A
female
age
36-40,
*lacknBeautiful
writes:Im pregnant. When I found out my instinct was to become a mother not to have an abortion. The father wants nothing to do with a baby right now because he wants to move and continue to find himself as he will be 25 in May. He’s called me selfish, arrogant, and childish and anything else that he feels will demean me. I told my mother that I was pregnant and all the stress that I have had built on my chest felt cleared away. As she assured me that I would be fine and that she would be there for me through it all. I am for the most part financially stable and can handle this on my own if forced to. Is it selfish to end my pregnancy because he doesn’t want my baby? I am willing to step up and handle what I have to. I think its very selfish of him to ask me to end my pregnancy because he isn’t ready and wants to move.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): If you abort this baby because HE won't step up, I fear you will regret it as you feel you are ready. Do what's right for you. It's his choice if he wants to be a sperm donor or a dad.
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (25 January 2015):
 I agree with Brokenv that children are gifts, but a pregnancy is different when the person is pro-choice. Admittedly, you both made your choice when you had unprotected (birth control AND condoms) sex and you both should have had a conversation about "what if....", so you'd have known he wasn't reliable.
However, like I said before, you need to plan out the practical challenges and decide what would be best for you and the baby.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (25 January 2015):
Having a child is hard. Doing it on your own is hard. But this child is a gift. I'm sorry but no child is an accident. They are meant to be here.
Good Luck with YOUR decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): Thats why planned pregnancies are the way to go. I am personally against " accidental babies". This is not the right way in my opinion to give a new life. I am definitely pro- choice.Of course it's up to you to deside whether to have this baby or not, it's in your body, but the fact that this boyfriend of yours doesn't want to have anything to do with it is quite sad. Most likely the baby is not going to have a father. You are going to be a single mother and believ me I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My mother was a single mom, andit was not good for her or me. Men came and go, not many but still a handfull. My mom struggled financially and I was always home by myself as she had to work. I felt very well on my self how it was to be a fatherless child. It's a tough desision but you have to realize that you are changing your life in a way that there is really no turning back. Your child will arrive and this is it it's for a lifetime. It diminishes your chances of finding a life partner. But of course desision is yours. And I wouldn't put too much thought in what he says, who cares. You also can blame him as much for participating in a baby making process, but I strongly believe that birth control is solely woman's responsibility. It's your body not his, that's why they created birth control pills. What happened to those????
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (24 January 2015):
I think you should plan out costs, childcare (whether family or more costs), space, etc. and figure out if you really can do it on your own.It was reckless and irresponsible to have sex without birth control and condoms and it was both of your jobs to make sure both were being used. However, it doesn't seem like you're reckless and irresponsible in the other aspects of your life, so I don't think you'd be a questionable mother (if you choose to be one) because you are thinking about finances and how to do it alone.Even if he doesn't want the child, and you have him/her anyway, you should legally be able to get child support from him, whether he wants visitation rights or not, but you'd have to plan it out beforehand as though you'd get neither, just to make sure you can do it fairly comfortably without any help from him whatsoever.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 January 2015):
 I have to agree. THIS is your choice. 100%. You two may have been a little careless with birth-control/condoms and the end result is a child. IF he was SO adamant that he did NOT want children yet, HE should have been using condoms 100% of the time OR... not have sex. We all know the latter is rarely an options people choose.
You can't MAKE him a Dad. He will have to help out financially and may resent that, but again.... YOU didn't end up pregnant by yourself. And YOU will do the bear's share of the job raising this child.
I'm glad your mom is prepared to help you. Having a baby is hard work. It's 24/7 for the rest of your life.
My advice, start putting money aside now.
I absolutely HATE when I hear stories of MEN telling the woman they knocked up, to "just" have an abortion. Like Auntie chigirl said, it's SURGERY. It's NOT a birth control method and shouldn't be used as such. IT has LASTING emotional and psychological effects on the woman. These guys think it's a "walk in the park" so to speak and that abortion is an easy option, BECAUSE they DON'T have to go through it.
I am pro-choice. I make no bones about that. I DO think there are cases where abortion IS the "better" solution, FOR the MOTHER.
You have 3 choices.
1. termination/abortion.
2. keeping the baby and raise it as a single mom.
3. adoption.
