A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just wanted to ask others opinions on this subject. Basically i have quite a bit of bad look with relationships, i have my own house and and have been living on my own now with just my dog and rabbit which is how i like it for 3 years now. I did meet someone just under a year ago started off as friendship but then in the last 6 months has grown into something else. He has recently got divorced from being seperated for 2 years, and his 2 children live with the mother. In the agreement of the divorce, he is paying for the mortgage of the house that she lives, his old house, until the children until are eighteen on the basis that this then gives her no entitlement to his pension. I am 38 he is 52. I always expected to have family of my own one day but the long term relationship i was in unfortuanltey dropped a bombshell on me of him being transgendered, ie thinks hes a female. Anyway eventually i could not cope with him trying to portray as female on a regular basis and his depression and jelousy made me ill. so i had to end it. The relationship after this one was a very phycsologically abusive one which i later realised i was having a relationship with whats determined as a narcasist. this ended after his re occurance of and mental torture and games he played. I felt happy i had my own security, a good job and my lovley dog with a lovely family, parents etc which saw me through this terrible times/times. Anyway i always thought i would have a baby but because of the bad experiences i always made sure that i took precaustions to ensure that i wouldnt fall pregnant. Anyway with who i with now, i always made sure that he uses something, and he has always asked me how do i feel about having children and i said it was always what i thought id do but obviously things went wrong with the relationships so i didnt take the risk. He has been keen to want to move in with me for some time as he is sharing a house with a freind, he cant get a mortgage i doubt because of his age and the fact he has to pay the mortgage of his old house until the girls are 18. He can take an early retirement in 3 years and as he works for the NHS he gets a lump sum pay out of 75 K which will put him in a different postion then possibly. Anyway, basically i have fallen pregnant, and i am happy in a way, but also so stressed because he is pressuring me into that he should move in. And this is causing me deep anxiety and making me have second thoughts about the baby. My house is only small, im used to living on my own with my dog and the thought of someone being there all the time terrifies me and horrfys me. He knows how i feel about it and i said maybe you will just start staying over more when the baby is here, and see how i feel about it and do things gradually, his answer was he doesnt feel happy with this as would want to be there all the time and says that it is only right and right for the baby. So now this is making me panic. I know some would say, if he were right for you you would want him there all the time, but i disagree with this as i dont think it would matter who it was, im used and comfortable with my own security and space. Opinions would be great thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2018): If he can get early retirement in 3 years, your life will be hell. He's 14 years older than you and looking for you to resolve the mess he's made of his life!!!
For goodness sake - do you want to be leading the life of a pensioner, but in a small home that you worked so hard for?
Maybe you are right and no man would ever be right - or maybe you've just never had a man offer an equal to you, effectively doubling what you have, rather than 'shrinking' it or expecting you to share what you've worked so hard for.
He's a useless man. Don't let him ruin your life!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2018): I'm a single Mum - my daughter is not a fully fledged adult, living independently and happily with her partner. I TOTALLY get where you are coming from with this and I think you should absolutely not let this man move in with you.My story is similar to yours and I want to share some of that with you, so that you can see that there is at least one other woman out there who understands how you feel.I married very young (19) and I see in retrospect that this was because my family was abusive - there was extreme violence, mental illness, neglect, pretty much everything, but all 'behind closed doors' - outwardly, we seemed to be a respectable, flourishing family. This made the abuse much harder to cope with - it was mind bending. I attempted suicide at 18, flunked my A Levels, didn't go to university as expected. I met my husband to be on what I knew was the very last night out that I would have with my only friend (not even a close friend, just the only friend I had) before she went off to university. I pushed myself to talk to him, knowing I would literally have no chance of going out or of meeting anyone once my friend was gone. Six months later we married. He was unemployed, but I didn't care. He seemed calm, patient and I could discuss the things I loved - poetry, art etc - with him. He was educated to university level. He seemed like everything my family were not.Shortly after we married, I realised I was pregnant. I think everyone in the town assumed I'd married because I was already pregnant but it wasn't true. We had no money, were living in terrible conditions, but i put up with it all because I loved him. What I didn't realise was that, by refusing to find work, he had trapped me into what was to become a cycle of abuse. He would vanish - literally abandon me and my daughter, leaving me absolutely distraught. He would expect me to go without everything - I could never buy new clothes or anything for myself, whilst he drank every night and smoked and insisted on having a daily newspaper delivered for him to read. For a young woman, it was so unbearably difficult - but because I'd suffered abuse in my original family, it seemed normal at the time. He once said he wanted to kill me. He refused to have sex with me at all - other people were saying I should become a model because they thought i was beautiful, but he would't even touch me. Something in me snapped when, one day, I was watching our daughter try to play in a playground and she couldn't move her legs properly because she'd outgrown her trousers (which were already stretchy) and we had no money to buy her any new clothes. I had been trying to work part time, but this was pretty pointless - all that happened was that my wages were deducted from our benefits and then my husband was aggressive because he had to look after my daughter. He was absolutely useless - anything and everything was provided by me, somehow. I did not have a supportive family at all - unlike you, I could not look to them for help.I re-sat A Levels and applied to university. We separated when I was 24, after I'd been at university for a year. He initially wanted me and my daughter