hard, as many would, to just stay in the 'plodding' and even 'boring' pace of life. Only you can decide what to do - you were ADDICTED to your ex, you do seem to have an addictive type personality and co-dependents are so very often addicts of some kind. Please do read up on this issue and the histrionic issue before you decide what to do.
...............................
|
