A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married with 2 children and recently had an affair with married man who also has two children. It did not last long but the emotional impact ran very deep. I stupidly let myself get pregnant and everything blew up from there. Our spouses both know and we are both attempting to reconcile our marriages and somehow share custody of our little boy. Because of this, I have to see my former partner constantly. It kills me everytime and I feel like I'll never be able to recover with him still present in my life. He and his wife seem to be on a great path and I appear to have no impact on them whatsoever, which I am grateful for, I do want him to be happy but the apathy from him hurts so much that I focus more on that than on repairing my own marriage. This man spent so much time building me up during our affair and then tearing me down afterwards that I no longer have any sense of self worth. This pathetic individual I have become is such a far cry from who I was a year ago. I love my husband and family and want to be here for them 100% but am finding it impossible given the circumstances. Is there anyone in the world who has dealt with the same situation? Is there anyway to overcome the mess of feelings that resurface when I see him? How do I avoid the extreme feeling of lonliness and loss I feel when I hand over my newborn son to them? I am completely lost.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): We all make choices in life. You chose to have an affair with a married man, and you knew that what you were doing was wrong. Your selfishness was overwhelmed only by your complete disregard for your own children. You then calculatingly conceived his child, (please don’t say it was an accident, we all know better). Are we now supposed to feel sorry for you? May your children grow up to know you for the truly selfish and pathetic person that you are.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 December 2009):
 Ehm, the individual who you were a year ago is the individual that cheated on her husband, risked her family to have an affair with a married man while not using protection.
Is that really the goal you should be aiming for?
You say you want to be there 100% for your family and husband. Is that true? I got my doubts. You might WANT it to be true, but if it was the truth, then you wouldn't still be longing for the other guy.
I think that it is VERY important you mention the person you were a year ago. You want things to be back to the way they were, NOT because you hurt others, but because you were hurt. I see nothing in your post about your husband or kids or the other wive and their kids. Just your feelings.
In an update you even say you find it hard to have regrets.
We never know what we had until we loose it, and you haven't lost anything so far. You say you understand that your husband isn't to willing to understand your broken heart. Well, good for you, how understanding. How about HIS broken heart?
To be honest, I see you as a rather selfish woman who only thinks of her own feelings and nobody elses. You sure haven't mentioned any.
Has the affair started because you took what you had for granted and still do?
Spend some time thinking about all the other people you have hurt before complaining how hard things are for you.
Each time you are with the new baby, your husband sees that you are a cheater. He is paying for the raising of another man's kid. Time to consider his feelings, more then your own.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (20 December 2009):
 Legally you know you can't cut this man out of his child's life; if you attempt it, you will be in for one hell of a court battle. As cruel as it sounds, I think your former lover's apathetic attitude toward you is completely appropriate. Unlike you, he is obviously putting his energy and effort into his marriage, and as such, his wife's feelings are more important to him than yours. He is apathetic because you are not the focus of his life; his wife and the baby are. As long as he is not being disrespectful to you, you really have nothing to complain about. As far as making the visitation transfer easier, can your husband go with you when you drop the baby off? This might help you feel less alone and remind you that you must focus on your marriage, not what's going on in this man's life. If having your husband present is not possible, could the court to appoint a neutral party to assist with the visitation transfer? If the baby goes to daycare, can you arrange for his dad to pick him up there for visitation rather than you dropping him off? Your husband is a saint, by the way. Most other men would have thrown you out on your ass. You owe it to him to stop whining about the fact that seeing your ex-lover breaks your heart; it's almost like you're cheating on him all over again.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (20 December 2009):
 I feel it is important that the father of the child continues to know his real father or he may grow up distrubed by it all later. I was thinking more for you and the sake of your marriage. A little distance is needed to get this man out of your head. He can travel occasionally.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963 +, writes (20 December 2009):
I feel it is important that the father of the child continues to know his real father or he may grow up distrubed by it all later. I was thinking more for you and the sake of your marriage. A little distance is needed to get this man out of your head. He can travel occasionally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA lot of people have suggested that we move away. My husband and I have discussed it a lot too and we're struggling with cutting my son off from his real father. My heart won't let me do it. My husband plays daddy and loves doing it. He loves this little boy like his own but there's nothing like knowing your past and your family history. Any opinions on whether to continue shared custody or just cut him/them out and live a quiet life with our kids? It would certainly ease my pain but being selfish is what got me here in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963 +, writes (20 December 2009):
I know it may not be practical but it may we worth a thinging of moving away so you do not have to see him on a regular basis. The time will heal the pain. It will allow you to focus on your own marriage. When you play with fire you will be burnt. It was bound to end in tears. Take care not to mess up your own marriage any more. If your husband has accepted the situation - he is a great man - hold him tight. If he picks up on the way you are feelingm it may turn him away.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963 +, writes (20 December 2009):
I know it may not be practical but it may we worth a thinging of moving away so you do not have to see him on a regular basis. The time will heal the pain. It will allow you to focus on your own marriage. When you play with fire you will be burnt. It was bound to end in tears. Take care not to mess up your own marriage any more. If your husband has accepted the situation - he is a great man - hold him tight. If he picks up on the way you are feelingm it may turn him away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe first response and it's so dead on. This does sound incredibly self loathing. I think more than just a good ass kicking....I need support like that. I know I'll figure this out, it's just the feeling of dealing with it alone that sets me back. I am so lucky to still have my husband and even more lucky to have the option of being honest with him. He does know this is how I feel but obviously he has no sympathy or desire to understand my "broken heart." I don't blame him at all.
When I mentioned handing over my newborn, I meant for visits. We are attempting to share custody somehow. It's a total freak show and I'd like nothing more than for it all to just go away. It's hard to have regrets now though because without this mess, I wouldn't have my son and he is such a little ray of sunshine. Thank you for your insight.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (20 December 2009):
 well why would you be handing over your newborn what is a guy gonna do with it he certainly cant feed it. Though your situation sounds grave its not so bad look at the bright side theres not a billion dollars and a couple of mansions at stake im talking about Tiger woods. look its time to move on you screwed up so what everybody screws atleast you didnt throw the world into war over something that didnt exist. now you need to talk to your husband be thankful he has not asked for a divorce you need to pay attention to your kids because there not stupid they know somethings goin on. get off of your self loathing ( im likng that word) any way its time to move forward who cares what this guy said obviously you couldnt have been so bad if he was willing to throw away his marriage for you and you dont know for sure his marriage is getting back on track so smoothly of course he wants you to think it is. Im sure this is difficult but you made a mistake you gotta live with the consequences in 20 yrs no one will care you will look back and realize you where a strong person to get through it. So focus on your marriage not this other guys life be open and hones with your husband hell be there for you if you let him if he hasnt left you so far. Good luck its almost christmas its a good time of year for forgiving and new begginings we all have our trials in life this is yours but you can handle it
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