to move out, leaving him with the house we'd been renting. I stupidly tried to find somewhere else and couldn't. Then I realised "why am I doing this, he should be the one to move out". So he moved into a studio flat above a shop, right next door to my daughter's school. But he still would not pick her up from school and look after her whilst I was at university. I had to employ a childminder instead. He had become so childishly resentful of me having any form of life beyond him. I remember when I got my first grant to last me for the first term. I mistakenly thought I had to make it last a year. When I found out it was only for a term I went and bought a new pair of shoes; I'd had a pair of doc marten shoes for over 3 years, wore then every day and they were now so worn that they hurt me to walk in, but I had no others. I took my daughter to do things we'd never been able to afford and bought her things she'd never been able to have. Life with my daughter and I was fantastic. We were not rich at all and I had no family support and very few friends - no-one close. But the sense of space and choice was amazing. Long story short, I now live in a major city. I own my home outright and I am now selling it to buy a small home abroad and a small flat as a base in the UK. I work part time. I still have very few friends and my family has been of no support at all. My ex husband has never provided any form of support whatsoever - this has made my life so incredibly hard - I've fought tooth and nail to be in the position I am now in, but I know if he'd helped even a little, my life would be truly amazing by now.In between this I had one other relationship with a man who turned out to be abusive 'behind the scenes'. It never ceases to amaze me how abusers really do seem to other people as the opposite of what they are at home. With my ex husband, people saw him as calm, gentle, patient and even started to blame me for the fact he didn't have a job (!) With my ex boyfriend, he was a charmer - a real people person, but with no depth beyond that, once you got to know him really well and, like my ex husband, was absolutely useless in any practical sense - totally disorganised and 'cut off' from reality. The difference is that my ex actually did well for himself by charming people, whereas my ex husband has literally wasted his life.At 50, I cannot see why I would even want a relationship with another man. It simply doesn't enter my head. I'm told I'm still very attractive and I sense I would be a 'catch' because of this and my perceived 'wealth'. But I don't want to be 'caught', not by anyone. I know that somehow I am wired to be independent and that's what I want. I have the most fantastic relationship with my daughter, and the sense of feminine space between us, wherever we are, is something that I think gets repressed a lot in society, which still has this stupid, outmoded model of the nuclear family.Women deserve, at this point in history, to finally be able to make the choice not to have a man in their life. This man that is pressuring you to move in because you are now pregnant sounds absolutely like my two exes - he has basically mucked up his previous relationship and is now putting you into the 'male' position of provider, to try to compensate for his mistakes. Useless men have a knack of doing this to strong women. They slowly and steadily reverse the roles and they always do it by seeming as if it is not their fault or they don't have any choice. I say if you are going to be put in that position, if you have to be that strong, then be so, but get rid of the 'freeloader' who will simply drain you and bring nothing to the table that will be of any use. You are absolutely right to trust your instincts on this - you recognise the beginnings of a lovely sense of space and choice for yourself and your child and you have a supportive family. I really admire that way you are NOT depending on a man. I absolutely would not let him pressure you into him moving in - you have worked so hard to make this life for yourself, don't let him ruin it.If another man comes along later on, who is equally as strong as you, and is bringing something equal to the table then great. If not, you will be fine. You are a strong woman, don't let this man sap your strength by placing doubt in your mind that it will be better for the child - it will NOT be. If he then has to cope with living independently from his ex wife and children and his partner and child then so be it - he's made his bed, so to speak, so let him lie in it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): Thanks everyone for your responses, this is the terrible thing, i felt really happy about it as i know this will probably be the only time now i will have one because of my age. I have a great up bringing with parents a good family values and i always believed. i would be married with kids alot earlier on. But i think what has happened to me is the terrible relationships as caused me to not want to live with a man. having a baby living with me causes me no concern or fears of me wanting my own space.
And i dont think it is anything to do with maybe hes not right for you then as you would want him to be living with you. I think its the way i have become, i feel saver this way. Not sure what i should do about it really. In terms of support, this has made my mum and dads day they will never be able to do enough because they love children and this would be a new lease of life so i would not struggle as help will always be here. I dont want to end it with him either, i just like it the way it is that we live seperate, him staying over more doesnt bother me too much as long as i know i can have nights on my own, well not withhout the baby, but without him is what i mean. The thought of having to share a bed with a man every night, ooh dear a dreadful thought but okay some times. This might be too much to ask of a man i have no idea, i dont know why i feel this way, i wish i didnt but how can i help how i feel. Its upsetting me that i cant feel different. I mean its not even as tho he has his own house, he is sharing, i worked hard for it. Maybe if she said, well i have some money i can put down lets get one together i might feel different, but then again saying this, if im honest with myself i dont think it would its seems there a lots of small worries for me, that make it one BIG one, but im happy how the relationship is, i enjoy the time i spend with him and want to keep it this way and if i could id be really happy then, you could perhaps say this isnt fair on the father, i can see this, but what can i do if this is my feelings, if i made myself let him move in i think id be seriously stressed! as id be doing something i am not happy with
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): Thanks everyone. In response to Andys thoughts, you are being very presumptious in that i was irresponsible which is how i became pregnant, you do not know what precausions i have been taking, and presuming that there were none.
