A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for almost 7 years and I am 8 months pregnant. We have two daughters and a baby boy on the way. Three months into my pregnancy I found out my husband has been having an affair with a co-worker for two years. She is almost 20 years younger than him. I am devastated and don't know if I can ever recover. He says he wants to work things out and save our family but I can't even look at him. We haven't shared a room since I found out and I don't want him to touch me. It is too emotionally painful because all I can do is see him with her. And to know he has deceived me for so long makes me ill. How could I ever trust him again? I can't even imagine ever being intimate with him again. Please help. I don't know what to do. Do I stay in a loveless marriage just for my children or do I leave and move on so I can heal. I am 39 and he is 45. Our children are 14, 6, and a newborn on the way.
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for sharing your stories and advice. I have never experienced the depth of depression as I have with this whole experience. I'm sure being pregnant and my hormones have made it worse, but I am seeing a therapist and trying to heal not only for myself, but for my children. After my baby is born, I plan to get back into my regular workout routine (running & cycling) and may even begin taking medication to help pull me out of this slump. I am devastated and cannot even imagine ever loving again. I love to be in love. I am a very affectionate and loving person and now I am so scared to ever give myself to anyone like I did in my marriage. I will love my children but I honestly do not think I can ever love again. Thank you all so much for everything.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): I'm not one to put up with this kind of BS- I'd get a good attorney and take him to the cleaners, get all you can, and share custody. Let him take the three kids 50% of the week and see how "Ms. 20 something" likes taking care of 3 kids. She'll be out of there in a few weeks more than likely. he needs to pony up considerable cash through college x3.
I recommend getting yourself some good counseling too, as you're going to need to heal from this ASAP for everyone's sake (even his). You deserve to find a man who will love you- they are out there... best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (17 February 2010):
I have been there. And I have never felt so much pain... What makes it so bad is the whole betrayal and deceit; because of all the love and trust you had, only to be stabbed in the back like this. It destroys your confidence and sense of self; it makes you wonder if you have been living a lie all these years; makes you wonder what you did so wrong to deserve this.. And the sleepless nights spent crying.. The days when you don't even want to get out of bed... I know what you must be going through.
First things first though, you need to focus on yourself and the baby. I started having heart palpitations from the stress and constant crying so remember your body is a host for an innocent person right now and you don't want to risk their health. So you have to make a huge effort to handle yourself and your emotions.
Secondly, I would encourage you to go for counseling to try deal with this; the sooner the better. I remember thinking that I don't need it because HE is the one who did this, but I did learn a lot about why he did it. I had been blaming myself quite a lot but he admitted during counseling that I did nothing wrong to him and he did it out of greed and opportunity. Naturally I didn't believe him but years later now that we are not together he still says the same thing.
Thirdly, if after counseling and sending him for humiliating STD tests and stuff, you feel you still can't love him again and want to leave, don't make things difficult for yourself by shoving him out suddenly. You don't want unnecessary hardship and to struggle with maintenance court dates pushing a pram. Rather draw up a secret plan of transition so that he continues supporting you and helping with the kids while you get back on your feet. Ofcourse our first instincts are to give him a huge shove but imagine having to get a job with a one week old baby. Its better to have him groveling in your house, sleeping on the couch but there to do his bit. No sex ofcourse so you don't feel used. You don't even have to sit in the same room; a clever woman has to have a plan of action not a knee jerk reaction.
Although I ended up leaving my husband, I still encourage you to consider trying to patch things up first so at least you know you tried. But the good news is that you do recover; these will be dark days for a while and some days will be more difficult than others. But you will find the strength deep down that you never knew you had. Your daughters are counting on you to find that strength.
And one final thing; about the office bitch he was seeing; you may be feeling low and lacking in confidence because you feel he found a younger woman and preferred her over you. Now imagine if you were that girl; the man she was seeing (your husband) dropped her like a hot potato the minute his wife knew; so she is the one thinking of slitting her wrists because she is not good enough for him to leave you for her; she is having a worse crisis of confidence than you are. You don't want him, yet he still prefers to be home with you than with her!! Poor dumb thing! So don't spend a lot of time thinking about her; the only power she had was the secret and the minute it came out she was thrown back in the garbage where she belongs. All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nandos17  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Writing this from experience; my parents have just had a rather messy break up after nearly 20 years of marriage. My earliest memory was of them fighting and my mum having to set up a bed in my room. If any woman had any sense, the abuse that followed in the years to come she would've left my dad but she never did - for mine and my sisters sake.
I have friends whos parents have divorced at various ages and they all generally have felt that they have been loved by both parents and have been able to avoid years and years of arguments and just a generally hollow family life. Families are meant to be loving - I personally haven't felt loved from either of my parents, and I don't know how to express love because I saw neither of my parents express any love for each other.
I understand that this is about you, and not myself. But I feel that if you saw different sides to the story - if you absoutley feel that you can't get through this in the best way possible then please don't stay with him for just your children. As CaringGuy said, this has come at the worst time for you and I can't even imagine what your going through right now. If you feel like you want to get through this however there are options. You have marriage counciling and any form of counciling is generally helpful.
I know this is no consolation, but you are fortunate in that your husband wants to make an effort for your family. You have no reason to trust him but you have the security that if you were to leave him, he would make an effort for your children. Your newborn son, though would be a huge stress on you initially, is going to make things slightly easier if the whole family pull through this difficult time. He would no absoutley no different family life and therefore wouldn't know what hes missing out from. The child I guess you would need to be most concerned about is your 14 year old who is approaching very stressful years in her life. GCSEs...maybe A Levels. As I said, if you feel like you can stay with him, take some counciling and fix it then obviously that would be best case scenario. But don't force yourself to trust someone you can't, because that makes the situation worse.
I've tried to write 2 sides to the story so I don't appear bias in directing you to a particular way. This is something that you need to decide with some time, some talking with your husband, (some close friends?) and maybe making a list of pros and cons with leaving/staying with him.
Do what you think is right.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): This is a situation that many women have been in. Sadly the man is always willing to work it out but its easier for them because they are not carrying the child or the one that has suffered the worst hurt. I would suggest even with all of the hurt that you take your time making this hard decision. I would also say that counseling is always a great option because its not easy letting go the father of your children and husband no matter how strong you are. good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 February 2010):
Of course this couldn't have come at a worse time. Though this may sound mad, don't be too quick to throw the towel in on this relationship just yet. You're pregnant, and you have two other kids. I'm not saying stay just for the kids, because if you're not happy together, they won't be happy. But I think if you're willing to go to counselling and at least willing to listen to his reasons, maybe this can be worked out. It would be a shame to end the marriage without just sitting down with a third person and getting everything out in the open. He needs to be totally open with you at all times, and totally honest. Think about what you want, and whether this is worth trying to save.
...............................
|
