A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm twenty, and my fiance is 24 now. We've been living together and been together for two years plus. The first six months we've been living together, things were amazing. He wasn't afraid of PDA, kissing, hugging, he wanted to cuddle a lot, we had sex often, and our line of communication was open and we talked often. Eventually that slowed down, which I kind of expected I guess. Time does that to some relationships. We broke up for like a week after a year of dating, and when we got back together, we agreed we needed to start talking more, spending more time together, and becoming more romantic and keep that spark and just try new things. That lasted about two to three weeks. And then it was back to the same old. Barely talking. He would sit on Xbox all day and night except when he was at work. He denied me sex any and every time I asked or implied I was in the mood. In fact he would get really upset with me if I asked him or tried to make any moves. He always just said he was tired or wasn't in the mood. Ever. I was working out, so I was fit, I tried prettying myself up, tried everything. We took a small break again this past September for about two weeks to take some pressure off things, since there was a lot of tension and fighting. When we got back together, we again agreed that we needed to fix things in order to make our relationship work. We agreed we both needed to talk, keep involved in each others lives, etc. He asked me to marry him the day I moved back in. I said yes, as I love him very much, and I want my future to be with him and only him. For the first three to four weeks I was back, we were doing things more often. Going out on dates, being more romantic, talking, sharing moments together, doing sweet things for each other. And it went downhill again. He no longer likes to talk to me unless its asking me whats for supper, or if hes yelling or criticizing me for something, he denies me sex and yells at me if I ask for it (and I've been catching him masturbating in our bed while he thought I was sleeping), and he doesn't like to be close with me anymore. Every time I try to talk to him, he shuts me out, and turns it around on me, saying that I worry too much or that I over think things. We conceived a baby girl about a week after we became engaged, and since then, he doesn't seem interested in that either, even though he's accepting of the idea of us having a child. When I started to gain a little weight (my boobs got bigger, I got curvier) he complimented on how much he was liking my body, and he has no problem with sex with me and thinks I'm pretty still. I don't mean to be hormonal, and I try my very best not to be. I'm not that large, and I know I'm not. I'm staying fit through my pregnancy, doing things to take care of myself on the outside and inside, I haven't been harsh on him or pressuring him at all through the pregnancy at all. I love him very, very much, but it's beginning to take a bigger toll on me than I had anticipated. I want him to talk to me, but he refuses to let me know how he feels about anything. He refuses to touch me. He doesn't call me beautiful or pretty anymore. He doesn't want to do anything except hop on Xbox after work or on his days off. Nothing. I feel like I'm losing him, and I want him to become more involved. I give him so much credit for being there for me and our baby girl, and attending our ultrasounds when he can, but as for our relationship, I'm extremely scared that it's going to fade away before my very eyes in the next few months. I hear so often and see so often that dads just up and leave their girlfriends/fiances/wives during pregnancy, and it scares me. I need a little advice. Some peace of mind, give me some advice on what I should do, or what I CAN do. I'm not willing to lose him...
View related questions:
at work, boobs, broke up, conceive, engaged, fiance, got back together, in the mood, kissing, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2013):
 I think I need to leave you a more positive ending, or else things will just look too dark.
You'll still have your boat, and there's still going to be loads of water to float on. And your end goal is still there. The only thing that needs to change is the man you have in this boat with you. You can row better without him in the boat too, as then you'll not have his weight to slow you down.
What I'm saying is that it is better for you to be pregnant and single, than to be in a relationship with a man who basically leaves you to fend for yourself anyway, in addition to taking care of him, and in addition to sucking out your energy with being hostile and putting you down.
And I'm positive you will find a new man, yes even if you have a baby girl... Men aren't that scared of women with children. They're fine with it, it wont be a problem. It might be a problem to some, but never mind those. There will still be tons of guys who will be great step dads, and help you row your boat, and who will make you HAPPY. As opposed to this guy you're currently with who makes you miserable and believes love is an excuse to put you down and hurt you. And YOU believe love is an excuse for this behaviour.
What is this "love" in your relationship that makes it so important to stay together? Tell me, define it. Explain why you can't leave him, why this love you have for him means nothing else matters. Explain what will happen if you leave him. Will you die?
You'll be just fine without him. It'll hurt like nothing else for the first period. Then you'll be happy. Then you'll be glad you left him and sorry you stayed this long.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 April 2013):
You're not willing to lose him, that is evident. Because no matter how hard he pushes you away, you just cling to him even more tightly. It's like he's air, and you feel you can't breathe without him.
I worry that your need to be with him is clouding your thoughts. Love is not enough in a relationship, so saying you love him is not enough to stay with him. In this relationship boat you're the only one rowing. But when you stop rowing, and he sees the ship might sink, he grabs the handle and rows for a few minutes... like kick starting a machine. Then you get all excited and geared up, and grab the oars again and row away... While he again just sits back to mind his own business.
You get so excited about rowing this boat, that keeping the boat in motion is more important to you than the man you have in this boat with you.
You want him to row the boat? Sorry, he wont. You knew he didn't want to, but then when he grabbed the oars you were kicked into motion and fooled to think you suddenly had a new man in the boat. But it is still the same old man. And now he's stopped rowing again. And you think well if he can just help out a little you can get the boat to where you want it to be. But come on. For the rest of your life with this man, YOU will be rowing, and he will be resting. And you will grow tired, even if he occasionally picks up the oars.