You seem very judgemental and in fact the problem is not me sharing my house with my baby, the problem is with another male human that i am in a relationship with, as i dont feel ready to have someone move into my house this took me alot of hard work to be able to buy my own house, own security, which is what created my happiness for the previous failiure of relationships from, transgendered, to cheaters to narcassist. I could be thankful that i got through it and saved for my own house all by myself.
You seem very old fashioned and not open minded at all, you cant seem to consider that i am nearly 40, so the chances of me having a baby is alot slimmer now than it would have been and that it happened from one occassion where i had taken precausions and this is probbaly my last chance. At my age now, the thought of a perfect family life in which i always believed things to be has some what changed for me strangley enough, maybe through past experiences, so lets say even if i hadnt met anyone i would be concerned that my chances of having a baby will probably never happen and that makes me feel sad. So should not judge people. I know i would make an excellent mum one hundred percent. Being a parent is not my fear, moving a man into my house is my one and only fear. I have an excellent close family, i would have one hundred percent support
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 November 2018):
 Firstly: "the thought of someone being there all the time terrifies me and horrfys me" - I get it, but you're pregnant, so tough. Your baby will be there 24/7 and it is HARD in a couple, let alone as a single parent, which is what you'll be. That said, it's doable, so don't move him in until you're ready.
Secondly, if you weren't ready to move in together, you shouldn't have risked pregnancy. Commitments, OP - you should both know better.
Thirdly, have you thought about the father he'll be at 55 to a wild toddler or 65 to an energetic pre-teen who people will assume is his grandchild? It's too late to do anything about it now, but you should still think about how it will affect your child and have an idea of how to cope with it.
I just think this was so poorly "planned", even for something that wasn't planned. You're not committed to each other, you're not keen enough on him to move in (fair enough normally, but you're PREGNANT with his child) or be engaged, he'll be pretty old for becoming a dad again, etc.
Your security and space will soon be invaded by a baby. Time to start getting used to your small house and space not being yours any more. I think you need to start having him stay a couple of days consecutively EVERY week to get used to it - waiting until a baby arrives will just make it all more stressful. You're too used to living on your own with everything how you want it, but that will end as soon as you give birth.
Why are you having a baby with someone you weren't ready to move in with? Weren't ready to be married/engaged to? Didn't think of his age with new parenthood? These are all questions you need to think deeply about - not for us, but because it's something you'd expect from a naive young adult, not a near-40 year old woman and a 52 year old divorced man. You need to figure out how to make this work well.
Don't move him in and tell him to stop pressuring you or you won't be a couple any more. That said, having him stay over for 2 consecutive nights every week will help you adapt to not living alone any more. Start prepping for Baby and I think you should get counselling to understand why you're in the situation you're in now, what you're going to do about it and how you're going to create a good co-parenting situation.
I don't want you to panic because I understand how overwhelming this must be, but I do want *you* to genuinely assess the situation you've both got yourselves in: not committed enough to each other enough to move in and/or get engaged/married, but risked pregnancy and involvement for 18+ years.
You're also desperate to keep your small house yours alone, yet you're going to raise a tiny human in it.... alone. If you can't handle a partner you love(?) living there full time, how will you cope with a fully dependent baby invading your space? Parenting is a nightmare most of the time for the majority in the early years, regardless of how great the little moments are or how unconditional your love for them is.
Once you understand the gravity of the situation, which you don't seem to yet, then you can make a plan to adapt. Please discuss this with a therapist, so you can start accepting and planning BEFORE Baby arrives. Now is the time to plan ahead and not leave anything more to chance or "we'll figure it out when the baby is here".
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (12 November 2018):
 You know yourself by now OP, and you are well aware of what makes you feel comfortable and what doesn't. If you are happy as you are then don't let him talk you into moving in with you. If it doesn't feel right then you should listen to your feelings. This is about YOU and what is best for you. Your boyfriend should accept what you feel and support you not try and make you feel badly about things. Its wonderful being pregnant (congrats!) but it can also be very stressful and you need to have a calm quiet environment during these months. Lean on your family and take care of YOU. I can certainly understand your reluctance to have someone in your home after your other relationships. Truth be told, once you move in with someone it is not always that easy to part ways if things go wrong so don't be afraid to state that at this point you are comfortable living in seperate homes. Too bad if he doesn't like it he needs to be looking out for you, not causing you stress.
Good luck with the pregnancy and be well.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 November 2018):
 No! Don't be pressured into anything. It is not necessary for the baby's well being for him to live in the same house, if it was he would still be living in the same house as his other two children.
If you prefer to take this slow then he has to be aware and accept this. YOUR well being and comfort is paramount. You have already dealt with wo very horrible and draining relationships, he needs to recognise where you are coming from before he turns this into horrible relationship number three. It sounds as if you have good family support.
Stay strong and don't let him bully you into doing something you don't want to do.
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