YOU, and YOU alone will have to decide what you can handle and what you want to do. HE has NO right, to YOUR body.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 January 2015):
 Look, you got to do what is right for you. It is YOUR choice now, not his. He was not careful with protection, so he landed himself in this situation on his own. I always say, and I mean it, that those who are not prepared for an accidental pregnancy should not be having sex. Because sex is designed to make babies, so to me its a given that you actually think this through before having sex. If he was care free, then he had no business having sex as he isn't mature enough for the consequences.
Abortion is NOT a birth control method. It's surgery, and should be your very last resort if giving birth is not an option. There's always adoption if you can not keep the child once it is born.
Now, I am not saying you are wrong to have an abortion if you choose to have one, but you will be wrong in having one just to please this man who you had sex with. You don't mention a relationship with him, so not sure if you are in one or not? But he has no right to tell you what you must do from here on out. His responsibility was to wear a condom, and when he failed to do this he needs to face the consequences. An abortion is not a birth control method, and you are not selfish if you choose to not have one. You're already pregnant, it's already happened. You didn't force him to sleep with you, and you didn't force him to not wear protection. This is the consequence, he made these choices himself. He can sulk as much as he wants, but he's an adult for crying out loud, and you're not forcing a child on him, HE GOT YOU PREGNANT without anyone forcing him to. His choice, and he needs to face the consequences just like you have to. Abortion is not a "get out of jail for free"-card, so he can pretend it never happened.
What I am saying is, make your choice based on what is right for YOU. Abortion is a drastic measure, and something that will most likely follow you for the rest of your life. If it isn't the right choice for you, then no one can force you into having one. If he didn't want a child he should have used a condom, simple as that. After that point, he has no right to tell you what to do and don't do. He has no right to your body. He has a right to his own body, to do with his own body as he wants to. He did, he had sex without a condom, and now he faces the consequences. Simple as that.
You also have the right to your own body, same as he does. You had the choice to have sex, you had the choice to use birth control. Something here failed, and you got pregnant. Now, because it has become legal, you also have the extra choice of abortion. That is a choice only YOU have, not him, because it relates to YOUR body, not his.
If you do not want an abortion, then that's all you need to know. You are an adult, and you have every right to decide over your own body.
Children live happy lives without their dad in their lives. He can move, just let him go, as long as he pays for the child as he needs to then don't give him another thought. Your child will not suffer because of his lacking interest. Besides you never know, once he matures and grows up, once he realizes he can not escape the consequences of his actions, he might take responsibility.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): Do not abort to keep him happy, whos to say he will stay around after you terminate. you said once you told your mum you felt the weight off you. You are in a really good position to do this alone and with your families support. He is the loser in all this , and when your child is old enough to understand the situation they will make up their own mind about the "father" not wanting and being there but will show and give you all the respect you deserve. just remember dont bad mouth the "father" of your child as they will make up their own judgement about him. Dont worry about being a single mum times will be hard but youll see its worth it in the end . Ive been in your shoes and i wouldnt change a thing ive such a happy teenager whos thriving in school and has told me he doesnt feel hes missed out on anything.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (24 January 2015):
Dear OP,
In a matter like this, don't listen to anybody but your heart. As your instinct told you to be a mother, maybe this is what your heart has told you.
You seem to be a responsible person, financially stable, considerate and with a supportive mother. So I think it's not fairly unrealistic to assume you could be a single mom.
The hardest time is the beginning, before the baby's old enough to go to pre-school. The first 2 years, probably.
If there are other reasons that make it important for you to end the pregnancy, that's okay. Nobody should be forced to be a mother. But don't just have an abortion for your boyfriend. You can't let another person push you to make such an important decision.
And also, let's say you abort the baby, just for him.. then the relationship would be doomed anyway. You would deeply resent him for the bullying and the demeaning comments he made.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): He's a sperm donor, take it or leave it.
How selfish he is being, I think it depends on the circumstances. He is being a verbally abusive jerk to be sure. But its easier to understand his bad reaction if he did use a condom or you were on the pill. Men have terribly little control over their reproduction compared to all the options women have today.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (24 January 2015):
In all honesty, the choice is yours. You need to decide if you want the baby. And you need to decide if you want the father to be in the child's life, seeing as he doesn't want it. Mostly you need to genuinely think if you can do this alone.
And tell that father, that he should have thought about it when he decided not to wear a damn condom. Instead of calling you selfish or arrogant, he should learn to be responsible for his actions.
In any case, you need to think to yourself if you are ready to do this alone. He just might not want to be a part of the child's life. In which case, as harsh as it seems, if you decide whether you want him to ever be a part of your lives again. And take the necessary decisions. You mostly have to think about that child.
Good luck. :)
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