Yes, your relationship will wither away. And there isn't a thing you can do about it, because if you row harder he'll just get even lazier and think he'll need to do even less. And so you row harder and harder to try to make him see you need help.... It works against the purpose.
You don't need him to pick up the oars more often. What you need is another man who will be happy, delighted, to row the boat with you.
Love is the ocean, your relationship is the boat. If you didn't get the metaphor. There can be plenty of water for the boat to float on, but if you're not both rowing then you wont get anywhere.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 April 2013):
 I'm not really sure what advice you are looking for. You two are incompatible but have continued to try to fight for the relationship, even though it's clear he's not invested the same way you are and in fact behaves downright hostile towards you. What you describe in this post is not a relationship capable of ever giving you what you want or need and I'm not sure what you are getting out of it that makes you so reluctant to give it up. There isn't really another option but to break off the engagement and move on with your life.You keep breaking up because it's not working and then decide to give it another try because for basically no time at all (a few weeks) things work. Then they go back to exactly the way they were. People don't change who they fundamentally are and this relationship realistically will never change either.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): I'm going through a similar situation with my pregnancy and also just posted on here about my dilemma. My husband is only interested in doing chores, etc with me and is no longer interested in sex. We used to do everything together. He used to be romantic, flirty, and frisky, then it all started changing when I started showing. It's not like we don't have sex, but he's only into quickies once a week - and I mean 1 minute quickies...no time for me to orgasm. He has no interest foreplay, flirting, massages, etc. He's spending more time with friends than with me, since I can't do the physical activities that brought us together anymore. It's very upsetting. The only redeeming factor in this is that he's thrilled about the baby and is very participatory about the preparations, doc visits, etc. (But my husband is in his 40's, not 20's - and this pregnancy was planned.)
It sounds like you guys had some ups and downs in the relationship right before you got pregnant. It wasn't planned, was it? If not, that could be a source of the problem. You guys are young, so maybe he's not thrilled about the responsibility of having a child. He's obviously not wanting to discuss what he's feeling because he's afraid of hurting you.
Often times, when I struggle with communication with my husband, I write my thoughts down in an email and encourage him to do the same in the response. It gives both of us an opportunity to say what's on our minds without having to deal with the immediate emotional reaction to each other, which is often the most intimidating part of communicating in a relationship. You might want to try that. If that doesn't work, and he doesn't open up...I'm not sure what to do. That's the boat I'm in.
I wish you the best of luck. It's a scary thought to consider raising a kid on your own. Do everything you can to make things work before a genuine decision of that nature is considered. Maybe things will change for the better after the baby is born.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): Had you previously discussed having children? Does he really want to have a child, or could he resentfully view your pregnancy as some sort of manipulation to keep him in a relationship? People say many things, but they aren't always the truth. His actions seem to indicate that he isn't interested in having a child with you at this point in his life. The entire situation is stressful. He decides to give a relationship with you another try, asks you to marry him, and within a week you're pregnant. This is not enough time to work through the issues that caused you to seperate and now you have baby to worry about too.Here's the thing: when a guy gives you a ring and asks you to marry him it is supposed to be because he is in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. It is NOT supposed to be a bandaid to fix a broken relationship. It is obvious you love him far more than he loves you. Right now, you need to do what is best for you and your child. If you continue in this relationship with her daddy, even if you marry him, you will never be happy unless he changes AND you both learn how to communicate with one another. If that doesn't seem likely, quietly pack your things and leave.He seems like the kind of man who expects to be catered to but is also easily irritated by requests to 'talk about things.' Since all of your efforts to get through to him have failed, you need to make a statement silently. You simply leave (while he is at work) without leaving a note, without telling him you are leaving, without communicating with him about this at all, it should make a statement to him. If you think leaving the engagement ring behind will make a bolder statement, you may do so (but you cannot expect to get it back). If he really truly cares about you and/or the baby he will call you or contact you. Do NOT speak/text/email/facebook/answer him first. Let him take the initiative. You need to give him some time to think about things. If you are feeling bold or think he will not change and want to make a point maybe you could hide the power cord and/or controllers to his gaming console somewhere he would never look--this will make him angry--if he calls and is more concerned with gaming than with why you left you have your answer.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): "I hear so often and see so often that dads just up and leave their girlfriends/fiances/wives during pregnancy,and it scares me."Most often those are the dads who are involved in unstable, tenuous, volatile short-term relationships based solely on physical attraction with no solid foundation upon which to build a life together, and they are usually reluctant expectant fathers due to pregnancies are unplanned and/or unwanted. Unfortunately, boyfriend qualifies on both counts."Some peace of mind, give me some advice on what I should do, or what I CAN do. I'm not willing to lose him..."Sorry, can't offer either. This is an ill-timed pregnancy borne out of an ill-advised "engagement." You chose to get "engaged" to a guy with whom you haven't been able to compatibly cohabitate beyond the honeymoon period, and then irresponsibly conceived a child only a week into your latest attempt at shacking up when you knew your relationship still needed fixing. Most stable, devoted fathers are those with whom women are already secure in their relationships and to whom they are happily married BEFORE they get pregnant. Given your history I must sadly surmise that the odds of your relationship surviving long term are slim. He may stick it out through the pregnancy, but I doubt he'll be around much longer once your screeching, squalling kid arrives. Given the inherent instability of your coupling, all you can do is prepare for the worst-case scenario as the unmarried mother of a newborn by legally establishing paternity via DNA testing and having a court-approved order of child support in place to guarantee baby daddy fulfills his financial obligation to his child.
...............................
|
